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Warning: Whining Ahead: What happens, why do men just disappear?
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Posted on Sun, Oct 02, 2005 11:03

Sorry, but I need to vent. This is the 5th gentleman I've emailed with and seemingly getting to know each other little by little and then boom! It's like they fall off the face of the earth.

I mean every word in my profile and what I send as an introduction if someone emails me. I don't play games, and want to share what happens in each of our lives as we get to know each other, both the good and bad.

I was really starting to feel something for this guy. We were even talking about meeting very soon. Now he's disappeared.

Ok, so my life isn't perfect. There are challenges I face and things I must deal with. But don't we all? Isn't that as much a part of everyday life as the good things that can happen?

I read on some profiles where they are looking for "drama free". Maybe I just don't understand what they mean by "drama" but life is full of ups and downs.

I don't know anyone who lives in a perfect world. Everybody I know worries and/or has issues about money, their family, their friends, and/or their work (for starters). Life is full of bumps in the road. If that's "drama" then I would really like to live in their neighborhood too, cause a bit of peace and quiet would be nice now and then! LOL One of my more recent favorite movies (Something's Gotta Give) has a line in it that says, to paraphrase, dealing with the drama is what makes us strong.

Sorry, I guess I'm just upset. I really liked this guy. His emails were short, but sweet and he didn't seem to be afraid to share the good and the bad. I've tried emailing him to see if it's something we couldn't talk about, but I've gotten no reply. I've tried that in the past as well, with the same results. And since honest and open communication is very important to me, then I really should be grateful I've found out now before I was really in it too deep.

When I, or anyone else for that matter, chooses to ignore an initial email because we've decided that wasn't the route we wanted to go down, then that's one issue. I can understand that. But after so many emails and so much sharing, wouldn't it be the kind thing to do and say, look, I just don't think this is going to work after all? I know something like that isn't a requirement, but it sure would make the loss seem a little easier.

Sorry, I just don't understand what I do or what happens and I feel I can't learn and correct my mistakes if I don't know what they are. I'm not trying to be Ms. Perfect; my motto is take me as I am or leave me be. But I have a feeling I'm not approaching this online thing like I should in order for it to work better.

Thanks for listening. I do hope you all are having a good day today!

  


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Posted on Fri, Jul 04, 2008 05:20

Quoting sdlrglady:

Both men and women just up and disappear.



Very true! It's not just a man thing. I think it's more of a maturity issue than anything else. And seeing as women mature faster than men, it may seem as if men disappear more than women. I'm not making excuses, as I personally think most men today are really nothing more than "adult boys," but that may be some insight as to the reason.

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Posted on Sun, Apr 27, 2008 12:40

Both men and women just up and disappear. I've had the same thing happen to me. I've even met a man, had a date with him and then nothing. I thought the date had went well. The following day he and I chatted and he said he like meeting me and wanted to meet again. I never heard from him again. I sent him a few offline messages, and a couple emails. When I didn't hear from him I guess he didn't think I was worth the second date. It would have been nice if he just said, sorry I don't feel any chemistry. I would have been ok with that.
But I will admit I have done the same thing. Not a lot thank goodness. I try to always write an email or send a message saying I don't think things are working out. I wish him well in his search. But at least I try to acknowledge that there might not be something and tell him goodbye.



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Posted on Sat, Apr 05, 2008 23:29

Well ladies do the same thing. My theory is people do not know what they want and are afraid to come out and say it.

It might be that they are talking to other people too, and cannot bear to make a decision about how to tell someone they found someone more suited to them.

Just my theory.



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Posted on Tue, Jan 10, 2006 20:28

Thank you Parisgirl2005!! Bayleigh, I had this huge post in responce to yours, and I lost it! UG! Anyways, I really liked your post... too tired to write anything AND make sense tonight. Take care, hang in there! MsPetticoat



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Posted on Mon, Jan 09, 2006 14:05

Well...following the thread right the way through over the months it has been running, can I just say in that same time, I have chatted with seven men.. not all from this site. Some have made the transition from pc to reality, but I believe the truth of the matter is (and I say this with all respect), women online are usually ready and willing to give all necessary to attain a decent relationship. Men who register online are, with respect, looking for one of several things. Either a bit on the side, an ego boost or something to do in between football matches. I know that probably sounds harsh.. and maybe I have just been approached by the same standard of man across time on here... but they all seem to be the same. I have got to the point now where I am waiting for the guy to disappear, waiting for him not to call, waiting for him not to turn up to a date. Now isn't that a sad reflection on dating standards. Men it is up to you as the "stronger s*x" to show us women you mean business... If anyone thinks I am being unfair, I would love to hear their experiences.

