Words of wisdom Funny jokes and anecdotes Forward to friends

  • View author's info Author Posted on Mar 29, 2006 at 05:07 PM

    Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

    Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
    but you'll also be getting paid for it.

    Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
    chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

    Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
    by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

    Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
    eating cake again.

    An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
    inexpensive vibrator.

    Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
    running a bit slower.

    Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
    fag from the butt of your last one.

    Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
    or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
    substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
    the difference.

    Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
    doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

    High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

    Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
    before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

    Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
    banging your feet twice on each stair

    At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
    customer please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

    Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
    All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

    Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
    fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
    'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
    liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

    Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
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  • View author's info Posted on May 28, 2006 at 02:11 PM

    Why do people park on the driveway, and drive on the parkway?
  • View author's info Posted on Mar 30, 2006 at 09:12 AM

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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