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How do men/women feel about dating men/women with a child or children?
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Posted on Sun, Jul 10, 2005 10:28

I'm curious to know how women with a child or children are re-establishing themselves in the dating scene. I'd also like to know how single men approach (or not) women with who have a child or children.

Give me some feedback! Maybe we can all gain some perspective or even change some perspectives.

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Posted on Fri, Oct 14, 2005 15:30

I don't mind at all if someone has kids. I'm not a dad myself but I'm a big kid at heart so think I could adapt to it quite easily. Knowing all the characters from Spongebob Squarepants is a good start lol.



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Posted on Sun, Oct 02, 2005 20:11

One thing about dating with children listen and watch them around him or her. That tells you everything if there the right one or not. I have 3 older kids and they decide whom I date and not
I love watching how they mesh or not with the person I choose to see.



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Posted on Sun, Aug 21, 2005 14:45

I am a foster parent. I haven't had any children in my home yet but will soon. I haven't had any luck in the dating department in over a year as it is, but I see it as helping a child to me is more important than dating...because I'm guessing it will be even harder to find a date now.



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Posted on Sat, Aug 20, 2005 12:46

My children are teenagers, so they know what is going on...but as for the introduction of a man I take it slow. I tell my kids about this person the same way they tell me whom they are dating. it's a two way street. But the introductions can wait for a while.
I am glad this was not going on when they were small but I would have to agree with the concept of being sure of the dating relationship first before introducing the kids to someone new. The younger the children the longer you can wait before they meet.



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Posted on Thu, Aug 18, 2005 17:40


The time frame should be when you and he are comfortable with one another, have decided to have a mutually exclusive relationship. I say this because those things take time. By the time that you get to this point, you have seen the red flags, have had the chance to see how he reacts when you two have had a disagreement or two and you both are no longer putting up your guard and are being yourselves.

If you heed the red flags, then there won't be a reason to introduce him to your children because, hopefully, you would have let him go. If there aren't any red flags, then just breath a sigh or relief and let him tell you when he wants to meet your children.

Good luck to you!! In your soon to be freedom from your ex hubby and in becoming a full time student. YOU GO GIRL!!


I'm learning all about it girl. Trust me I am. At the moment though, I'm smitten with a Samoan God-like man right now and I can't wait for this divorce to be over cause I'm gonna tear that stuff up, Babee! *L* Thanks for your supportive words. I appreciate them more than you could know. You gotta come chat live with us in the chatroom. I think you would rock, girl! Much luv, Aijin!



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Posted on Wed, Aug 17, 2005 14:17


Aijin write:

My original thoughts were along the lines of introducing my kids so that my "date" could get a feel for kids, (especially single guys.) I mean, do single guys (without children) really know what to expect?!



The time frame should be when you and he are comfortable with one another, have decided to have a mutually exclusive relationship. I say this because those things take time. By the time that you get to this point, you have seen the red flags, have had the chance to see how he reacts when you two have had a disagreement or two and you both are no longer putting up your guard and are being yourselves.

If you heed the red flags, then there won't be a reason to introduce him to your children because, hopefully, you would have let him go. If there aren't any red flags, then just breath a sigh or relief and let him tell you when he wants to meet your children.

Good luck to you!! In your soon to be freedom from your ex hubby and in becoming a full time student. YOU GO GIRL!!



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Posted on Wed, Aug 10, 2005 00:16

I think that alot of men are kinda scared to become involved in serious relationships w/women who have kids b/c of the high potential for conflict. The woman's kids might feel "neglected" by their mother and might want to break up her relationship w/her new man. And all it takes, is for a kid to accuse the guy of molesting him/her and the guy could end up getting locked up for nothing.

It may seem like I'm being paranoid, but it COULD happen.



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Posted on Sun, Aug 07, 2005 11:12


Omega_10 write:
Dearest,Aijin,I sympathise with thee.(In my sitch,My kid's mom is kinda a deadbeat which is why I'm seeking full physical custody).(we currently have a joint custody agrrement,but it's not really working out)"We're to have the kids 7 days each,and cook/clean/clean for them,take the to/from school and such."but she's not hold up her end of it.(I have the kids more like 8-10 days a week.the change over day is wednesday.In my most recent of attemps to date a woman that already had kids,I felt that her oldest child din't really like me,but I wa swilling to try anyway.However(her) omni-present Ex was alwys around(increasing so after he becam aware of my presence.)He kept trying to ask her to try agian/reconcile and she didn't seem to know what to do about it.so i chose to back off after she started acting funny.She knew that i already had kids too and at first she seemed cool about it,but after awhile it dawned on me that she only wanted me,not my (baggage).But when i refused to turn away from my kids for her/her kids,she pulled away.(i was willing to accept her situation)"Oh Well Her loss".


