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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, May 22, 2010 18:33

Hi there all in blog land, its been a while since I have posted but have been here and reading. I was having a discussion with my girlfriend the other day and she made comment that now she is no longer seeing her man that she has time to concentrate on doing things she likes and needs to handle. Made it sound like she had disappeared while dating this man. Now this friend is really independant and she considers herself a woman that holds her own and takes charge of her life. Though it seems that when in a relationship she loses a lot of this part of herself. Do we do this to ourselves, give up whats important to allow another person into our lives? Do you do this? I have been guilty of this in the past but dont think I am there any more. (I hoep I'm not) Is this a personality flaw? I mean if you give yourself over to their needs and deny your own would you not get resentful over time? Do they then lose interest as the person they were attracted to is no longer there? What does is show about a person that does this? p.s - Damn where is the spell check gone? :P


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Jun 22, 2010 00:18

Quoting butterbll

I personally feel that mutial interests are a component of a good relationship as well as interests that not are to your partners likeing. I feel all too often we are in our best behavior mode when in the starting stages of a relationship. However only to revert to out true selves as the relationship matures and progresses.I feel because of fear of rejectionthat we self censure our true feelings to just be agreeable and not cause a secene that may decimate the relationship. I feel all the little things that we suppress for the progression of the relationship will act as a(" Death of a thousand cuts" ) and each suprresion of whom you truely are will only cause resentment of the partner in the long term.I myself fell in to this trap with my Ex-wife only to wake up to whom she truely was when it was too late. William Shakespere I think said it best in one of his plays "To thine own self be true!" I think one can change and grow , but it should be because you want to , not because you might loose you partner if you did not. just my .02cnts.


Thanks for your response Butterbll love you giving your 2cents worth. I find what you have said here really interesting, though concerning. If this is the case and we put our good face forward so the relationship will progress then at what point can we actually feel we know the other person? Should we all be striving for a long courtship before we jump in and how long is long enough? I have spoken to men that were with women that wanted to wait to get to know each other for 6 months before becoming intimiate. They waited along with their "good front" and then after this decided that it was not what they wanted and showed their true selves. Gosh if someone can hide for this long how we will ever be sure of the person in front of us? Now on the other hand can any of us really be themselves at the start, and show their warts and all? I do think it is natural to want to make a true impression....... have to think on this one some more. :O


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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butterbll
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Posted on Sun, Jun 06, 2010 11:54

I personally feel that mutial interests are a component of a good relationship as well as interests that not are to your partners likeing. I feel all too often we are in our best behavior mode when in the starting stages of a relationship. However only to revert to out true selves as the relationship matures and progresses.I feel because of fear of rejectionthat we self censure our true feelings to just be agreeable and not cause a secene that may decimate the relationship. I feel all the little things that we suppress for the progression of the relationship will act as a(" Death of a thousand cuts" ) and each suprresion of whom you truely are will only cause resentment of the partner in the long term.I myself fell in to this trap with my Ex-wife only to wake up to whom she truely was when it was too late. William Shakespere I think said it best in one of his plays "To thine own self be true!" I think one can change and grow , but it should be because you want to , not because you might loose you partner if you did not. just my .02cnts.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 05, 2010 16:14

Quoting Reen59

This is a great topic and so many woman face it. I think it is SO important to share common interests...even in music. My ex and I would have what we called "mutual music" when we drove long distances..stuff we both liked. That was so helpful because neither of us felt resentful. I hated WWF wrestling and he hated soap operas but we kinda just fell into a pattern of taking turns doing things we both enjoyed on the side. I think it all depends on the person. If he is willing to compromise..then you have a winner. If one half of the couple stays quiet abt their likes and dislikes, then they are handing over control to the other. I think it is also important for both people to encourage each other's differences. This shows that each person is respected enough to be supported with whatever they are into. Like it or not, this is who I am. I would never want another person to give themselves up for me and I would never just hand myself over to somebody else with total abandon. Its just not healthy.


