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  • or if you live in Andover, over Andover and over again.  There is a massive traffic jam on the Mass. Pike from Mass Ave. to Holden, Mass., where my good buddy, the Reverend Richard Hertz, is holdin' mass in Holden, Mass., and it is causing a massive traffic jam on the Mass. Pike, which is causing a massive malaise, and everyone is mired in a morass of negativity.

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Rocky Balboa vs Rocky The Squirrel Posted on Jul 04, 2015 at 04:30 AM

Does anyone out here in BBW date land have any clue, any concept whatsoever, as to who would win a heavyweight championship fight between Rocky Balboa and Rocky The Squirrel?  Who do YOU think would win this proposed fight between two of the greatest heroes in the history of entertainment, two champions both named Rocky?


In this corner, weighing in at 230 lbs., we have the champion, from Philadelphia, ROCKY BALBOA!!!!!!!  And in this corner, we have the challenger, from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, weighing in at two pounds, Rocky The Squirrel.


I believe that Rocky The Squirrel would win this fight because at least Rocky The Squirrel is real.

And then there was the time I flew home from Miami. Posted on Jun 11, 2015 at 02:11 PM

When I was in Miami, I saw this old woman squatting and taking a pee behind a building right off the main drag in Miami.  I could not get this image out of my head, so I decided to write a song about it on the flight back to Boston.  The song is called "Pig," and a video was made about the production of this song.


The lyrics go like this:


Pig, pig, pig pig pig.

Pig, pig, pig pig pig.

Doodelly doop.

Pig, pig, pig pig pig.


I thought that doodelly doop part was really cool.


Now previously, I had written another song called "Dog," and the lyrics go something like this:


Dog, dog, dog dog dog.

Dog, dog, dog dog dog.

Doodelly doop.

Dog, dog, dog dog dog.


Now my producer loved both songs so much that he decided to put them both on a 45, on vinyl.  The only problem he had is he could not figure out which song to put on the A side and which song on the B side.

Sweaty Betty Posted on Jun 11, 2015 at 02:03 PM

Big Sweaty Betty had a fan in her apartment.  The fan did not work.  It was ninety three degrees outside.  It was ninety one degrees inside.  The place felt like a sauna.  My hair was soaking wet.  This was not a fun day.  You better believe me Clyde. 


I had to bring my soaked short sleeve shirt to the dry cleaners.  BUMMER!

Hillary's Presidential campaign. Posted on Jun 10, 2015 at 08:47 AM

One, two.

Hillary is through.

Three, four.

Lock the prison cell door.

Five, six.

I'm sick of  her tricks.

Seven, eight.


Nine, ten.

A big fat hen.

Eleven, twelve.

Trey Gowdy will dig and delve.

Thirteen, fourteen.


Fifteen, sixteen.


I already said that?  Oh well.

Seventeen, eighteen.

The sharks smell the blood in the water, the vultures are circling overhead, and the scavengers are preparing to extract the rancid morsels of flesh from the rotting carcass.  That one didn't rhyme?  I'm sorry.  If you don't like it, sue me.

Nineteen, twenty.

Hillary keeps turning up like a bad, tarnished penny.

Twenty-one, twenty-two.

Hillary who?


Did I ever make the statement that Hillary is a worthless puke?  Of course I have.  Hillary is D U N N N done, and her campaign is O V A over.  If I were a liberal Democrat, I would hitch my wagon to Bernie Sanders or Marty O'Malley.

I have a contribution to make to the world. Posted on Jun 10, 2015 at 08:37 AM

Since we live in a fast paced, hectic world in which every millisecond can be an eternity, I have decided to make a contribution to humanity by saving people much needed time.  You see, whenever someone refers to a dead animal, they always use an extra, unneccessary syllable, and we can shorten this process and save time by removing this syllable.  When someone refers to a "dead hippopotamus," they use six syllables, and when they refer to a "dead elephant,"  they use four syllables.  By shortening these phrases to ONE WORD, "dippopotamus" and "delephant" respectively, the communication can be shortened to five and three syllables respectively, thereby saving the speaker approximately three quarters of a second when he is referring to these deceased animals.  The individual listening to this communication will ALSO be saved three quarters of a second, so don't you forget this, you little rascal you.  Remember that Toytoy is always devising new plans on how to save humanity constant headaches, since I am a "glass half full" type of guy.  Don't ever say I never did any favors for you.

Good Ivening Posted on Jun 09, 2015 at 04:53 PM

Now I am a PREMIUM MEMBER, as opposed to a member with gold teeth.  Too much political power has been concentrated in the hands of a tiny number of families, such as John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Braintree Adams, John Subtractams, and did I happen to mention to you that Hillary is a worthless puke?  Of course I have.