I'm not so much worried about dating at the moment, but I thank you for your encouraging words. Right now is mostly a time of healing and self discovery. I've got yet another month before I receive the paperwork authenticating the divorce. (I've been to court seven times during the two years I have been seperated.) But I'm taking the time to heal and rebuild my own self esteem and discover what I want out of life and where I would like to be financially in a few years. I'm going back to school now. The grant proposal was accepted and I now have about $10G's I can go back to school with. So I've quit my full time job and interviewed last week for a part time one. I'm going to go back to school and earn my two year associates likely in Business Admin, Banking or Accounting. Woo hoo! I go back to court on September 21. If anyone has some room in their prayer list. Please put my two children and self on it! I could so use some divine intervention! ^_^ Peace, love and harmony, to the people!

...

  


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Posted on Wed, Aug 03, 2005 17:01

I love kids just as much as the next person but, I am only 19. Kids right now are not a part of my life. If I met a man with a child then I would see how it went. I wouldnt just blow right past you or put it against you.

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Posted on Mon, Aug 01, 2005 19:27

Hey all,
I don't have any kids, but i do have experience of dating women with kids. First Fif & Aijin, you're worrying over nothing, your kids are still young enough that they take their lead from you. If you want to date go ahead, just limit the interaction between your date and your children, Kids don't grab on to a roll model until they are exposed for a period of time and even then they tend to be at least 5 years old. Your daughter isn't clinging to your ex's girlfriend and calling her munmmy is she, because her exposure to her is limited. You both very attractive and young women, you are allowed a life, of course your child will come first, but don't worry too much and play to your maternal instincts, 10,000 years and we haven't done too badly. Any guy worth anything will understand and help to protect your children, I know I would.
Best wishes to you all xxxx
May your gods be with you.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 29, 2005 16:17

I'm a little late to this discussion, but I'd still like to toss in "my two cents".

I have a daughter who is now "grown", but at the time that I met my recently divorced wife, I didn't bring up my daughter until a couple of weeks into the relationship. She didn't have any kids of her own and my daughter was a teenager then (though living with her mother). My ex had to take a "few days" to get used to the idea. A few days where we barely spoke. And since my daughter lived in another state, it was difficult to bring the two of them together.

What I got from that experience is that it's better to get that out of the way in the beginning. Eventually she did get over it, as we eventually got married. But it was also a sore point for a little while... she wondered if I had anything else to hide.

Not something I'd ever go through again.



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Posted on Mon, Jul 18, 2005 12:09

See! I am learning something!

I would be devastated if my children became attached to any one person and for one reason or another that person and I didn't get along and the kids would wonder what ever happened to that person. I mean that would be like having a divorce all over again, only without all the financial upheaval! I couldn't put my kids through that again. Gosh, I couldn't put myself through that again. It's completely devastating! I just shudder at the thought of having to explain that to them...

So, this thread is informational.

My original thoughts were along the lines of introducing my kids so that my "date" could get a feel for kids, (especially single guys.) I mean, do single guys (without children) really know what to expect?!

I'm also liking the topic of setting a time frame or number of dates before introductions are made. Although I'm sure this will mainly depend on quality communication and conventional timing. (Not just the quantity of dates.)

Also, I wouldn't keep the fact that I'm a mother from anyone. If that's something an individual can't handle, that's on them. But if the guy can swing it, more power to the HIM!

...

  


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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2005 16:22

Hi Aijin,
I too am a single mom and my son's dad is also a deadbeat, therefore dating other men is always a bit tricky, because they tend to latch on to that "male role model". Let's face it ladies, we can't involve our children in our personal dating lives for a long time. Unfortunately,
Fortunately, the one positive thing about all the men/animals I have met, is they ALL have agreed that the children should be first priority in their date's life.
I have met quite a few that are dads themselves, so they are more aware of your responsibilties as a parent.

