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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 05, 2010 16:07

It has been so long since I have been in a long term "real" relationship that I think I have forgotten what thats all about. For the last 6 years I have dated heaps, met more than I can remember, had a couple of long distance "relationships" but nothing long term, or what I would consider real life (where you are together on a regular basis and do the nornal get to know each other couples thing). In this time I have changed in many ways, how I view myself, what I expect and what I need from within the relationship that it all feels so new. I cant fall on old behviour patterns and really dont want to anyway, though I am now not sure how to procceed. Now I have been lucky and had numerous offers to create something more from men that I considered to be great but each time there was something that just did not seem right enough for me to accept. Each time I just cant see how it would work long term, how the relationship would develop and evolve and just put it down to being the wrong person for me. Now Im wondering if the "issues" were more a problem with me? I used to be what I would now call "needy" but am not anymore. I used to give all, but now see the need to give and take. I feel like I have never had a real relationship before and am lost with how to balance the new me with the old me. I dont think that I am afraid to get into a relationship, and certainly give it enough time to see if I want it to go that way, but none do. Maybe I am being too fussy and expect too much now, I dont know, but I find Im leaning more towards not wanting a relationship at all.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Jun 21, 2010 07:32

Quoting ledhid

hey I really feel where you are coming from. I want so bad to have a normal and healthy relationship again. But I feel like most men online has become users. They are using online dating for one night stands. I think I finally found a guy that wants a relationship, then a week or two, a slap in the face. Surely there are some men who do want to committ to a women for her. But how I would love to find that someone that wants a good women, that cares. Maybe one day that prince will finally appear, I just hope it's before I give up on him. Keep Hope Alive


Hi Ledhid, yes there are some men out there that are just out to get what they can get, and there are women like this as well, but I do think, and know that there a lots of genuine people that want to find that someone special. I am not sure that anyone can be a user unless they find someone that is willing to be the usee( not sure if this is a real word lol). I think that all the women out there that feel this way should change the tables and decide to benefit from the men they talk and meet, and use this as a way to learn. I did this and have to say that I have learned a lot about men, but learned a lot more about myself in the process. Sometimes our expectations are the things that get in the way, have none apart from getting to know someone and you wont be disappointed with any of the encounters you make. Do believe that all men are princes and we all are princess, sometimes it takes time to find the one that is meant for you. Good luck and hope that you find your prince real soon. :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Jun 21, 2010 07:14

Quoting aldunc

I'll try this again, but I don't remember everything I said, so sorry!

I do believe you begin to adjust to being lonely to the point you almost become too comfortable with it. I myself have never had a relationship before (therefore this advise may not be completely helpful). I have now found that with getting attention from men (which I have not before) I don't even know how to respond. I fear that I become overly critical as a way for me to stay with the status quo, even though I'm not happy with it. It's almost a catch 22.

I do have a tendency to try to relate my life to songs to find comfort. One imparticular that I like is "Once You've Learned to be Lonely" by Reba McEntire. Check it out, it might help.



Thanks so much for posting this again :) This is a beautiful yet very sad song and thank you for sharing this. Do think this is very interesting and you have given something to think about. I dont think I am what I would call lonely (I dont feel lonely) but could be maybe emotionally withdrawn in some way .... yet to work it out. :) I know that the attention you can get can be overwhelming and im many ways the issues that you may have will come to the front to smack you around a bit. Perhaps you are scared of making that next step not knowing what and how you are meant to respond? Why not just get to know them and go on some dates till you define what you really want or are swept off your feet. One of the biggest things that online dating has given me is the chance to meet many wonderful men, and define what about them I liked and wanted in my life. Now its about finding one that has all those qualities in the one package .... wish I could just do a mail order. lol


