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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:11

A comment NerdyGuy made on one of the post about "drifting apart" made me wonder about this and why it happens.

 

I have heard this used many times as the reasons relationships break up, but what does it actually mean?  If 2 people loved each other and had lots in common at the start could they change so much that they no longer connect? Is this a natural evolution with relationships and how would you safe gaurd against it?

 

Knowing that I am the sort of person that is into constant personal improvement, love to learn about other people, my work and myself, should I pick a partner that is not so inclined, does that mean that the long future outcome is bleak?  I know you cant change someone, so wont even try to.  Do I need to choose a mirror image of myself or am I destined to have to change my partners on a regular basis because we longer connect? What are your thoughts?



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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 06:28

I hear what you are trying to say amuse... But there have always been abusive relationships and still are and even though woman have more rights, many woman stay in them. I think what Naught_bbw said was so on the mark that it is worth repeating. Quote: "we valued one another's input and shared of ourselves with our partners as much as we shared with our blogging audience. We aspired to achieve more and to be more and we wanted to share those goals with someone else. We struggled and we fought but we made up because we loved our partners because we didn't have talk show hosts telling us we shouldn't put up with that. We allowed ourselves to become hedonists who give in to our baser needs. We allowed others to use us for their own gratification and we were ok with it as long as we "got ours" too. We became so independent as women that we started looking down upon a man who didn't have as much as us. We taught our daughters that they "could do bad by themselves." We taught our sons that growing up without a father was ok and they took it too far and we didn't stop them. And, in the midst of all that, we started looking at relationships and partners in the short term. We stopped working out our differences and investing the time and effort into saving a relationship because "we deserve better." But, did we ever stop to ask ourselves if better is really better or if we equate better with different? Did we allow the divorce rates to skyrocket because the relationships truly had no chance of reconciliation or did we decide that it was too much work and it was ok because everybody was doing it? Did we liberate ourselves from the bad or did we just lose our way? Did the folks who were married 50, 60, 70, or more years make it because Oprah and Phil and all the others didn't open their eyes sooner? Or did they make it because they didn't treat one another as disposable but instead valued the friendships and hardships and the steadiness of a real relationship rather than believing it should always be an exciting, fulfilling ride every second?" Bravo! I think I have not read a better explanation of the answer to marriages/relationships/families falling apart. Smile-Azure


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Tue, Mar 09, 2010 05:08

They are right, all of your responders... true natures reveal themselves, people get selfish and neglectful, taking their partners love and compassion for granted until their partner just doesn't want to DO IT anymore. But, what everyone seems to be forgetting here is the subject of Female Independence. If you look at an elderly couple that have been able to maintain a 60 year relationship, do you get all dewy-eyed and filled with envy hoping to one day be lucky enough to have such a life-long love affair? Or are you like me and also wonder how much crap they had to deal with from each other throughout the years? How many times has he cheated on her and she's forgiven him, because there was no alternative for her? How many times has he smacked her, berated, belittled and publicly humiliated her? Or has she done it to him? Up until the last several decades, culture and society left women with very little choice if they were unhappy with a relationship. I believe relationships don't last anymore because, well, we don't have to put up with anyone's crap anymore if we don't want to. In the earlier decades of last century, girls and women were schooled by society and church to allow their husbands to behave a certain way, and if you were lucky enough to be granted a divorce, you'd consider yourself even luckier if your family wasn't ashamed of you and allowed you to come and live with them, because very few women were skilled enough to provide for themselves and their family financially. I know a 75 year old woman who divorced her husband of 45 years ten years ago. After years and years with this bastard, she had squirreled enough away and was finally able to take care of herself, she didn't have to put up with her abuser any longer. She LEFT him at the age of 65! Can you imagine the courage it took for her to do that?? In the end, for either male or female, it all really comes down to how much a person wants to put up with. I, personally, would rather live a happier, more solitary life, than live with someone such as my ex-husband for the rest of my life.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 16:06

Hi Oz- Quoting oz:(Thanks Elaine and you are right, but if we have a relationship that holds all of those qualities why do we still "drif apart" ? Or is it that we maybe really dont have them?) My father and mother celebrated a 51 year long marriage before my father died. I've seen lots of elders boasting 60 and 65 year long marriages. It is true that our society is the "all about me" society. Marriages/relationships have to weather many storms and there is no room for being self centered. I guess if the two don't become as one, they can easily begin to fall away from each other, not willing to weather the storms. I think a lot has been lost in this world in the last 50 years. I agree with naught_bbw, I think she explains it very well. Azure