Thanks for posting Reen, its sounds like you have a healthy respect for yourself and your partner. Love the idea of "mutual music" I am sure this could be applied to other areas as well. Want to ask why you think people do give themselves over? Compromise is great but I know a lot of people that even though would be given the chance dont take the compromise and just do everything their partners want.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Reen59
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Posted on Sun, May 30, 2010 18:48

This is a great topic and so many woman face it. I think it is SO important to share common interests...even in music. My ex and I would have what we called "mutual music" when we drove long distances..stuff we both liked. That was so helpful because neither of us felt resentful. I hated WWF wrestling and he hated soap operas but we kinda just fell into a pattern of taking turns doing things we both enjoyed on the side. I think it all depends on the person. If he is willing to compromise..then you have a winner. If one half of the couple stays quiet abt their likes and dislikes, then they are handing over control to the other. I think it is also important for both people to encourage each other's differences. This shows that each person is respected enough to be supported with whatever they are into. Like it or not, this is who I am. I would never want another person to give themselves up for me and I would never just hand myself over to somebody else with total abandon. Its just not healthy.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, May 28, 2010 18:47

Quoting AmuseMe

Great subject, as always Oz. This really brings out feelings of resentment for me. I must say that the last relationship I was in I really did put ALL of my interests aside because I was so focused on making him happy and giving him the things that he wanted... Even down to not watching favorite tv programs because he didn't like them. I think I felt a purpose with doing that, like I had some worth to him if I put him first. Now, I really resent that I was such a love-sick fool... and that's exactly what I was. I was sick with it.. and I still am. I am not saying that the next time I fall in love that I will not do the same... I think that if each of us puts the other first but doesn't forget to attend to our own wants, that we can maintain a healthy, loving, caring relationship... but that's GOT to be a two way street.


Hi Amuse thanks and sorry to hear that you have gone through this. I know that feeling of moist dung you can be left and how stupid you can feel (talking about myself here lol). The reason I posted this is that this is a area that really scares me when I look at potential future relationships. I dont want this sort of relationship ever again but can not be sure I wont do it all again anyway. It is good to give and thats all part of a relationship, but when it is one sided as you said I think respect diminishes for both and then resentment settles in. Do you think it a matter of choosing wiser or is it within ourselves to handle our self worth and love ourselves a little too? The fool does not know what he has lost xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, May 28, 2010 18:18

Quoting Babycakes63

Wow Oz, once again, great topic! I have, in the past, tried to change myself so that others, men, would be more attracted to me... now I am just me and I found my man living in my old stompin' grounds! I am flawed and he knows my flaws and accepts them just as I know of his! Not going to try to change for him... nor am I going to try to change him. He likes my dorky side just as much as my wild side and all I can say is, "yee haw"! I have resented other fellas in the past for wanting me to change or for trying to change me... but Oz, I do have faith that this one is a keeper! Love, Elaine


Thanks Elaine and it does seem like you have found someone that matches and can keep up with you :P Think it is wonderful if we can find something like this where we can be ourselves and still be loved for it, though I do wonder how often it happens. What made the difference this time? You said that in the past you tried to change yourself so they would like you more, did you not do this with this man? So happy for you both .. smiles Ozred


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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AmuseMe
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Posted on Wed, May 26, 2010 12:10

Great subject, as always Oz. This really brings out feelings of resentment for me. I must say that the last relationship I was in I really did put ALL of my interests aside because I was so focused on making him happy and giving him the things that he wanted... Even down to not watching favorite tv programs because he didn't like them. I think I felt a purpose with doing that, like I had some worth to him if I put him first. Now, I really resent that I was such a love-sick fool... and that's exactly what I was. I was sick with it.. and I still am. I am not saying that the next time I fall in love that I will not do the same... I think that if each of us puts the other first but doesn't forget to attend to our own wants, that we can maintain a healthy, loving, caring relationship... but that's GOT to be a two way street.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Babycakes63
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Posted on Sun, May 23, 2010 05:04

Wow Oz, once again, great topic! I have, in the past, tried to change myself so that others, men, would be more attracted to me... now I am just me and I found my man living in my old stompin' grounds! I am flawed and he knows my flaws and accepts them just as I know of his! Not going to try to change for him... nor am I going to try to change him. He likes my dorky side just as much as my wild side and all I can say is, "yee haw"! I have resented other fellas in the past for wanting me to change or for trying to change me... but Oz, I do have faith that this one is a keeper! Love, Elaine


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