I can kind of relate to this a little. My best friend is very tall (6'1") and built like a brick chithouse. Men just go ga-ga over her (she's married to a great guy, btw), and sometimes when I'm hanging out with her in a public place, I feel a little worthless or ugly in comparison. Poor self-esteem is something that many women (and men) of size battle with daily, mostly because a good percentage of men can be very shallow (God bless those men who aren't!).
I have guy friends who have displayed some pretty shallow behavior (such as abandoning me for a thinner woman in a club), and when confronted with it begin to understand how hurtful they were being, albeit unintentionally. It made me feel like they were embarassed by me and wanted to get away, making me embarassed to be who I am. I'm still friends with a couple of these men, but they now have become much more aware of their behavior and taken steps to be more considerate. They still wouldn't date me, though (well, one of them is married with kids now, and the wife is a thin blonde thing, of course).
I do find myself being much more reclusive and cautious these days, having been hurt by the kind of behavior I mentioned. Breaking out of that shell is hard to do, but in order to find peace within yourself, you have to take some chances. Hence the reason I signed up on this site.
i agree with some of what MorrigansTear was saying, about the inability to change your own perceptions just because other people tell you other wise. and in Justanice's case, well, i feel kind of embarrased for those im out with. Size is just one issue. I mean, im embarrased out my size for myself. hate it hate it hate it. but, say, we'll use a friend of mine as an example. I care about him a lot, we're friends with a tad more, but in my mind, he can do *so* much better than me. my size and appearance *do* play a role (not the sole cause, but a role) and i feel like im pulling him down when he deserves more. (I say he deserves more as a friend, not as someone cutting themselevs down, but as his friend i look out for him.) and until i lose weight so that *I AM HAPPY/IER* with myself, i would refuse to be too much more than friends with him.
it doesnt make it right, but it makes sort of a perverse sense.
Wow Justanicegrrl, I'm really impressed. Not just by your gentle patience with your girlfriend, but also with your common-sense reaction to the suggestion that you gain weight. Until I read that, I just thought your girlfriend was so insecure she didn't want you being teased for the kind of gal you're attracted to. Now, I'm starting to wonder. Is she just being selfish, or is there something else going on? I hope you either find out what the real issue is & are able to work through it, or find someone who appreciates what a great girlfriend they have in you.
I think I can understand what your ex-g/f feels/felt and why she reacted like that..
I often do the same. When I am alone with a person (friend, partner, family) I'm ok, I'm happy, I don't worry, I'm just me.
But as soon as a third person appears or we go out or we meet somewhere where we can be seen, I feel uncomfortable.. affraid..
My thoughts are (in just a few words): "OMG, what will these people think about me? What will they think about my friend for knowing somebody like me? He/she must feel so embarrast now. Why would somebody like she/he want to be around someone like me?"
Only by turning away from that person you protect the person from being humiliated because of you. And you protect yourself from being hurt by attacks not directed to you but your dearest. Having to hear your best friends take tasteless comments because of the way you look hurts too!
Maybe that does not make sence to most people, but in my mind (for example) it does.
I'm sorry, but I am NOT the powerfull, confident, cheery "I'm fat and love it and I don't give a damn if you like it or not"-Lady a lot of people tell me to be.
And: I don't WANT to be it.
A lot of people are not happy with how they look. Too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, nose too big.. whatever..
Why do I "have to love myself to be able to love somebody else"? (Gee, you don'T even know me but you can analyse my deepest feelings like that? Riiight!)
Why do I have to be "proud of my big bu*t and every pound I call my own"? (If I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm pretty. If it were that easy to change how you feel about yourself, why are there so many therapists etc.?)
All these comments sound like the annoying advices from teenage-magazines... (No offence meant, just my own oppinion).
For the partner of a person that thinks the same way (or similar) that I do will always have a hard time.
It's like always fighting in a never ending war you may never really win and the battles are exhausting and will repeat themselves over and over again..
Of course that is not fair, but I (for example) can't change it.
I try to react differently but often it just doesn't work.
I need somebody to tell me over and over again why they love me and even if they explain it, it will not be explaination enough, because the thoughts do not make sence to me or just partly... (The "why do you love me?"-discussion.. Does anyone have a satisfying answer to that?)
I guess I drifted off a little but maybe Tracey (?) thinks similar?
It's hard to understand and hard to explain.. And it isn't your fault.. It's just.. why would a butterfly want to be together with a frog?
(If you find spelling mistakes, you can keep them!)
Why did you start off with "I'm sorry if I offend anyone"?? You don't need to apologize!!
Unfortunately, it sounds like you may have dated a couple of larger women who are just very insecure about themselves. That's sad...for them. They're missing out on a great woman because of their own issues with their bodies.
I don't know how important comfort is to everyone but it's a priority of mine. I don't like being with someone who is too small(height and weight). I'm a big guy and I'm okay with it. But when I've dated someone alot shorter or smaller than myself it made me feel huge. I like being with someone who makes me feel comfortable. For all the politically correct reason this is wrong it doesn't change how I feel. We all come in different shape, sizes, and colors. We should choose to be with someone who makes us feel good both physically and emotionally. There is no justification for who we're attracted to. We shouldn't hav't to defend when we're not.
Hopefully your friend will realize soon that she loveable for herself not just her shape, size, or looks. Good Luck! On another note. Why would you start off apologizing for who you are and who you love. OR did I take that wrong?
I've heard of thin people being ashamed to be seen with fat people (mostly on here... never in the real world) but I've never heard of a big person not wanting to be seen with a thin person.
It sounds to me like she's just feeling physically insecure and is embarrassed FOR you, instead of of you. If I were you I'd walk up to her, give her a big kiss and a hug and tell her that she is utterly beautiful.
That is really sad. Sounds like she is more embarassed for you to be seen in public with her. I did that to someone once. Dropped his had so his friends wouldn't laugh at him. A decade later it still bothered him. The issue is with her not you. She is insecure with herself.
justanicegrrl write: Ok first of all I'm sorry if i offend anyone. I am a lesbian, a fairly small lesbian I'm 5'3 125lbs & my gf well ex left me because she says shes to big to be with me and she feels embarrassed to be seen out in public with me. this is the second time this happens to me, i dont get it. I dont know what to do
My lil lady friend is about the same size as you 120 ish and maybe 5'4. I think it's cute, and she has no problem with me being over 260 lbs and 6'0. It's rather comical at times if I'm wearing my work boots i dwarf her but she doesnt care and I certainly don't care that she's tiny.
Good luck finding someone who appreciates you for who you are and how you look. You can't really change hieght. Unless she was embarassed by your size weight wize.... meh fsck her. Your better off. Good luck.