How can you be sure, that when you're involved with someone, that this is *IT*? I've been involved in a couple of relationships and thought that they were *IT* but they ended up not being. I can't believe I'm 38 yrs old and asking this question! lol It's kind of embarassing!
bbwlisahar - YOU GO ASK HIM CHICKADEE AND you be Up Front and Confident about it .... you need to know, you dont want to be some "dirty little secret" you need to be out there and he needs to be PROUD of being with you, enuff of the treading on egg shells ;)
Hello , there are so many wise words on here so we can all take or leave what we like away with us . I believe it helps to share & to learn to follow our gut instincts & to watch for red flags . As much as we like to give someone "the benefit of the doubt " it had been proven too many times that if we choose to look we will see & the flags are flying for a reason. Human nature being what it is we can usually follow a text book when it comes to reading the signals & excuses !! The only one time I completely surrendered I had my heart wrenched out. It has not stopped me wishing or even looking but BOY am I a lot wiser now .
Just a note on the side , Joann , you sent me a lovely email but I cannot reply to you as I seem to have your email all wrong . Can you please write to me again with the correct email ?
Maybe he is feeling the same way that you are. Maybe he is afraid of getting egg on his face, too. Take the chance and talk to him about how you feel. Be honest with him. Because you and he are "friends", I would preface the conversation with something like, "I am afraid to ask you this, but I have to know how you feel about me," and then pour your heart out. Also let him know that regardless of his answer, you still have a need to let him know how you feel.
To me, it is worse to sit and pine for someone and never tell them how I feel about them, than it is to tell them how I feel and be rejected. And I have been in both situations. Sure, the rejection hurt for a little while and I had to distance myself from him for a week or two. But because I believed him when he said that he saw me as a "friend", I accepted him as a friend and was able to get over being embarrassed and hurt. We are still friends to this day. (As a matter of fact, I am trying to convince him to join LargeFriends, so that he can find himself a woman).
jjiggl write: To bbwlisahar: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you are ok with just wondering, then by all means sit by and let this man walk out of your life. But if you really want to have a relationship, you need to take the risk. I know what you mean about being disappointed, but I also know that not taking the risk is worse than disappointment. If you really like him and if there aren't any RED FLAGS (things about him that are sure fire signs that he cannot be in a committed relationship; has drug and alcohol problems; anger problems; etc.,) then go for it. Do whatever your gut tells you, hun.
I've not seen any red flags so far. He doesn't drink alcohol at all. Doesn't do drugs either. I've honest to God never seen him mad either. I'm wondering if he has the ability to get mad??!! lol He's very laid back and doesn't let much bother him.
When I was married, after 6 mos, I knew he was cheating on me. Then it was confirmed. I trust this guy completely. If he tells me something that he's doing or where he's going, I don't doubt that he's doing just as he says. Maybe that's it. Maybe I trust him so much that it scares me. I haven't had that trust in a relationship for almost 10 years. Sad but true. You wanna know something else strange about me? Since my first marriage (I've been married 2x, the 2nd one cheated on me) I've not had a relationship last more then 6 mos. This one is going on the 6 mo mark. I'm afraid to be anything but "middle-of-the-road" about it because I don't want to set myself up for heartache if something goes wrong. I don't want to be happy about it then have egg on my face later and look like a fool.
Rockchickbbw write: Hmmm not too sure fully about the situation but from where I am reading it seems like he is just a friend with benefits .... Do you do things together like going to the movies...?? --Yes. We go on regular dates.
do your friends know or have met him ...??
--My friends have not met him yet but he's open to it. We were going to a friend of mine's house this last Saturday but he had an emergency come up and had to leave town at the last minute.
do you do things as a couple...??
--Yes. We've gone out on dates to dinner and a movie.
have your family met him ...??
--Yes. He came to Easter dinner with me and met my entire immediate family
DO you see eachother regualrily ....??
--Depends on what you consider regularly. Here lately it's been about once a week, but he calls me almost everynight, even if it's just to say hi and to ask houw my day went
man dont I sound NOSEY !!! :P but honestly if its NO to most of those then it seems just like a friend with Benefits, if he is in your life more actively then maybe you are boyfriend and girlfriend but he doesnt feel the need to "officially" tell you ... is your communication good ...??
--That's where it gets kind of tricky. I know he's told his brother about me because he was telling me about this conversation that he'd had and my name was mentioned. He was telling him about an organization that I belong to, but he has never once asked me to meet his child (he's got a 9 yr old from his marriage, and yes, he's divorced) but he's made mention in casual conversation about my son and I coming down some Saturday when he has his son. He's also never said anything about me meeting his parents, at all. We've talked about some serious stuff, especially here lately. Do think it would be ok for me to come and ask him exactly where he sees this going or where we stand?
I agree with both of you. Take your life back cause only you can control you and your situations and relationships. You have to determine what it is you want out of a relationship. If it is love you want, then hold out for it and not partake of superficial relationships. As a lot of men see BBWs as desperate individuals who will accept anything they have to dish out.
They are right, if you answered NO to any of those questions he is NOT THE ONE!!! He is blocking your blessing of acutally finding THE ONE. Just my 2 cents.
