Thought we might lighten the place up with a few gags.
A large male polar bear is walking along with his new son; the little cub is struggling to keep up with his dad. Suddenly the little one stops and turns to his father, ?Dad, why do we have these big white fur skins?"
The father looks down, ?well son, it is so we are camouflaged against the snowy wilderness of the arctic and the fur helps to keep us warm in the freezing conditions."
The little bear looks across the water ?ok that?s cool, but why do we have these big claws?"
The father sits down thinking this is going to be one of those days, ?Well son, we need these great claws to dig through the steel hard pack ice, to find our prey, and to tear through the tough skin of the Walrus and seals, so that we can feast on the rich blubber".
The little one looks up at his knowledgeable father, "ok that?s pretty cool," he pauses for a second, then hesitantly he says ?Dad, so how come we live in San Diego zoo?"
little red riding hood decided to cut through the woods on her way to grandma's house, on the way she met a rabbit and the rabbit said "little red riding hood, turn around the big bad wolf is in these woods and he will pull your pretty red panties off and f**k your pretty white socks off" She said "I'm not afraid of that big bad wolf" and on she went, and as she went she met up with a squirrel, "little red riding hood leave the forrest the big bad wolf is here and will pull your pretty red panties down and f**k your pretty white socks off" I'm not afraid of that big bad wolf she replied and on she went. Eventually she came face to face with the big BAD wolf "Hee hee hee, I'm going to pull your pretty red panties down and f**k your pretty white socks off" he gleefully tells her, she looks dead in his eyes, reaches into her basket, pulls out a pistol, carefully points it and says "OH NO YOU ARE NOT, you're going to EAT me like the book says!
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness....The bad news is, Jim, the
patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe
belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied ,
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
thankyou very much I'll be here all week... try the veal!
Agnes is round at edna's wondering if the rain will hold off while they go shopping.
"Course it will stay dry" says edna.
"How can you be sure though" cries Agnes.
" I can always tell by my freds c*ck, if it lays to the left i get up early and do the washing, because it will be a fine day. If it leans right I get up early and do the dusting because it will rain." explains edna.
"What do you do if its up in the middle then?" enquires Agnes,
"Stay in bed, who wants to do chores on a day like that."
Another true story - allegedly !!!!..........
There is a factory in America which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired
at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly
at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my test1cles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my test1cles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his pen1s in one hand and his test1cles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is
nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?
A woman and a baby were in the doctor?s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," the woman replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both bre*sts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don?t have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of his impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of over sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way
to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"F*ck off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral!!"
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the t*sticles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
Two builders (Dave and Phil) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Phil: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder ...
Dave: - Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a Large
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built It myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s*xually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your s*x life !
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Phil: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Phil: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Phil: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w@nker.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
S*X: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It s*cked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
A husband was thinking what to get his wife for her 40th birthday, when he overheard her talking with one of her girlfriends, the girlfriend asked what she would like for her birthday, the wife replied "I'd love to be 8 once again" the girlfriend laughed and said sorry she couldn't do that, but the husband had a brainwave and it could be fun for the both of them.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of coco-pops and then took her off to a theme park.
They went on every ride in the park. Waltzers, rollercoaster's, dodgems
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake and came back with 2 party hats. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a large cola, and a big box of minstrels.
What a fantastic day it had been.
Finally she got home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, babe, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You f***ing idiot, I meant my dress size!"