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Insecurities in men and women
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Posted on Fri, Apr 08, 2005 21:59

Hi guys.... I should say more women than men but that's been my experience. Why is it that even though you have talked to other people EVEN though you haven't seen or dated each other, those people tend to get insecure? Lets say for instance that "Bob" contacts "Mary" and they've been talking for sometime. They have not reached a level of verbal intimacy and they haven't met yet in person, but "Bob" decides he can talk to other members with no harm. "Mary" finds out that "Bob" has been going online and decides she doesn't want to talk to him because he's talking to other people. My question is who's right and who's wrong. Is it wrong of her to be insecure about "Bob" or is it wrong of him to talk to other members even though they haven't met? What if the positions were reversed? Would the status quo be the same? I would love to read the answers to this one 'cause it's a doozy.



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Posted on Wed, Apr 13, 2005 08:02

i agree with a little bit of what everyone has to say. chatting is just chatting until you start get those fellings of.... well maybe this is someone that i would like to get to know alot better. when this time comes both parties NEED to understand where the ohter one is coming from. this is where the good communication comes into play. be completely unfront and honest about what you want and what you are looking for and expect. if that isnt what the other person is looking for , then you need to make a decision at that time. what is the best course of action for YOU at this point?

  


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Posted on Tue, Apr 12, 2005 12:26

It sounds like a mere communication problem, like everyone has stated. "Mary" may have also began to have feelings for "Bob" but did not communicate those feelings effectively to him. So when he began talking to others, her feelings got hurt.

Curvy, I totally agree with you. Online friendships/penpals can work out great, but when you're dealing with matters of the heart, it's not that simple. I believe that you can begin to have feelings for a person without the human contact, but I can't see those feelings being validated until the two people have met in person and see how well they mesh together.

  


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Posted on Mon, Apr 11, 2005 12:28

Interesting question - as always Marvel. From my perspective - chatting is just chatting and we're free to chat with whomever we please. It sounds like Bob and Mary needed to communicate a little bit more clearly as to what their expectations were going in to the whole 'internet dating' thing.

Having said that - I have a friend, let's call her "Jen", who actively emails and talks to a boy she met online. It's been over a year now, they have never met in person but she believes that she is in love with this guy. Interestingly, he will disappear for days / weeks on end and she still has a picture of him on her nightstand! Crazy! Of course, she has been less than honest with him about several things and I'm sure he has been less than true about things in his life as well. My point is this: I do not believe in "internet relationships" alone (I will probably upset a few of you off with that one)...But I just don't see how 2 people can have a genuine, romantic relationship online only. Friendships, yes. Romantic conenctions, sure. Courtship, of course. But until 2 people meet in person, the whole thing feels a little bizarre to me.

Perhaps if I ever experience something similar I will feel different. But I'm also looking for MORE...someone to actively date - you know, dinners, movies, garden walks and museums. Not someone JUST to chat with. Yes, I hope to meet friends here and hope to connect someday with a certain comic-book lovin guy, but until then, it's all chatter!



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Posted on Mon, Apr 11, 2005 06:29

Is communication really this hard.....
BoB and Mary sound like alot of work, when Bob is not being malicious, he's being Bob, chatting away to others....
If Mary wanted to send him a clear message, she should have....easy. It makes me crazy when people just stop talking, for no reason you can actually see. Then like a child you have to pry it out of them....
We are all grown here, now stop it Mary, and leave him for the rest of us!
We don't work well without the manual, so need to ear tag things every now and again for other's.
The pouting and tantrum's have to go, nothing more off putting, poor Bob has probably run a mile now, they are "just chatting" some people have a real hard time defining what it is....
We need some boundary setting seminars in here



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Posted on Sun, Apr 10, 2005 11:48

PERSONALLY HUN I DONT THINK EITHER IS WRONG. MARY FEELS SHE DONT WANT BOB TALKING TO OTHERS. WELL FOR ONE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THAT TO BEGIN WITH. AND BOB DOES HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK TO OTHERS BUT SHOULD HAVE COMMUNICATED THAT TO HER ALSO. BIG THING WITH THAT ONE IS COMMUNICATION THERE WASNT MUCH OF ANY AND BOTH OF YOU WERE RIGHT IN YOUR OWN WAY. JEALOUSY IS A NASTY LITTLE CREATURE AND CAN CREATE PROBLEMS. BUT BEING ADULTS WE ALL SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK THINGS OUT WHETHER THEY HURT OR NOT. OTHERWISE THEY GROW AND CREATE A GIANT MONSTER OF RESENTMENT AND HURT. SO IF IT CAN BE WORKED OUT COOL BUT IF NOT TAKE IT AS A LESSON LEARNED AND MOVE ON.

  


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Posted on Sat, Apr 09, 2005 13:05

Well said Mary; here's my 2cents worth. I think they're BOTH being really immature. She's being too immature and petty and he's being kinda dumb for putting-up with it. She's probably not even ready for any serious relationship. As for the guy, the fact that he even needed to ask such a question says a lot about his maturity.



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Posted on Sat, Apr 09, 2005 07:41

Anstsy,

I agree with what you said, but I'd also like to add that a lot of men and women both 'say' they are only talking to you and interested in you and all of a sudden you discover that that is not true.

I make it very clear to anyone who appears interested in me or emails me that I do and will continue to chat with other people. I think it's totally unrealistic for anyone to feel 'insecure' or 'jealous' if one party converses with another, be it online, offline, by the telephone, or in person.

We all have to communicate with other people in day to day life, but if someone states they are only speaking to you, on a personal level, via emails than I'd hope that person was being honest about it. I've discovered that while some people say that, it's often times UNtrue and can leave a person wondering why they'd say that in the first place.

So much of this behaviour seems really petty and juvenile, if not pathetic on some levels. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt and hoped they will act like an adult, but that isn't the case when it comes to ego's and personalities that are fragile.



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Posted on Sat, Apr 09, 2005 06:24

Maybe it's not about being insecure, as much as it is about feeling, once, again, "I'm obviously not enough, OR, good enough for this person, so, now, he has to move on to someone else that he thinks is".

I have found that some look at email relationships, the same as they do an actual relationship, that it should be exclusive, between only the two of them, and, going outside of that, is somehow, cheating, and, they feel a little let down, perhaps, but, then, that's just my opinion.

  


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Posted on Sat, Apr 09, 2005 04:08

Antsy, was right I'll just add to that.

It's about miscommuncation, unrealistic expectation and the dreaded "mind reading" syndrome.

1. Miscommunication has occured because you two have not come to a mutual understanding, even though you think you have.

2. It is an unrealistic expectation that someone has set about what exactly is going on between the two of you.

3. Mind reading syndrome, one or both of you are under the assumption that the other person knows extactly what your thinking, or should already know it.

Examples.

Bob may have decided it was ok to talk to others, which was based on his interpertation of "verbal intamacy" but he assumed Mary was thinking the same thing. He was applying his own standard to her with assuming that was what she thought (mindreading).

Mary never checked to see if Bob and her where on the same page as far as where the progression of the this relationship was, she just assumed it.


Both Bob and Mary need to communicate better, clarify things and be on the same page.

Both Bob and Mary need to build a bridge AND GET OVER IT if they want to continue going in the directtion they were.

And damn I did it again, couldn't resist sticking my 2 cents in, Blah, blah, blah here I go boring people to death again, well in anycase thats what I think.

  


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