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Posted on Sat, Jan 07, 2006 22:24

Well I think what it is mostly.. Is that its just nice to have people to vent to.. And who better then people on line.. Who usualy are compleatly imparshal to any situation.. And can some times offer the best advice.. But like every thing there is a time and place for it..And it maybe not the best idea.. To vent to a perspective future partner at least not right away.. Far as the sex thing you had just touched on.. I think it should always be made clear.. The intentions before such things happen.. To avoid hurt feelings afteward.. But you also have to love the people.. That lead you on untill they get what they want.. You all know them the dirt bags of life.. In the end I'de say keep your best foot foward.. When your getting to know some one at first.. And keep your venting to your good friends.. Best of Luck thou :)



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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 15:33

Cathii write:
I read ya post and sorry for that..but why on earth do ppl on the net feel that have to reveal every tiny minascual detail of their lives to a complete stranger, you dont open yaself up that much to family and friends.
Eamiling or chatting to someone and getting to *know them* ( does anyone really know anyone properly)is fine and like anything takes time but on the net it is such a place of desperation that people throw themselves and their hearts to the wind, without making sure a safety net is there to catch you.

BTW good luck for future endevours.


I agree too many people are to eager to tell or unload there life problems on a new person they have just met. That and dont smother the person by calling them more than once a day .Unless they ask you too. And dont start talking about marriage right away get to know each other first.We are all adults here and if you choose to have sex,be prepared just because you sleep with this person doesnt guarantee they will stay. Try not to be to needy also this is for both male and females.



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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 12:52

sweetsforyou write:
Hi Michaela;
At least you hadn't met, after months of e-mailing, only to be left wondering: "Well, I guess it was a 'physical' thing!" Now, that's really a personal rejection! You meet, the conversation is flowing, the laughter is pouring out, you seem so comfortable with each other, then.............you never hear from him again! My mantra is "Do I want a shallow person?" You know my answer! ((And these are not so gorgeous guys.......I am considered attractive, but, am not "A Barbie Doll" which I tell them "before" we meet in case they can't tell by my recent pictures! So, WHAT IS THE STORY YOU GUYS????????????"
Sweetsforyou,
"Mary"


Some people are cowards and dare not face a woman with the truth. Others may not want to hurt your feelings by saying ... sorry not interested.

The disappearing act has got to be one of the worst ways to be dumped. Had a gf disappear for 2 months come back and we ended up splitting up because i was MAD. I didnt know she had gone to texas to cheat on me but i knew something wasn't right. tsk tsk. If your not interested let it be known and END it before attachments grow etc etc.

once again be honest and forward with what you feel. .. duh.



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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2006 10:00

Hi Michaela;
At least you hadn't met, after months of e-mailing, only to be left wondering: "Well, I guess it was a 'physical' thing!" Now, that's really a personal rejection! You meet, the conversation is flowing, the laughter is pouring out, you seem so comfortable with each other, then.............you never hear from him again! My mantra is "Do I want a shallow person?" You know my answer! ((And these are not so gorgeous guys.......I am considered attractive, but, am not "A Barbie Doll" which I tell them "before" we meet in case they can't tell by my recent pictures! So, WHAT IS THE STORY YOU GUYS????????????"
Sweetsforyou,
"Mary"



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Posted on Thu, Jan 05, 2006 15:38

MsPetticoat....You are very wise. I hope everyone pays heeed to your good advice....

  


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Posted on Thu, Jan 05, 2006 15:27

sheesh write:
i think my problem is i was married young ,age 18,to a guy who was 24 and he was abusive and i never told anyone for years, we were married 18 yrs and i was dumb to stay, i know, but i did.

Speaking as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, it wa not "dumb" to stay. I know it's hard to understand why you did, even to yourself, but trust me, abusers have a way of nearly brainwashing you.

If you haven't already, may I suggest contacting Al-anon for yourself and Al-aTeen for your kids? They are support groups for the families of people who struggle with addictions, and they really helped me alot coming to terms with my relationship and the whole healing and growth process. Even if your ex wasn;t addicted to something, they could be a very good resource for you.

Best Wishes



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Posted on Thu, Jan 05, 2006 11:35

Sorry to hear about your marriage and the hardship it was to your life and children. I hope you find what you are looking for, and if you ever get a chance to read a book I highly recommend this to any single girl (and guy). It's called "Getting to I Do". It's about finding the RIGHT relationship for you. Good luck, and God Bless!