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 05:04

Quoting 4ReelFun63

Personally, I believe people drift for plain and simple reasons...one of them being change. How well we adapt to change depends on the person and whether or not he or she dismisses it or accepts change and does something proactive. Change is inevitable and for me keeping a relationship alive is vital to that relationship. There are constants that need to remain in any relationship like remembering what brought us together, continuing to date each other versus falling into that comfort zone and just being content. People in general have certain needs in a relationship and when a couple of those needs change and are no longer satisfied, he or she strays from the relationship in search of those needs missed. Relationships take 100% from each partner...period.

I believe many people think that as we age we need to change our personalities and lifestyles to suit growing older. Why? We are how we are because of our personalities and why try and change that? I am still young at heart and many woman find that attractive...so why change something that others find attractive...make sense? Be real and keep it real!

 

Just my two cents!



Thanks for your comment and 2 cents worth. I agree that we constantly change and this is a factor as to why people can drift apart, but still have to question why we don't make that concerted effort to stay connected to each other? Maybe they do in those relationships that last? It is certainly something I want to make a priority in my next one. As far as change as we get older I think that we should only be who we are, warts and all. lol It never works if you are pretending to be someone you are not. Enjoy your young heart and have fun with the women that finds that attractive about you. :)


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4ReelFun63
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Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010 06:04

Personally, I believe people drift for plain and simple reasons...one of them being change. How well we adapt to change depends on the person and whether or not he or she dismisses it or accepts change and does something proactive. Change is inevitable and for me keeping a relationship alive is vital to that relationship. There are constants that need to remain in any relationship like remembering what brought us together, continuing to date each other versus falling into that comfort zone and just being content. People in general have certain needs in a relationship and when a couple of those needs change and are no longer satisfied, he or she strays from the relationship in search of those needs missed. Relationships take 100% from each partner...period.

I believe many people think that as we age we need to change our personalities and lifestyles to suit growing older. Why? We are how we are because of our personalities and why try and change that? I am still young at heart and many woman find that attractive...so why change something that others find attractive...make sense? Be real and keep it real!

 

Just my two cents!



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Feb 11, 2010 22:21

Quoting butterbll

I think some of the reasons that Couples drift apart is are sugggested by Naughty BBW. One being that people get cought up in Material world. Second I feel that they some times are not true to them selves about the Stability of the relationship.Lots of the little warning sings are over looked ,or dismissed for fear of causing an Argument. Or the lack of "True" commmuncation with their partner. Another reason is the " Emotional Age" of the person. If one partner is the "adult" and the other Acts like a "2 year old " not much tranquility will be present . I Refer to my past Experiance with My now Ex. When I first met her she was no warning signs that I saw. However later as the relationship progressed I over looked the Serious defects in her personality that concerned me and let them slide because of her past husband. However later on after three years of marriage I knew that She was not the person I fell in love with 4 years before . NO this woman was a Egotistical , Manipulative , Pysco who blamed every problem in the relationship on me .(NO I was not perfect.) She was constantly complaining about the Ability of her not being to pay bills. yet she was the one controling ALL the Finances and made ALL the purchases. (Note By this time I was working three jobs) yet she spent like A drunken congressional poltician with you money. Or The problems of her Family camped out in my house all the time . Or her Blind faith in her family was not going to take advantage of her.(Note Every thing that I told her was going to happen when she threw me out that new years day has came to pass and MORE! Yet to this day she says I left of my Own free will and accord. (Note the Trailer we both lived in was on her dads property and mom and dad lived Right next door and her Sister and husband lived 50 yarda away and her grandmother was moving on the property. ( Her moms and dads house was close enough to #1 on the house from the back door .) However she said I was free to stay.YEAH RIGHT . Me being there would be as stable as a wagon full of "Sweaty TNT" on a Boulder strewn road , at full galllop. Soooner or later there be a big smoking mess .I feel that One has to be honest it the communication with their partner. As a Good partner I feel "We need to fully Listen to our partners needs, and not let the detris of emotional reactionary posturing get in the way. We also need to let our partner know how we feel about something. and the other has a Duty not to use those feeling as a weapond as my Ex did . Sorry If I got on my soap box and Started preaching . I hope It answers the Question for A guys perspective .