I totally agree with Rockchick. Stand back and analyze this. If your answer is no to alot of her questions.....remember YOU DESERVE THE BEST!! I know sometimes we get in a rut and would rather believe we have something with someone than to really look at it with open eyes. I have done this recently. I flat out told him that if all he wanted was a friends with benefits...he needed to move on. Let me tell you the empowering feeling that gave me. I chose me and my needs. And no......that isnt selfishness.
Now...as far as the "knowing" thing. The way I believe I will know is when he is my best friend....when he is someone I cant imagine a day without him in my life. He is the one I want to talk to when something goes wrong in my life and I know he will listen with a compassionate ear. And also someone who will celebrate with me when something incredible happens. With that said....I found that once but only to lose it.....was it devastating....absolutely but I live by the motto.....LOVE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW. I did and I truly believe I learned so much from him on how I wanted to love again.
Hmmm not too sure fully about the situation but from where I am reading it seems like he is just a friend with benefits .... Do you do things together like going to the movies...?? do your friends know or have met him ...?? do you do things as a couple...?? have your family met him ...?? DO you see eachother regualrily ....?? man dont I sound NOSEY !!! :P but honestly if its NO to most of those then it seems just like a friend with Benefits, if he is in your life more actively then maybe you are boyfriend and girlfriend but he doesnt feel the need to "officially" tell you ... is your communication good ...?? if it is, I would straight out ask where you stand , THAT way if its just a casual thing, and he states he doesnt want anything more serious .... it gives you space to look elsewhere for something more stable and serious .....
To bbwlisahar: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you are ok with just wondering, then by all means sit by and let this man walk out of your life. But if you really want to have a relationship, you need to take the risk. I know what you mean about being disappointed, but I also know that not taking the risk is worse than disappointment. If you really like him and if there aren't any RED FLAGS (things about him that are sure fire signs that he cannot be in a committed relationship; has drug and alcohol problems; anger problems; etc.,) then go for it. Do whatever your gut tells you, hun.
Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it all very much.
That's the funny thing Rockchick...I'm KINDA in a relationship? Does that make sense? I think he thinks we are but I'm just not sure but I don't want to seem like an idiot and come out and say, "So, are we in a relationship?" lol I'm confident in the fact that I'm sure he's not seeing anyone else, so that's not it. I think maybe it's because this is unlike any other relationship that I've had. Most of my other relationships moved rather quickly and we'd have already moved on by now in my other ones as well. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it's a welcome change. I'm just not use to it. Any thoughts from anyone?
Just an opinion from a man but, everyone should listen to Mary12465 because she is one of the wisest women here. And, believe it or not, we men also have the same problem. It's so hard to know when you've found THE perfect partner. Perhaps it's when you meet someone who is giving, honest, friendly, and caring?
bbwlisahar ....so you arent in a relationship ....?? sorry by reading what you wrote I thought you were, it was just a tad rocky ....
Joanne I LOVE cats too, they are my most fave animal in the world, little and big cats , and they make for great company , I have a lizard at the moment who I love too, he is very cute, he is a pink tongued skink ... and even tho he isnt furry and stuff, he is still good company ... so if my guy walked tomorrow, I still got my SKANKY !!! lol
Thanks for all the input. I've been dating this guy on and off for almost 6 mos and while I care for him deeply and think he's *IT*, I'm just not sure any more. I'm too scared to even think that thought 'cause I just don't want to be disappointed again. We've talked about what each other is looking for and he's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want any more children which is fine with me. He also said that he doesn't want to get married again but could live with someone and spend the rest of his life with them. That I'm ok with that too. My personal opinion on that is I don't need a piece a paper from the state declaring my love. We seem to be on equal levels where life is concerned and what we want out of a partner. We have a great time together and we make each other laugh, etc. We just connect on so many levels. I'm just scared to think he may be *IT* because, well....I guess in a stupid way I don't want to jinx it. It's allot easier on my psyche to think so-so about it. (If it happens it happens but if it doesn't, oh well) I'm trying not to think bad, that nothing will come of it, but I refuse to think good either because I don't want to be disappointed yet again. I REFUSE to go through the devastation of a break up again.
On the other hand, I SO BADLY want to be in a relationship. I feel like I'm in a catch .22 sometimes. I don't want to think bad thoughts because, like the old saying, be a self fulfilling prophesy, but don't want to think good thoughts because I don't want to set myself up for another fall. I'm just jacked up aren't I? lol
Muddilyn write: While it is not what you are looking for , I would be happy to be a pen pal , so if you want just use my name & give me a y**oo with an au on the end for Australia Cheers Muddilyn
Muddilyn I love 2 get snail mail and am always looking for pen pals.
I love all animals. Especially am in love with my cats Moxie and Shadow. They are from the same liter, and look identical, except that Moxie is heavier which is odd considering that Shadow eats more, but Shadow is more active, while Moxie prefers to curl up on my lap. They will be a year old July 17th.. I am looking for a life partner, but I'm not lonely anymore because of them, and can't imagine not having them in my life. I don't even mind changing the litter box, now that's love!
I had to sound negative here, but I also used to think THE ONE THE ONE THE ONE ... but how many THE ONES was i going to go through !! lol , Now I still have a little reservation about any relationship I enter, anything can happen , that doesnt mean you cant love someone with all your heart and soul and HOPE that it may last forever .... but most things sadly dont .... so I always keep that in mind cause you never know whats going to happen .... just my $8.65c worth ... lol