This isn't a bashing, I just need to get it said...
I loved this man for thirty years, and was his close friend for all that time. After he became single eight years ago, he asked me to marry him.
A few days before we were to move in together, he cut off all communication. I was devastated. It took me weeks just to lift my head up again, but somehow I managed to bandage my poor heart. I moved to a new town where I didn't know anyone. I resolved to stay alone forever, before I hurt that badly again.
A year later, he looked me up. We started talking again, every day, for a year and some months-he wanted to come see me, and I let him. We had a great day together, that he suddenly cut short- and a few days after he had come to visit me, he cut off all communication again. I turned into a walking shell of a person, threw myself into working like a slave for local organizations, just so I would come home exhausted and not think about how I had let him shatter me once again.
Over the next few years, he survived tragedy in his family, a bout with lung cancer, and two years later, we began talking again. He convinced me that he had worked through his issues, and that he wanted nothing more than for me to be secure and for us to stay together. Being cautious, I talked with him for a YEAR (this is eight years in all, now) before agreeing to come visit him last week.
We laughed, we loved, we made plans to marry. He said not once, but a half-dozen times that we would always be able to talk through anything. I left his house feeling truly, deliriously happy.
When I reached my home, an email was waiting saying that he thought it was better if we never communicated again.
I'm done. I love him, I'll always love him, BUT HE WILL NEVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. I wish him no harm. But I'm done. Do I still love him? Yes. But I finally love myself more than I love this broken, pathetic, crazy man.
Yes, I'm sobbing, crying, my heart is breaking, broken-but I'll survive. I'll trust again. I'll love again. When, I don't know. But I will.
So, for anyone else out there whose had their heart broken-you can't choose who your heart loves. But you CAN survive it loving someone who doesn't love you back, the way you need and deserve to be loved. And can you ever find someone whose heart is equal to your own?
Hoodoo is such a satisfying way of dealing with this.
Burned a white candle for purity and healing, dressed with St. Dymphna oil (for his depression and mental illness), Fiery Wall of Protection oil (for protecting my heart), and rue (to banish my attachment to him), praying to Jesus and the Holy Spirit to unbind my heart from his, to heal each of us, but (in keeping with God's will for each of us) to NEVER allow him to attach himself to me or for me to attach myself to him again-when it had burned down to 1 inch, the melted wax was in the form of a viper's head with fangs extended, dripping venom, a clear message that this relationship was poisonous and harmful to me. It came to me very clearly, as the last inch of candle burned, to say each time a thought of him came to mind, "NO HARM, BUT NEVER AGAIN." I've cried once or twice since, but without the terrible crushing pain, and now I just say those words every time I catch myself thinking, "well, maybe..." God is great, and is truly helping me through this...wish I had done this long ago...!
wow I feel for you..and your right you cant choose who your heart loves...I have a friend who its on again off again and he moved and moved back and moved away again...he keeps coming back and walking away and each time he does he does just a little more to make me think he will stay this time and I let him and I feel horrible when he does it to me...well that last time he came back I said it was on my terms not his and when he walked away again ...this time I think he was more hurt than I am..cause it was on my terms...and its so much easier to let go this time and not be so upset...its his loss and well the grass is not greener elsewhere lmao....just be true to yourself and protect yourself that way its on your terms not his and you get to walk away happy not upset and sad....