Thanks Butterbll for sharing this and you certainly have a way of expressing things. lol :)  This sounds like the relationship from hell in many ways and I am sorry that you have had this expierience.

 

Wanted to ask though why you did not notice these things in the first few years?  Now is it that love is blind like they say or was she hiding her true self from you?  If we are to have successful relationships and want true and honest comminication how can we be sure that we have that with the person we are with?  Is it that one person changes and the other one is shocked with the "new" person in front of them or do they both change but fail to notice or get to know each other in the process? 

 

Sorry for going on here but this topic really interests me and I would love to have more insight into it before I jump into my next relationship.  :)



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Feb 11, 2010 22:12

Quoting Babycakes63

Oz, I think it is all about where our priorities lie. Fear, Love, newness are all great motivators, but I believe that Honesty, communication and mutual respect are the true means to togetherness. Just my two cents, Elaine


Thanks Elaine and you are right, but if we have a relationship that holds all of those qualities why do we still "drif apart" ?  Or is it that we maybe really dont have them?

 



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Feb 11, 2010 22:10

Quoting BarefooteDiva

Power and Control,,,one of you in the relationship, always winds up giving in to the other. Mainly for all the wrong reasons, I did't want to keep fighting, it was easier just to shut up and shut down. He/she stopped communicating. I hate to say it, but the way of the world today is that most people are selfish, we are the "me" generation after all. We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it, and because of that, we've made ourselves a "disposable property" generation. When it stops working, we run to the next person or thing that makes us feel better, instead of wanting to put the hard work in to fix the situation and make people grow closer. I did that, for 8 years with a guy. I turned myself into who he wanted me to be, because I thought I loved him. The more I let myself be what he wanted me to be, the worse it made me feel. That was until I started taking back my independence. What did he do? The same as the last 2 guys,, he ran out and cheated on me with someone 10 years younger. It's always going to be about power and control on relationships. That's just the way of the world, like it or not. Funny my Mother asked me the other day, would I ever consider getting into another relationship. I honestly told her, I'm not sure. 3 times, 3 relationships have fallen to the way side, with me being cheated on. I cook, clean, work, sing, raised a child,,and here I am at 45 still single. But I haven't given up yet. Instead I took someone's advice, kept my head up, wrote down some rules for myself, what I would and wouldn't settle for. I'm sticking to them. The world is a mixed up place everyone. But, I still believe there is someone for everyone. Drifting happens, but having the courage, strength and boldness to do the work, even if it means you still lose that person in the long run, will ultimately make you the better person. Chin up Wilbur, has always been my favorite book/movie line. Never give up, life is to short to give up!! Barefoote!!!!


So much in this respons Barefoote, thank you for sharing.  I do want to ask if I may, if within those relationships where you " turned myself into who he wanted me to be" you were actually with the right person for you to start with?  I can see your power and control issue here though you gave away your power willingly to have the relationship, so to me this was not infact a real relationship at all. 

 

I hope you dont take offence to this, just saying what I think from having lived this situation way too many times myself. For myself I found pretending to be someone I was not too hard to sustain, and of ccourse when the real me started to emerge, well all hell broke loose, with the realization that there was actually no relationship here to save in the first place.

 

This is a very interesting topic to me and thank you for the idea, think I will post a new blog on it . :)

 

 



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Feb 11, 2010 21:54

Quoting smoosh

Drifting in the sea of aging, tiredness and no one needing you anyone longer or valuing your conversation let alone your opinion/thoughts. My spouse was older and once he retired he aged and was tired and didn't seem to value our time (he had lots of it)and the kids didn't need me as much as "drifted apart" as the saying goes. I was half the partnership and just as guilty - went to marriage counselling on my own and found out a few things about myself that I had never considered. Could I really be that selfish and not envision 20+ more years until death do us part ? Could I do that to my family? I did and it does get better but then I do worry about drifting.....no guarantees in life - up to you what you make of it. You do your best with the knowledge and instinct that you have and a little bit if help from your family and friends to keep you focused.


Thanks for sharing this Smoosh and it must have been hard for you to watch the decline of your relationship like that.  I do wonder if it is just that we stop trying?  Stop working at it?  I know that some partners I have had, if I was there boss, would have been sacked well before the relationship ended.  You are right life is what you make of it, do we forget to keep "making" our relationships? 



