A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately l#*$ng the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and su$^&*ng the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and su@**d the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Your mama is so stupid, she can't even put M&M's in order.
Your mama is so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor saw your face and slapped your parents.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refridgerator.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it's mine?
Help i've been arrested and they are charging me with possesion of good looks, I need someone ugly to bail me out, come quickly!
Your mama is so fat, I rolled over twice and I was still on her.
Your mama is so fat, she was walking down the street and struck oil.
Your mama is so big, she plays pool with the planets.
Your mama is so fat, she tripped and fell and every one yelled earthquake.
Your mama is so fat, she had liposuction and still weighed 600 pounds.
Your mama is so fat, she fell in the grand canyon and got stuck.
Your mama is so ugly, when she was walking down the street, the dogs started howling.
Your mama is so fat, she fell off a building and bounced all the way back up.
Your mama is so fat that when she crossed the road, a car hit her and she said, "who threw that!".
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went
to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. What's this? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like." Without hesitating, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while
I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take
only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A
child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His
parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centres,in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch
effort,they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious
look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out
allover the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her
shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and
in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what
made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report ca rd. He quietly
laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise!!!!!!!!,
little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns??" Little
Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
"was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms????
WHHHHAAAATTTT was it????"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school,when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have s*x.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what s*x was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "P E N I S."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her s e x u al favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sonia Levy enrolled in nursing school and was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was ?involuntary muscles?
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks Sonia if she knows what her a**hole does when she has an or g a sm.
"Sure!!" Sonia says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
Moishe was getting really quite old and one of his problems was that he hadn't had any s e x for a long time. So one day, he decided to go to an old-timer's dance. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached Hette, another grandma, and told her, straight out, "I'm having no luck finding someone I can sleep with. How about coming back to my place, I'll give you ?100." Hette surprised him saying, "I'm willing, Moishe, let's go".
They get back to his place and after a bit of f or epl ay; they head for the bedroom. Moishe loves the s e x and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a v ir gi n. After the wonderful performance, Moishe rolls off of her and says, "Wow!!! Hette, if I had known you were a vi rg in, I would have given you ?200".
Surprised, Hette replies, "If I had of known you were actually going to get an ere ct io n, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"
Moishe is going on holiday to Cyprus. He arrives at Heathrow, gets into the scheduled Boeing 747 and takes his seat.
As he looks back down the aisle, he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. Moishe is nervous as he sees her walking down the aisle toward him. But to his delight, she takes the seat right next to him. He is soon anxious to begin a conversation.
Moishe asks her, "Where are you going?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Cyprus."
Moishe is crazy with excitement. Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
"And what will you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to solve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" Moishe continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American man is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, but actually men of Jewish descent make the best lovers".
"Very interesting..." Moishe responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
Moishe extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
Nicola Levy was a depressed young woman. She was so desperate that one day, she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the River Thames.
When Nicola arrives at the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her when he found out she was Jewish, He said to her, "Look, I?m Jewish too. You've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought Nicola aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine ship-wide search, Nicola was discovered and taken to the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked her.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," Nicola explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and in return, I?m making love to him."
"Lady," said the Captain, "You?ve made a big mistake ? this ship never leaves the Thames, this is the Woolwich Ferry!"
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz