Hey everyone! I have been trying to fing a nice plus-sized girl in Atlanta for a while, but they are really hard to talk to because alot of them seem to be really nervous and shy. It seems as if alot of big women don't believe that you are seriously interested in them or that you coming on to them is part of a joke or a bet or something. So why are BBW's so shy, and how do you approach one to make her cofortable?
i must be the exception to the rule , i know people make rude comments about us lovley big women but i am not shy , i have never been shy , so if those people want to be mean oh well they do not know what they are missing
As most of the BBW have mentioned already, there have been times that I've been hurt or rejected, so I may have been "shy" because of that in the past. However, now, I'm very confident in WHO I am, regardless of my weight. I happen to be very traditional and I feel the man should make the first move ... therefore, I may not be very good at being approachable or sending the right signals to let a man know I'm interested. If a man has the courage to approach me, and I'm not interested I will ALWAYS do my best to let him down easy in a kind way.
It's because men rarely approach bigger women so alot of bigger women feel that they are not appealing to the general public. If you just approach them as you would anyone and you smile and indicate your interest in them they are more likely to loose that shyness and talk to you. Approaching a woman as if they were attractive and a human being always works well with me lol...But then I'm not really shy.
I'm extremely shy because of my past experiences. I've been verbally and physically hurt because of how I look. They say kids can be cruel, but so can adults. So I've spent my entire life putting up a wall so that if someone says something while I'm walking down the street I can react quickly and not let them see that they hurt my feelings. I save the crying for when I'm alone. If you are really interested in a girl, be patient and don't push too hard. The shock that someone is actually interested may take some time to get over.
I don't know if PillowLover is still following this thread or not ... but if he is ... D@mn you're fine-looking, PillowLover!
Which could be part of the problem ... I've found that sometimes the biggest jerks are good-looking guys .. and fat women are easy targets for adolescent fun.
Your age may be working against you, too ... I know the younger a man is, the more I'm worried that he's just *acting* interested in me as part of some kind of joke/dare/whatever with his buddies (who, more often than not, are also good-looking azzholes.
But don't despair ... it may take a little extra effort to hang in there while a woman who's been hurt decides she *can* trust you ... but I'm sure it'll be worth it.
Well, for me, since I am "newly" BBW in the past year (long story), I am shy sometimes because I think of what I USED to look like and think how can anyone like me for what I look like now? I think of the guys I USED to date and now realize how shallow those "type" of guys were and how shallow I was being too. I understand now, (after some bad experiences) that I am confident in who I am and that if a man I am intrested in doesnt like me for my size now and not a size 10 then I dont want him either. Trust me though, that was hard coming to that realization. Because most of my family (all skinny's) cant seem to accept the way I look now. Jerks. And it doesnt help that my sister is 5'3' and weighs 120. Yeah, she's a hottie and she knows it. That's hard, but OH WELL! I am who I am and I am OK with it now!
SO that is why sometimes I am shy - but now have learned to get over it REAL quick. I just dont deal with anyone else's insecurities about MY weight.
Sinnamon27 write: Regardless, I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I refuse to give up on my quest to find the right person for me. It's unfortunate that the good guys have to work harder to get to know us because of the jerks of the past. But hey, anything worth having is worth putting in that extra effort for, right?
Good for you Sinnamon27 for not giving up. Why let a few "sphincter openings" spoil your quest for love? I have had an experience like the one that you described. Once I realized that I was stood up, I decided that I would have a good time anyway. I thought, "Heck, he is probably in here anyway hoping that I would be embarrassed and crushed." Just the thought of it made my blood boil and I decided to "force" myself to have a good time anyway. Since I was already shot down, I thought that things could not get worse that night. I went to the ladies room and fixed my face as I gave myself a little pep talk. Feeling that the night could only get better, I decided to let my anger and humiliation work for me and suddenly, I felt less shy, less "FAT" and more outgoing. I came out of the ladies room determined to have a good time and I did. I "acted" like an attractive person and "felt" attractive: established eye contact, initiated conversations, flirted a little bit, asked men to dance and shook my behind like there was no tomorrow. Even though I did not meet anyone that I wanted to date, I did end up meeting and chatting with a few of the "regulars" who frequented that particular club and soon became a regular too.
While I did not meet the man of my dreams that night, I learned that I could change the outcome of an insensitive act that was targeted at me. I don't know if the guy was there observing or not, but I do know that I was not going to give him the SATISFACTION of ruining my evening.
Shy, timid, cautious, careful... whatever you want to call it... most of us are just trying to protect ourselves. So many of us womwn have been the b-u-t-t of many jokes more than once. Like the time I went to a restaurant ... it was a buffet type thing. There was a large group of people a few tables from us and as I started towards the buffet I overheard one guy say to his friend... well guys we better hurry and go get ours before lard azz there (points to me)eats it all. Yes, I have been moo'ed at while waiting for a bus. I have had people yell at me... Hey Taxi!, etc etc... and the all too well known mercy date or the dare date.... Not to mention the looks of disgust from the very same people that say that they love you just the way you are. Mistreatment by strangers is bad enough as it is...yet,that doesnt even take into account the things that family may have said or done. They can be the cruelist of them all. So, if big girls seem shy or distrusting... stop and think about all the abuse they may have been through. Dont be so pushy saying things like Baby, sweetie, honey...etc or by constantly telling her how pretty or fine you think she is on the first meeting. Genuinely talk to her and get a REAL conversation started. Dont write her off after the first meeting either. So many think that the first meeting is supposed to be the deciding factor and it is not. Patience is a virtue and good things come to those that wait.... etc :-) Those sayings really do ring true.