Having children,hasn't been the problem. Unfortunately, I have had too many encounters like that of fifonfif, from San Jose. Maybe its the area we live in.
I think the hardest part of all this dating with kids has been ,the resources needed to take care of the kids, so that we may go out on a date.
All single moms, we should ban together here. There are only so many times we can ask our friends and family ,(thats if they r even present) to watch our kids. WE should create a co-op of all local moms to babysitsit for each other, so that the other person can go out. I know I would benefit from that!(of course after getting to know one another)Does anyone else feel the same?Msybe this wouldnt be so difficult if we backed one another up. Just a thought.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2005 12:13

I have had enough blind dates to fill a book, I seem to be everything a man is not looking for ( short, top heavy, 47, brunette, educated, no ex husband or kids) I am what my friends call "the dateless wonder"..since they say I am a great gal, they wonder why I do not date.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2005 12:10

I have not been married and do not have children. All the men I meet want to date divorced women with children. I have no problem with men who have children, the problem is the ones who have 3 kids and who make so little money and are looking for a woman to help them pay child support. I know to run when they tell me that I am a teacher and I make a lot of money. Or they are my age (mid to late 40s) and are looking to have more kids with wife number 2...waste of their time to date me, and when I point this out they act like they never thought that a woman under 40 a better choice since she might be able to have a child. I am totally not looking and have enough blind date stories to fill a book, which I say I am going to write.



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Posted on Fri, Jul 15, 2005 07:10

Wow, that's a tough one. First off let me say that having been a stepfather for close to 20 yrs, (counting the 5 I've been divorced now) I'd say to not even let them meet your kids until after a couple dates. Tell them about your kids upfront and see how they react. If you hit it off, have a couple of short interactions with the kids. Start or end your dates in a way that he/she meets them but isn't going to spend a lot of time with them. Ask him what he thinks of them/what they think of your date. My stepdaughter and I didn't get along for the longest time. And a lot of times it was them against me. She knew how to play her mom. The funny part is that as soon as her mom and I got divorced we had a heart to heart talk. And now we get along great. She knows what I was trying to do is steer her in the right direction and her mom let her get away with murder. She has two kids of her own now, is off drugs and doing good. I asked her if she would let her kids do the crap her mom let her do. I got a "Heck no!" So I have to say that if you are going to take it to the long term relationship stage make sure you trust the person completely. Handle most of the disapline yourself. Have good communication about what exceptible and what's not. Follow through on what you agree on. Don't let them come between you and your kids. Or your kids come between you and them. If you feel you have to choise one over the other all the time. You are with the wrong person, bail on the relationship, not your kids. Remember that you can't be a parent and a friends with your kids all of the time. Part of being a parent means telling them no once in a while.



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Posted on Thu, Jul 14, 2005 15:25

Even though I am a single parent, and don't have a pleasant relationship with my son's father, I never give my son's father a hard time about his responsibilities. But it seems that in my circle of friends, relatives and acquaintances, I am the odd woman out, as most women that I know love to give their "baby's daddy", "baby mama drama". I have witnessed people that I know well and that I thought of as reasonably sane, harrass girlfriends of their kids' dad, turn the kids against the girlfriend, and just generally show the utmost disrespect for the girlfriend. Because I know how prevalent the "baby mama drama" behavior is, I make it a point NOT to date men with young children. The only way that I will even consider dating a man with young kids is if the mom is out of the picture for one reason or another, ie; abandonment, incarceration, death. I know that it sounds harsh, but I refuse to even take a chance that the woman might be civil and well behaved.

As for myself, I am very civil and friendly to the girlfriend of my son's dad. She seems to be a nice woman, and my son speaks well of her. I am greatful that she is kind to my son. On the rare occasion that I am in her presence or my son's siblings that she has with my son's dad, I am very nice to the kids, too. I don't have any ill feelings towards any of them and it seems that they feel the same way about me.

I also don't want to be in a relationship with a man who has young kids because knowing that children should come first, I know that there is a chance that there might be the occasion when I won't be able to see him because of something that he has to do with or for his kids. And I believe that a man who is a good father should do that for his kids. I also accept that because I refuse to have a date interfere with the time that I spend with my son. It may not have seemed fair to the man, but I was always upfront about the fact that I took my motherly responsibilities very seriously. Most men understood it, but alot of them did not like it. All that I can say is that to me, dating is a choice, not a need. My choice was to have fun and avoid unnecessary stress. No "baby mama drama" here!!

  


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Posted on Thu, Jul 14, 2005 07:46

Fifonoff, I think it is GREAT that you don't introduce your little girl to just anyone. I have a friend who did that when she was about 2 years old and now she is 14 and she is very troubled. It just makes them get attached and then if it doesn't work out they get hurt.

  


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Posted on Wed, Jul 13, 2005 15:24

I appreciate the answers folks.

I guess my dilemma is that I am the single mother of two (very small children) 4 & 1. My divorce will be final in September and I'm having fears about starting to (live) date again. (My ex-hub is 38 and still lives with his mother and is a deadbeat dad.)

I just needed some feed back. If more people are willing to share their thoughts and opinions on this thread then perhaps I'll gain more insight.

Maybe when I do start dating again I'll be strong enough to make the best decision for myself and for my kids and for my significant other.

...

  


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