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Feb 11, 2010 21:50

Quoting islandgal64

I think it can be when the reality sets in ... for example when one partner realises it's only them investing any effort in the relationship, or when it seems like the other is going along with it because that's the easy option rather than considering what they really want. Oz, I think it's important to be with someone with similar values. (Note, I'm talking values here, not preferences, religious persuasion etc - I think it's possible for different religions, races etc to still have similar values in terms of what is right and good!) I'm not suggesting you should be in agreement on every single topic, that would be soooooo dull, but you can see obvious frustrations on the horizon if basic values are at the opposing ends of the scale.

Agree with you there Islandgal and values are very important in a relationship and often not considered by many in their selection criteria.  I do wonder though if this really has an effect on the "drifting apart" situation.  Have seen and been in a relationship where there were similar values and though it did make the break up easier did not stop it from occurring.  Got to be more to it??? :)



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Feb 08, 2010 23:06

Quoting Iammekea

Sometimes I think that people drift apart when they get tired of pretending to be what they aren't.   In all honesty... I've spent years trying to portray someone that I'm not and when I gave up hiding, that's when the drift began.  Sometimes both parties are faking - are trying to be something that they aren't because the other person seems to be everything that they want and well... you could see how that ends badly.  But in a lot of situations, I think people just follow the butterflies and neglect to have those core conversations that outline everything you want and need.  I don't think they should just happen when you first meet someone but it should happen every so often so that you both are on the same page or can at least see if there is some way to meet each other in the middle.

 



What a interesting concept you have here Lammekea, would have never thought of this but do think that you are right in many ways.  We do tend to put our best face forward when we met someone and that is why it takes time to see the "warts" sometimes, as people let down their guard and show them selves.  I guess that this is just another reason we should know who we are and what we want. Thank you for posting this, it has given me food for thought. 



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 22:44

Quoting naught_bbw

I'm jumping up on my soapbox...

We live in the type of society where it's more important to amass material wealth and to keep up with the Joneses that we forget that we are more than the sum of our stuff.  We forget that once upon a time, wevalued one another's input and shared of ourselves with our partners as much as we shared with our blogging audience.  We aspired to achieve more and to be more and we wanted to share those goals with someone else.  We struggled and we fought but we made up because we loved our partners because we didn't have talk show hosts telling us we shouldn't put up with that.

We allowed ourselves to become hedonists who give in to our baser needs.  We allowed others to use us for their own gratification and we were ok with it as long as we "got ours" too.  We became so independent as women that we started looking down upon a man who didn't have as much as us.  We taught our daughters that they "could do bad by themselves." We taught our sons that growing up without a father was ok and they took it too far and we didn't stop them.

And, in the midst of all that, we started looking at relationships and partners in the short term.  We stopped working out our differences and investing the time and effort into saving a relationship because "we deserve better."  But, did we ever stop to ask ourselves if better is really better or if we equate better with different? Did we allow the divorce rates to skyrocket because the relationships truly had no chance of reconciliation or did we decide that it was too much work and it was ok because everybody was doing it?

Did we liberate ourselves from the bad or did we just lose our way?  Did the folks who were married 50, 60, 70, or more years make it because Oprah and Phil and all the others didn't open their eyes sooner? Or did they make it because they didn't treat one another as disposable but instead valued the friendships and hardships and the steadiness of a real relationship rather than believing it should always be an exciting, fulfilling ride every second?

I'm sorry to ask so many questions in response to yours.  I'm not sure that they make sense.  But, what I do know is that with the dawn of modern times, it's becoming harder and harder to find folks who've been in relationships longer than they've had an email account.  I've had longer relationships with my insurance and phone companies than some of the folks I've dated.  That's not only sad.  It's scary.

I'll step off my soapbox on that note.



Wow Naught dont know where to start, but thanks for sharing your thoughts.  There are many issues and very good questions here that would take more than this blog to unravel, and some may not actually have valid answers only opinions.

 

I want to refer to relationsips of the past where we saw marriages last out to the death do we part and stay together despite the hard times or horrible relatoinships that they may have had.  I do think that women then were stuck in situations where they did not have options and had to bear whatever they were faced with.  They needs their husbands in many cases to survive and adding to this would have also been shunned by society for leaving or considering divorce.

 

Now that is not the case and women have options, do not need a man to survive financially and depite wheter it is good or bad, do not feel out cast by society.  Has this freedom allowed for women to bail out when they should be sticking at it a bit more?  Hard to say really. 