Wow, a very good topic, and I think both the men and women have hit the nail on the head!
Smplystriving, don't believe for one second that you're less than in any way! You are very attractive, and don't allow anyone to make you feel otherwise! I know, I know - easier said than done. But I, like you, have had many many "peeks", but only 5 winks.
After having several good conversations with 1 man over the phone a couple weeks ago, we made a date to meet at a local restaurant. I was looking very, VERY cute that night (if I do say so myself), and ended up being stood up. It was one of my most humiliating experiences in recent memory, telling the waitress I was meeting a friend, then sitting alone at the bar for over an hour surrounded by couples having a good time. I bought myself a couple of drinks, ordered a nice dinner to go, and cried in the car on the way home. I HATED that, but I just couldn't seem to help myself.
And the kicker is, he wasn't even MY TYPE! But I figured, hey, this guy showed what I thought was sincere interest in me and had the courage to contact me regardless of what my profile said I was looking for - let's get together and just see what happens. I haven't heard from him since.
A blessing, I'm sure! :) An inconsiderate, insincere man who tramples other peoples feelings and doesn't say what he means and mean what he says is not a man at all, in my opinion. And though I wish no ill will on the other sincere, open-hearted ladies on this and other sites, I do hope that he finds what HE deserves! LOL!
Anyway, the other "winks" have turned out disappointing as well, for various reasons. I think we're all a product of our experiences. In my naive younger years, I used to believe, 'innocent until proven guilty' when it came to relationships. But with experiences like these, it's no wonder we tend to be shy and reserved in the giving and sharing of ourselves until we're sure we can trust someone is honest and sincere. Deep down, I know I'm really quite outgoing, opinionated, and open, but no one likes getting their feelings hurt.
Regardless, I'm not a glutton for punishment, but I refuse to give up on my quest to find the right person for me. It's unfortunate that the good guys have to work harder to get to know us because of the jerks of the past. But hey, anything worth having is worth putting in that extra effort for, right?
I don't know if it's as much shyness as it is caution. My brother warned me about a sicko guy's "fat girl parties" where the guys would go out & pick up fat girls for a party. Then their real girlfriends would show up & kick the fat girls out. Then they'd give prizes for whoever had brought the fattest & ugliest. Another friend was told she had a blind date waiting in the car & when she went out, they'd put a dog in the back seat.
I dont think shyness comes from being "big". I think it comes from any insecurity that people (men and women) have. Look how those who are anorexic cover themselves in layers and tend to be quiet. Or those who have large noses, or even some who are balding, or they are missing a bo0b from cancer, or a stutter, or a lisp, etc, etc. The list is limitless.
I haven't met one person who was shy that was 100% confident in themselves.
When I meet shy people, my goal is to make them feel completly comfortable in themselves, and with me. I encourage people being themselves by letting my "not so perfect self" shine through. You know the saying, misery loves company? Well, it's sadly true. LOL
When we see the not so pretty, or the not so perfect... or the clumsy side of people, we tend to loosen up because then we see that "GEE! They are just as real as I am!"
MrGW - Thank you! I do get lots of hits and have met a lot of nice people, but often even those looking for "big women" think Drew Barrymore in her less-skinny days was a bbw and Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones was huge! Kinda frustrating for a real chubby girl.
The last guy I went out with, whom I met on a bbw site, rejected me quite harshly because I was not thinner. We (big girls)come to these sites to feel safe and accepted, and when we can't even find that amongst "our own" where can we expect to find it? Took the wind out of my sails and has made me sooooo unsure of everything; what do men expect from the women they talk to on bbw sites?
RockChick, I can't believe a doctor who is supposed to be a professional had the balls to say that to his patient. I would have reported him to the hospital administration. At least you didn't accept what he said and you told him off. Way to go
Well, Pillowlover, the best way to approach ANY woman that you want a positive response from is to talk to her in a respectful manner. No comments about how good she fills out her jeans, or how much "junk" she has in her "trunk". And please, please, please, do not use the word "baby" when you are trying to talk to her. Those kind of comments are a real turn off and makes women think that you are only looking for one thing.
Making a woman feel comfortable in your presense will let her see that you are not a bad guy. Looking her in the eye and saying, "hello" with a smile will help her to see you that way. And starting up small talk helps also. I know that all of this sounds corny, but for me, this usually makes me feel comfortable and makes me more likely to give my number or take his. But then again, it all depends on the kind of woman that you want to attract.
Because of experiences like that, I can be pretty distrustful of someone at first. I never quite believe that they find me attractive. It's unfair, but the scared, hurt part of me requires proof that someone is sincere towards me.
Now, take what Dee said and add being cheated on, lied to and bailed out on. Throw all that in the mix and you'll get some idea of why I'm so shy and untrusting when I first meet someone. Piece of advice to all the guys on the forum? Be patient. Take the time find out about her past history...and listen. By the same token, don't pry either. She may say a lot without saying much at all. What's the name of that song? Oh yeah..."When You Say Nothing At All". (Originally sang by Keith Whitley but also sang by Alison Krause) Chances are, if you SHOW her you're going to be there and that you CARE, she'll warm up and you won't be disappointed.
Dee, those people who make rude comments and "mooing" noises are so very IGNORANT. I have experienced this type of discrimination as well and it does hurt deeply. It took me a very long time to feel comfortable with the way I look and now people comment that I seem very confident. Keep your chin up, you are very attractive and I am sure you will find your special guy.