Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one
turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up
the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet
pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my
wife STILL Wakes Up,and Yells at me for staying out so late!
His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously
taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then
into bed, slap her on the as$ and say!, WHO'S H0RNY????!!!" and she acts
like she's sound asleep!
Works Every Time!!!
Two little boys are playing together and start asking each other questiona like little boys do. "What's a peni$?". Doe askes. Steve says he's not sure, but he'll go ask his dad. Dad's taking a shower when Steve asks the question, and pops thinks this is a good time to explain some things to him. Dad pulls back the shower curtain and says, "This is a peni$ son, and a darn good one at that." Steve thanks his dad, and goes back out to play. Doe comes up and asks him if he found out. Steve says yes and drops his pants. "This is a peni$," Steve sayss pointing, "and if it was 2 inches smaller, it would be a darn good one, too!"
One day Bobby and Joey were having a catch by the river. Bobby threw the ball and it went over Joey's head and down by the river. Joey said "I'll go get it." After five minutes Joey did not return so Bobby went after him. Bobby found him hiding behind a large rock by the river. Bobby said, "What are you doing down here?" Joey said "Shhh! Look in the river." Bobby looked to find a young woman skinny-dipping in the river. They sat there watching for about 15 seconds and Bobby ran away. Joey went after him and, after he caught him, said "What the hell are you doing! We were just watching a NAKED woman swimming! Why did you run away?" And Bobby said "Well, my mom said that if I look at a naked woman I will turn to stone and I felt something get hard!".
Two guys were fishing - one noticed his friend was wearing a long dangling earring.
He asked his friend, "Since when did you start wearing earrings?"
The friend replied, "Since the old lady found it in my truck!"
A guys driving home after a night at the local bar. A cop follows him for a while and then pulls him over. "Have you been drinking tonight buddy?" the cop asks. "A little bit. ociffer" come the reply. "You know your wife fell out of the car a few blocks back."
"Oh good, I thought I went deaf."
A guy walks in to a bar and sits down. It's pretty slow and he calls the bartender down. "If you give me a shot, I'll get up on the stage and f@rt Dixie", the old guy says. "No way!" yells the bartender. A little bit later the old guy calls him down and makes the same offer. "No", says the bartender. About a half hour later the old guy makes the same offer. The bartender looks around and it's pretty dead so he says ok. He pours the guy a shot and watches him drink it. Then the old guy gets up on the stage, drops his pants, and starts crapping all over. The bartenders is mad and shouts, "What do you think you're doing?" The old guy says, "Even Frank Sinatra clears his throat before he sings."
Thank you, good night. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!!!!
Ol' Scotty overindulges at the pub and staggers off through the heather for home. He decides to stop for a nap. Through the heather skips 2 lassies on their way to school. They spy Scotty laying there with his kilt akimbo and the secret is out as to what a scotsman wears under his kilt. One lass takes a ribbon from her hair and ties it around Scotty's most private member and off they go. Scotty awakens and looks down,sees the ribbon, and exclaims "Ey Laddy! Don't know where you been or what ya done..but I'm proud you won the blue ribbon"!!!
Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, and says
to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked, except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bob yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Helen replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you
are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that
Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny,
it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more
question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
eeep, didn't know I'd gone over the limit! sorry about that, here's the ending:
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered
man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman
Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist left
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that
Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of ishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had
chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. &...
Ok, not a joke, but a funny story from school today. I am sitting in the Graduate Asst. Office and a TA walks in with a student As they walk by me the TA asks the student if she needs LSD for her mid-term. I couldn't help but chuckle. My colleague realizing what she had done quickly changed LSD to LDS. The person beside me said, "I think I could use some LSD for my finals".
A joke my grade school teaching friend said one of his hispanic kids told him--
What do you call a little mexican child?
A paragraph, he's too small to be an esay.
My STUPID, BAD, DUMB joke I've posted on here elsewhere comes to mind since there's nothing there to get in it's way--
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
They stink and their ugly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE, STUPID JOKE. I DO NOT APPROVE OF IT. BUT EVERY TIME I TELL IT, SOMEBODY WILL LAUGH.
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.