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A scenario for you think about, could you or would you? Sort by:
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aimeefla
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Posted on Sat, Nov 07, 2009 16:20

Heres the history. A friend of mine, Erika, met Bob about a year ago. They went out for a month, got engaged for three days. Fought and broke it off. Then they got back together, but not engaged. They did this for the next 8 months. Each time she fought with him, left, she would meet another guy the same night. When Erika and Bob were together, they went to dances, if he danced with anyone else she threw a fit. ( I only really know Erika's side, sorry) They broke up again the beginning of September. She wanted to go on a three state motorcycle ride with an ex boyfriend, since it was the end of the riding season in her area. Bob knew she was going, not happy about it at all, but.. he had no choice. I found out later he had decided not to ever see her again if she went on the ride. On Sept 5th, she survived a fatal motorcycle accident. The drive died on the scene. She broke her back, shattered both legs, broke her ribs. Once they contacted her daughter, he asked her to call Bob, he went to her side. She may never walk again, he's now going to marry her so she can be put on his medical insurance policy. He has told me that she is his sole mate, but he's also asked me why he's doing this? He calls me with updates on her condition then we stated to talk a bit. I met him when they both came for a visit in February. What would you do? A rather convoluted situation and I've only skimmed the highlights for you here. THanks for reading and sending me your thoughts. Nat


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jbowers501
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Posted on Wed, Dec 30, 2009 07:21

This was his choice. I do not always agree with my family. However, each of them has a right to do whatever they feel should be done. Then it is my job to support them.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Nov 17, 2009 23:36

Quoting aimeefla:

Hi OZ, Now that you say that, I started to think about it. Yes, I had to disconnect from several men because of their taking. I'm learning to identify them faster now. The other thing I see, as I change and as we said before, the different types of people in my circle. I'm venturing outside of my comfort zone more now. I'm starting to do things that I'd never think of doing before. I joined a photography group. It seems to be international, but I'm not sure. This is an interest based group, not a singles group. I'm going to have to learn to budget my time more carefully now. Sunday, the 15th, I'm going to the zoo to take pictures and meet the group. Meeting more takers has not stopped, I also think it might have to do with the degree of taking. I have to evaluate my degree of giving too. Since they go hand in hand I need to give my side much more thought. Have you ever thought about our side? How much it enough to give? How much do you take? hummmmm Nat OZ Wrote: "Gosh Nat thought we were going to have a scene like that of When Harry Met Sally ?? lol Yes I do feel that we do take been given to as something hard, somehow lowers the givers value dont you think? Tough giving is great only when it unhealthy and unbalanced is it an issue. Did you find as a giver that you attracted the takers more than now?"


Thats wonderful Nat, so glad that you are seeing things easier and getting out there and doing things for yourself.

¿

I alway used to think that this made me selfish if when I did things for myself but now can see that its a must in a healthy love and respect for myself.

¿

It is very interesting when you look at your side of things, I found that I would look for a match to feed my needs of giving, but then resent them when they just took all the time.¿ Yes never said I am sane , just a loud mouth lol¿ I think it very much reflects where you are for a taker would not be tolerated at all by someone that is also another taker.

¿

Now something interesting happened to me recently, I met a giver, a really nice guy would give me anything, and he so reminded me of my former self.¿ Now what was interestiung is that I perceived him as being weak.¿ Not that he is I think, but this is how I felt with him.¿ Maybe I have gotten that balance of give and take and am facing a stable healthy relationship at last ... well I hope so.¿ lol

¿

Now that I know who I am better I give up to the point that I feel I am being used, and take to te point of also being comfortble.¿ Know that this does not help much to answer your questions here but do think its a subjective thing anyway.¿ When I was a big giver I would not have been uncomfortable or even seen what I was doing as I needed to do that to satisty myself.¿ Al this has certainly made me look at the men in my past that i considered had maybe used me ..... maybe I used them to to satisfy my need to give?¿

¿

Thanks for letting me go on again but do find this a very interesting topoc. :)



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Sat, Nov 14, 2009 04:48

Hi OZ, Now that you say that, I started to think about it. Yes, I had to disconnect from several men because of their taking. I'm learning to identify them faster now. The other thing I see, as I change and as we said before, the different types of people in my circle. I'm venturing outside of my comfort zone more now. I'm starting to do things that I'd never think of doing before. I joined a photography group. It seems to be international, but I'm not sure. This is an interest based group, not a singles group. I'm going to have to learn to budget my time more carefully now. Sunday, the 15th, I'm going to the zoo to take pictures and meet the group. Meeting more takers has not stopped, I also think it might have to do with the degree of taking. I have to evaluate my degree of giving too. Since they go hand in hand I need to give my side much more thought. Have you ever thought about our side? How much it enough to give? How much do you take? hummmmm Nat OZ Wrote: "Gosh Nat thought we were going to have a scene like that of When Harry Met Sally ?? lol Yes I do feel that we do take been given to as something hard, somehow lowers the givers value dont you think? Tough giving is great only when it unhealthy and unbalanced is it an issue. Did you find as a giver that you attracted the takers more than now?"