  


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Posted on Thu, Jan 05, 2006 00:11

hi again ms petticoat, i appreciate your honesty and trying to help, i had a stepfather since i was 8 and hes a wonderful man. i think my problem is i was married young ,age 18,to a guy who was 24 and he was abusive and i never told anyone for years, we were married 18 yrs and i was dumb to stay, i know, but i did. ive been divorced almost 3 yrs now and the way he left me and the kids was very traumatic,we are still struggling, i know he is the one who was the "bad" male figure ,im just trying to find someone unlike him and i think im trying too hard, perhaps thats my problem, i bring him up in every relationship, but then there are some guys who were just jerks to begin with ,like the last guy i dated from this site, it was a nitemare not a dreem .all i can say is im trying, and its very hard to start over, but ty for trying to help me, everyone

  


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Posted on Wed, Jan 04, 2006 20:35

Greetings!

Thank you Kew, Layla and of course Sheesh!

Sheesh, the definition of "insanity" is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Honey, i respectfully dis-agree with Kew, and believe that you could possibly be making some wrong choices in men perhaps? I dont know your age, or your life history, but after reading your post I would bet 50.00 to someone that you had a lack of a father figure in your life. Not having a father figure really distorts how we girls from broken homes relate to men as adult women. The very first relationship in your life time is your mother and father. Chances are that your wanting to be loved, but keep getting let down is a pattern in your life. You really arent ready for a relationship with any man until you get this figured out. Something I've discovered in my old age.... The nurturing skills our parents lacked in giving to us as children, is something we have to learn to give ourselves as women. In my humble opinion!!

  
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Posted on Sun, Jan 01, 2006 15:03

thank you both so much, mspetticoat and kew, i needed that ,i should be paying you for therapy lol! i wish i had the courage of you both and im glad to know you ,even if only on here, i feel im cared about.xx~oo's to u both and everyone here really! happy new year to all!!

  


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Posted on Fri, Dec 30, 2005 02:32

sheesh write:
kew, im so glad you found someone, unfortunately i seem to be the hopeless case that lingers, i thought i found another guy that cared, he came up to me the other night and said "sorry we both want different things". in other words he led me on again making me think there was something ,i found out he only wanted sex and thought id give it up . thats so aweful to feel this way. i feel i cant attract anything but a quick fling, i wish i knew whats wrong with me or what im doing wrong, help



Sheesh... that's just it... YOU are not the one with the problem... they are! Don't ever let a man's inability to be honest and upfront determine who you are. If they don't get it, then that is their loss. When you find the right one, you won't have to worry about any of this stuff. He will be right by your side in the good and the bad.

My boyfriend and I have been through our own ups and downs these past six months, but we are still together. He has stuck by me even when I have been down, whereas in the past the man just split. I guess that's the difference when you really love someone. Believe me... if it can happen to me (if you only knew what I have been through), then I am sure it can happen for you or anyone else. Hang in there Sheesh.... "he" is out there!

Kew

  


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Posted on Fri, Dec 30, 2005 01:20

Ms Petticoat..that was great! Wise comforting words, thankyou for that

  


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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2005 22:29

That was very well put Ms Petticoat!



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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2005 20:54

Sheesh, don't cry. You have to kiss 100 toads to find that 1 prince. Not every man that walks into your life is meant to stay there. Each one of them is there for a reason or life lesson. We must learn from each relationship and take from it the positive, and then move forward with OUT the baggage. That is why dating when your older is so much harder, because we dont ever lose the baggage, we drag it from one relationship into another through out life. Before you know it, its too large to bear. Taking rejection personally is not the answer. If he was the man that is SUPPOSED to be in your life, then dont you think he'd still be there? You should celebrate each time one leaves you, it makes you that much closer to the one that stays there forEVER. There is a guy that I'm chatting with right now. He lives in Calif. I live in MO, I really like him, but I know he is hesitant because of the distance, and age difference. I know that each time we say good bye might be the last time. I have to stay true to myself, and if he leaves, then I've had some great conversations. I've had some less lonely days, I had someone to dream about before i went to sleep at night, I had many laughs...... I will not hold any grudge, and I will not take it personally. If we live that way with our lovers/partners each and every day, then we can never take anyone for granted, and we have a life time of "blessings" instead of a life time of "broken hearts". SO, here's the secret.... Buy a new blouse, find a new hair do, listen to a new song, try on some new make up, buy some cozy pajama's cuddle up to some hot pepermint tea and be good to your self, be true to yourself! Your Sister in this Game of Love!! God Bless

  


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