DOCTORS AND NURSES..... Funny jokes and anecdotes Forward to friends

  • View author's info Author Posted on Apr 12, 2006 at 02:24 PM


    The skin was moist and dry.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

    The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

    Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

    Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

    Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

    While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

    The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

    Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

    We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

    By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

    The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

    Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

    She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    The patient had a rash over his truck.
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  • View author's info Posted on May 26, 2006 at 09:43 AM

    thanks! I enjoyed your post.It's really funny
    Let me tell you one:
    Two old sisters live in a very small town in Central America,far from the big cites, in this wonderful isolated tiny place ,where they only have one church,and time stands still since the 1800's.
    One morning, after the Sunday Mass the piest decides to pay a visit to the old sisters,worried about their advanced age and frailing health.
    As soon as he enters the beautiful historic home-he goes to the parlor where he waits for them to join him.
    He realizes on top of the magnificent antique organ, lies a condom-
    extended,like a most exquisite ornament -for all to see.
    Puzzled he asks the old sisters why have they decided to give the condom such a place of honor.
    The oldest one says:
    oh Father, the most wonderful thing happened to us,we found this at the steps of the church entrance!"
    We weren't sure what it was -so we decided to follow the instructions:
    open and extend over the organ."
    So that's what we did!
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 13, 2006 at 08:29 AM

    How to explain it to a girl!!! :-)

    Nothing to do with doctors and nurses but this is the offside rule....hope you enjoy and understand

    You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

    The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

    Both of you have forgotten your purses.

    It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

    The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

    Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

    She prepares to throw her purse to you.

    If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

    At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

    Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
  • View author's info Posted on Apr 12, 2006 at 02:26 PM

    The Ranks of a Hospital

    Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
    Is more productive than a train
    Is faster than a speeding bullet
    Walks on water
    Talks with God

    Leaps short buildings in a single bound
    Is more powerful than a switch engine
    Is faster than a speeding BB
    Walks on water if the sea is calm
    Talks with God if special request is approved

    General Practitioner:
    Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
    Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
    Can fire a speeding bullet
    Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
    Is occasionally addressed by God

    Barely clears a picket fence
    Loses tug-of-war with a train
    Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
    Swims well
    Talks with animals

    Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
    Is run over by a train
    Is not issued ammunition
    Dog paddles
    Talks to walls

    Medical Student:
    Runs into buildings
    Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
    Wets himself with a water pistol
    Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
    Mumbles to himself

    Lifts buildings and walks under them
    Kicks trains off the track
    Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
    Freezes water with a single glance
    The Nurse IS God!!!!
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