 

On the other hand men I dont think have adapted to the modern idea of marriage.  In the past they would be the one making the decisions and in charge of the household.  Having a women depend on them for their finiancial survival gave them great power and I would guess that many did not really try to make the relationship work? They did not need to as they were in charge.  This of course now leaves some of them lost as to what their roles are within the modern relationship. 

 

Now gong back to the topic I do think that maybe men and women dont really spend enough time in the evaluation process when dating.  Many people take more time in checking out their new car than the partner they will marry.  Some topics seem to be taboo to some people so never get the discussion they need.  Maybe it should be enforced that all couples do some sort of pre marriage courses where some of this can be looked at and real evaluaton is done? 

 

I know that the relationships that I have had that drifted apart where either from the fact that we had not much in common in the first place, or we forgot to work on keeping that connection.  Do think that we forget that a relationship has to be continually workded on for it to grow and survive. 

 

Just my 50 cents worth and turn on that soapbox.  lol :)



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butterbll
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 22:37

I think some of the reasons that Couples drift apart is are sugggested by Naughty BBW. One being that people get cought up in Material world. Second I feel that they some times are not true to them selves about the Stability of the relationship.Lots of the little warning sings are over looked ,or dismissed for fear of causing an Argument. Or the lack of "True" commmuncation with their partner. Another reason is the " Emotional Age" of the person. If one partner is the "adult" and the other Acts like a "2 year old " not much tranquility will be present . I Refer to my past Experiance with My now Ex. When I first met her she was no warning signs that I saw. However later as the relationship progressed I over looked the Serious defects in her personality that concerned me and let them slide because of her past husband. However later on after three years of marriage I knew that She was not the person I fell in love with 4 years before . NO this woman was a Egotistical , Manipulative , Pysco who blamed every problem in the relationship on me .(NO I was not perfect.) She was constantly complaining about the Ability of her not being to pay bills. yet she was the one controling ALL the Finances and made ALL the purchases. (Note By this time I was working three jobs) yet she spent like A drunken congressional poltician with you money. Or The problems of her Family camped out in my house all the time . Or her Blind faith in her family was not going to take advantage of her.(Note Every thing that I told her was going to happen when she threw me out that new years day has came to pass and MORE! Yet to this day she says I left of my Own free will and accord. (Note the Trailer we both lived in was on her dads property and mom and dad lived Right next door and her Sister and husband lived 50 yarda away and her grandmother was moving on the property. ( Her moms and dads house was close enough to #1 on the house from the back door .) However she said I was free to stay.YEAH RIGHT . Me being there would be as stable as a wagon full of "Sweaty TNT" on a Boulder strewn road , at full galllop. Soooner or later there be a big smoking mess .I feel that One has to be honest it the communication with their partner. As a Good partner I feel "We need to fully Listen to our partners needs, and not let the detris of emotional reactionary posturing get in the way. We also need to let our partner know how we feel about something. and the other has a Duty not to use those feeling as a weapond as my Ex did . Sorry If I got on my soap box and Started preaching . I hope It answers the Question for A guys perspective .


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 21:59

Quoting NerdyGuy

For us, it was my return to college.  Before that we would talk about the kids, tv, family, etc.  After a year back in college I started talking about other things like current events and politics.  She wasn't in the least bit interested and whenever I brought up any topic other than the pre-college ones she would kind of clam up and either change the subject or just drift off.  Eventually we didn't really talk at all.  Soon she decided to, not to go to college, but attend a vocational school to learn medical assisting.  There were a lot of girls in the class from 18 to early 20s and she began to talk & hang out with them.  She eventually blew off school and tried to keep up with the younger girls and started going out, neglecting the kids and me.  Now, not is our relationship beyond repair but our kids have no respect for her and refuse to see her.  She started drinking and getting into a few of the "milder" drugs and spending the night away from the house.  The kids saw their dad busting his ass going to college and working while their mom was trying to be a teenager and spending the night who knows where.  It still hurts them that their mom took off dec 24, 2008 and didn't come home until the 27th.  Then when she got home said it wasn't anbody's business where she was and she didn't have to answer to anyone.  Like an idiot I stuck in there for another few months before calling it quits.  Anyway, I know that's a whole hell of a lot more than merely "drifting apart" but that's what happened.  Maybe if I stopped after the first few sentences that would've sufficiently answered your question lol.