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Jun 21, 2010 06:59

Quoting Qadesh

Hello Oz and all, I will preface this by saying that I am unbalanced, probably in other areas besides "relationship" wise! However, knowing is half of the problem, right? lol I have been single for 11 years now, haven't even had a rebound relationship. I have wondered and pondered the very same questions, more so lately. I have discussed this topic with friends (women) and although some who are so damned optimistic just tell me "it's not time for you yet", while the others just listen. I don't think that I can share my space any longer with a man let alone my bedroom. Which has become my refuge from the world, and my son and all of his friends!! There are things that I like about not having to answer to anyone, even think about anyone else's feelings, input, opinions, etc. After writing this I know it sounds selfish and one sided.... Am I bound to make the same mistakes if there should ever be a man who wants me for all that I am, and am not? Who knows? I have equated this change, this altered way of thinking as "becoming a man". Meaning that I now understand how some men think about relationships, dating, spending time with a woman. I have found myself having that internal dialog, that double think inside my head, wondering when is this going to end, why did I say yes. In part due to the fact, that I do not want to cause pain to anyone, as that is not my intent. Suffice to say that I have not found (nor they me) anyone that suits me, and all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. Is it just me that finds it to be ironic that the next word in the dictionary after idiosyncrasy is "idiot"??? I do know that there is a part of me that looks forward to having a caring, fulfilling partnership with a man. Yet I can not let it be my entire focus in this lifetime. I try to remain open...it is not easy when I am still fighting the demons of my past. How the rational/irrational mind works.... Well enough of the rambling, we all have our stories and life goes on, with or without us. Be well all. Qadesh


Hi Quadesh and thanks for reposting this here. Have been ill so have not had a chance to get on much not to mention to be able to think clear enough to be able to respond here like I want to. Have to say I apreciate you been so honest and open with your answer and I am sure that many will be able to relate to it, I certainly have, and yes, knowing is half the problem though I dare say that many of us could also fall into our own definition of "unbalanced" so you dont have to feel alone there either. lol Reading your post had me wondering whether as we age do we change our focus or perhaps have a clearer understanding of ourselves and our needs that we are not as willing to just give this up or our time to others as freely as we once might have? Or is this a hardening that occurs from previous hurts piled up upon each other? This is something that I need to work out as one is what I consider healthy while the other quite destructive. I am not so concerned if I do not find a relationship if the men I have met are not right for me, but do not want to be controlled by the pains of the past. Guess its about being able to know the difference? Hope we can both work it out ... hugs Oz


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ledhid
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Posted on Thu, Jun 17, 2010 23:23

hey I really feel where you are coming from. I want so bad to have a normal and healthy relationship again. But I feel like most men online has become users. They are using online dating for one night stands. I think I finally found a guy that wants a relationship, then a week or two, a slap in the face. Surely there are some men who do want to committ to a women for her. But how I would love to find that someone that wants a good women, that cares. Maybe one day that prince will finally appear, I just hope it's before I give up on him. Keep Hope Alive


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Posted on Mon, Jun 07, 2010 23:24

I'll try this again, but I don't remember everything I said, so sorry!

I do believe you begin to adjust to being lonely to the point you almost become too comfortable with it. I myself have never had a relationship before (therefore this advise may not be completely helpful). I have now found that with getting attention from men (which I have not before) I don't even know how to respond. I fear that I become overly critical as a way for me to stay with the status quo, even though I'm not happy with it. It's almost a catch 22.

I do have a tendency to try to relate my life to songs to find comfort. One imparticular that I like is "Once You've Learned to be Lonely" by Reba McEntire. Check it out, it might help.



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Qadesh
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Posted on Sun, Jun 06, 2010 09:00

Hello Oz and all, I will preface this by saying that I am unbalanced, probably in other areas besides "relationship" wise! However, knowing is half of the problem, right? lol I have been single for 11 years now, haven't even had a rebound relationship. I have wondered and pondered the very same questions, more so lately. I have discussed this topic with friends (women) and although some who are so damned optimistic just tell me "it's not time for you yet", while the others just listen. I don't think that I can share my space any longer with a man let alone my bedroom. Which has become my refuge from the world, and my son and all of his friends!! There are things that I like about not having to answer to anyone, even think about anyone else's feelings, input, opinions, etc. After writing this I know it sounds selfish and one sided.... Am I bound to make the same mistakes if there should ever be a man who wants me for all that I am, and am not? Who knows? I have equated this change, this altered way of thinking as "becoming a man". Meaning that I now understand how some men think about relationships, dating, spending time with a woman. I have found myself having that internal dialog, that double think inside my head, wondering when is this going to end, why did I say yes. In part due to the fact, that I do not want to cause pain to anyone, as that is not my intent. Suffice to say that I have not found (nor they me) anyone that suits me, and all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. Is it just me that finds it to be ironic that the next word in the dictionary after idiosyncrasy is "idiot"??? I do know that there is a part of me that looks forward to having a caring, fulfilling partnership with a man. Yet I can not let it be my entire focus in this lifetime. I try to remain open...it is not easy when I am still fighting the demons of my past. How the rational/irrational mind works.... Well enough of the rambling, we all have our stories and life goes on, with or without us. Be well all. Qadesh


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