Mork is a dork. Posted on Jun 09, 2015 at 04:48 PM

Robin Williams, the man who played Mork on the Mork and Mindy show, killed himself last year.  Sucks being Mork.  Maybe I am really Mork and I don't know it.  Who knows?  Only my gastroenterologist knows for sure.


There have been allegations, accusations, and innuendo levelled at ME, accusing ME of being a dork, but I would like to dispel all such malevolent rumors.

Gene Genome's soup Posted on Jan 09, 2013 at 12:57 PM

Gene Genome's soup is like a chicken noodle soup with corn flakes in it.  There is a guy with a big 'G' on his shirt who advertizes Gene Genome's soup on television.  If you don't watch it, this soup can overboil on top of your stove, and it will make a complete mess of your kitchen.

There are only two tickets left to our show Posted on Sep 10, 2012 at 05:59 PM

So if you want to see us, you better move your rear, dear, before the show is sold out.  A lot of folks have worked very hard to put this show together.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I get the impression that your boredom is a reflection of a lack of intellect, and that is certainly not my thing.  Maybe, then, you should look for some geek with skinny jeans and nerdy glasses.

Is there an upsurge of hope????????????? Posted on Sep 10, 2012 at 05:38 PM

So when are you planning to be with me on my show?  Is there any particular reason why you are giving me such a hard time?  You look like you can be a huge Toytoy fan, and I will be agreeable to giving you every umbrella in my house, because I do not need or use umbrellas.

I also promise that if you meet me, I will not hit you with my left elbow, and overall I will treat you a lot better than if I were a crazed gunman.

I have a question Posted on Aug 29, 2012 at 07:10 AM

Is there anyone out there who might know the difference between a book case, a stair case, and a mental case?  Can anyone possibly differentiate between a book case, a stair case, and a mental case?  Well, if you throw a book case down a stair case, chances are you are a mental case, especially if you stare at people while you are walking backwards.  Doesn't that irk you? Also please tell me, if you can, what they call it when a dog barks and throws up at the same time?  Do they call it a bark barf or a barf arf, or maybe a woof ralph, or how aout a gag wag or a pup chuck?  Recently my neighbors have decided to go on vacation, and they put me in charge of taking care of their pet dog, so I was wondering if you might have or if you might know of a used pooper scooper for sale or for lease.  Now this would have to be an extra large pooper scooper, since we are not talking about a toy poodle here.  Also, I will be willing to travel hundreds of miles in order to rent this used pooper scooper provided I can get it for a reasonable price.  Can you help me with this?  You sure?  I will even be willing to pay a referral fee.

and one additional aberration Posted on Aug 29, 2012 at 07:01 AM

The upcoming Presidential election creates many problems for those involved with removing used popcorn containers from underneath my sofa, inasmuch as the result of this election will certainly not be determined by me or by anyone from Scandinavia.  I suggest you do not vote for either candidate, and furthermore you should write in the name of Hoolar The Giant Crab for President of The United States, otherwise Hoolar may eat you.  I take umbrage at the fact that neither candidate has bothered to address the question of crabs.  Why is it that for countless centuries in the area of Montana we have never heard reports of radioactive giant crabs from Mars eating pigeons?  I think I'm moving to Montana soon, so I can start farming a crop of dental floss.

another experiment to try at home Posted on Aug 29, 2012 at 06:52 AM

o.k. hairs the deal.  You need to do this for me.  Go to the nearest zoo and break into the cage which houses the ostriches.  I need to know whether an ostrich has hair or feathers.  Can you find out for me?  If the ostrich attacks you, there needs to be a plan in place as to how you should fight back.  I suggest you hit the ostrich in the face with a fly swatter.  Then, I need you to write down everything that happens and report back to me.  You will be graded on this project.

Please bear in mind the fact that Oran Boran Borwack was the only person to attempt this project, and he was transformed into a tadpole for life.

nothing to add Posted on Aug 28, 2012 at 04:22 AM

nothing else to say.  I have nothing else to convey.

doggy doggy doggy chipmunk chipmunk chip munk Posted on Aug 28, 2012 at 04:15 AM

and here is an experiment which we can all try at home.  Shall we?  First, you need to go to your local hardware store and buy a sledge hammer.  Next, you need to use this sledge hammer to pound a huge hole in your bedroom wall.  Take a look inside the hole in the wall and you will notice that there is a hollow space which runs the entire length and height of your wall.  This is known as the crawl space because there are creatures crawling in there.  Next, I need you to make a list of everything you see inside this crawl space and report back to me.