Well have to say that is a sad story thank you for sharing it with us.  I can see all of this must have been very hard on you and especially on the kids.  I do hope that some how their relationship can be repaired at some stage and  they are lucky to have you there for them.

 

I do find it interesting what you say about your interests or connection prior to you returning to study.  I could be wrong but you did not seem to have a lot in common to begin with? There may be more but you did only mention kids, tv and family.  What did you talk about before the kids? 

 

I know that many couples are too busy having the relationship to actually create or evaluate the relationship.  Is this a factor in drifting apart caused by not being a good emotional and intellectual match to begin with?  Just throwing some thoughts out. :)



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Babycakes63
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 18:51

Oz, I think it is all about where our priorities lie. Fear, Love, newness are all great motivators, but I believe that Honesty, communication and mutual respect are the true means to togetherness. Just my two cents, Elaine


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BarefooteDiva
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 14:54

Power and Control,,,one of you in the relationship, always winds up giving in to the other. Mainly for all the wrong reasons, I did't want to keep fighting, it was easier just to shut up and shut down. He/she stopped communicating. I hate to say it, but the way of the world today is that most people are selfish, we are the "me" generation after all. We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it, and because of that, we've made ourselves a "disposable property" generation. When it stops working, we run to the next person or thing that makes us feel better, instead of wanting to put the hard work in to fix the situation and make people grow closer. I did that, for 8 years with a guy. I turned myself into who he wanted me to be, because I thought I loved him. The more I let myself be what he wanted me to be, the worse it made me feel. That was until I started taking back my independence. What did he do? The same as the last 2 guys,, he ran out and cheated on me with someone 10 years younger. It's always going to be about power and control on relationships. That's just the way of the world, like it or not. Funny my Mother asked me the other day, would I ever consider getting into another relationship. I honestly told her, I'm not sure. 3 times, 3 relationships have fallen to the way side, with me being cheated on. I cook, clean, work, sing, raised a child,,and here I am at 45 still single. But I haven't given up yet. Instead I took someone's advice, kept my head up, wrote down some rules for myself, what I would and wouldn't settle for. I'm sticking to them. The world is a mixed up place everyone. But, I still believe there is someone for everyone. Drifting happens, but having the courage, strength and boldness to do the work, even if it means you still lose that person in the long run, will ultimately make you the better person. Chin up Wilbur, has always been my favorite book/movie line. Never give up, life is to short to give up!! Barefoote!!!!


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smoosh
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 14:07

Drifting in the sea of aging, tiredness and no one needing you anyone longer or valuing your conversation let alone your opinion/thoughts. My spouse was older and once he retired he aged and was tired and didn't seem to value our time (he had lots of it)and the kids didn't need me as much as "drifted apart" as the saying goes. I was half the partnership and just as guilty - went to marriage counselling on my own and found out a few things about myself that I had never considered. Could I really be that selfish and not envision 20+ more years until death do us part ? Could I do that to my family? I did and it does get better but then I do worry about drifting.....no guarantees in life - up to you what you make of it. You do your best with the knowledge and instinct that you have and a little bit if help from your family and friends to keep you focused.


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islandgal64
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Posted on Sun, Feb 07, 2010 09:10

I think it can be when the reality sets in ... for example when one partner realises it's only them investing any effort in the relationship, or when it seems like the other is going along with it because that's the easy option rather than considering what they really want. Oz, I think it's important to be with someone with similar values. (Note, I'm talking values here, not preferences, religious persuasion etc - I think it's possible for different religions, races etc to still have similar values in terms of what is right and good!) I'm not suggesting you should be in agreement on every single topic, that would be soooooo dull, but you can see obvious frustrations on the horizon if basic values are at the opposing ends of the scale.


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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 21:02

Sometimes I think that people drift apart when they get tired of pretending to be what they aren't.   In all honesty... I've spent years trying to portray someone that I'm not and when I gave up hiding, that's when the drift began.  Sometimes both parties are faking - are trying to be something that they aren't because the other person seems to be everything that they want and well... you could see how that ends badly.  But in a lot of situations, I think people just follow the butterflies and neglect to have those core conversations that outline everything you want and need.  I don't think they should just happen when you first meet someone but it should happen every so often so that you both are on the same page or can at least see if there is some way to meet each other in the middle.

 


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