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Nov 13, 2009 17:53

Quoting aimeefla:

WOW Oz, yes yes yes. First, I agree with the "normal" givers and takers concept. I'm a giver and I've had a hard time learning to take and feel worthy of taking in return and sometimes just to be the recipient graciously. That's been the hardest for me, knowing that I'm worthy. I've made great strides though. I've learned to appreciate what I give me. I don't think you were harsh, you're reality bases. Someone that's a total giver would not be happy, for long with another giver. They'd be at odds with each other before long, I'd think. On changing me, yes I've been there and continue to change me as I see the need. Then I do see different people waffle into and out of my life, just as you said. This, to me is the test of how I'm doing by those that I attract. Hard to keep tack sometimes, one day I simply realize they're gone and someone else has filled that void. Yes? That's my thoughts on a topic I really enjoy. :-D Nat OZ wrote: Well Nat Im going to try to answer your questions here from my viewpoint. I think that the "normal" guys that understand give and take as you say look for the women that understand it too. As do the takers look for the givers, and givers are attracted to the takeres. Both gain from this situation. Now I know that may be a bit harsh, but people do only treat us the way we let them, and I do think that if there is an imbalance of the giving and taking it is due to the need from either or both parties to have this in their lives. Just my 50 cents worth here, but having being a giver for a big part of my life, even when I found a man that was equal or sane on this I could not allow him to be that as it was more important to me to give and I could not take. Change who you are and you change those around you. You only get what you expect. I did and so did the type of men that I attract in my life. What are your thoughts on this?


Gosh Nat thought we were going to have a scene like that of When Harry Met Sally ??¿ lol

¿

Yes I do feel that we do take been given to as something hard, somehow lowers the givers value dont you think?¿ Tough giving is great only when it unhealthy and unbalanced is it an issue.

¿

Did you find as a giver that you attracted the takers more than now?

¿



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Wed, Nov 11, 2009 16:17

WOW Oz, yes yes yes. First, I agree with the "normal" givers and takers concept. I'm a giver and I've had a hard time learning to take and feel worthy of taking in return and sometimes just to be the recipient graciously. That's been the hardest for me, knowing that I'm worthy. I've made great strides though. I've learned to appreciate what I give me. I don't think you were harsh, you're reality bases. Someone that's a total giver would not be happy, for long with another giver. They'd be at odds with each other before long, I'd think. On changing me, yes I've been there and continue to change me as I see the need. Then I do see different people waffle into and out of my life, just as you said. This, to me is the test of how I'm doing by those that I attract. Hard to keep tack sometimes, one day I simply realize they're gone and someone else has filled that void. Yes? That's my thoughts on a topic I really enjoy. :-D Nat OZ wrote: Well Nat Im going to try to answer your questions here from my viewpoint. I think that the "normal" guys that understand give and take as you say look for the women that understand it too. As do the takers look for the givers, and givers are attracted to the takeres. Both gain from this situation. Now I know that may be a bit harsh, but people do only treat us the way we let them, and I do think that if there is an imbalance of the giving and taking it is due to the need from either or both parties to have this in their lives. Just my 50 cents worth here, but having being a giver for a big part of my life, even when I found a man that was equal or sane on this I could not allow him to be that as it was more important to me to give and I could not take. Change who you are and you change those around you. You only get what you expect. I did and so did the type of men that I attract in my life. What are your thoughts on this?


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Nov 10, 2009 15:11

Quoting aimeefla:

Hi everyone, You all have gotten the gist of the story. Bob was married twice before, one wife cheated on him, another one gambled him into debt. He has a huge heart and said he cannot leave her in her time of need. He does lots of volunteer work, habitat for humanity, he was an aide in the hospital, an emt. He is 100% a giver, he has been asking when is it HIS time to receiver. But I'm not sure he would be comfortable in that role. We all have our roles in life, Bob is the giver in this life. She knows what she has done to him, over and over again. She lied to him, he knows it, he told her what he found out. It's beyond me to treat anyone like that as I refuse to be treated like she treated him. I only hope that she will never treat him like that again. He is going overboard to help her now. I have told her, over and over, that she was so lucky to have someone. BUT now I wonder if it's really luck or if she knew he was a giver to work with her being a taker. That's another blog !!! The truly altruistic people and the the takers that use them and abuse them. ( shaking my head to the left and right) It brings up a hole host of issues. She asked me is it was fair to marry him now that she is all broken. I told her I could not and would never be able to answer that question being on the outside looking in. Now my question, where are the guys that are "normal" and understand give and take? Why are some of us having trouble finding them? What does Erika know? What does Bob know? Nat


Well Nat Im going to try to answer your questions here from my viewpoint. I think that the "normal" guys that understand give and take as you say look for the women that understand it too. As do the takers look for the givers, and givers are attracted to the takeres. Both gain from this situation. Now I know that may be a bit harsh, but people do only treat us the way we let them, and I do think that if there is an imbalance of the giving and taking it is due to the need from either or both parties to have this in their lives. Just my 50 cents worth here, but having being a giver for a big part of my life, even when I found a man that was equal or sane on this I could not allow him to be that as it was more important to me to give and I could not take. Change who you are and you change those around you. You only get what you expect. I did and so did the type of men that I attract in my life. What are your thoughts on this?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Sun, Nov 08, 2009 06:43

Hi everyone, You all have gotten the gist of the story. Bob was married twice before, one wife cheated on him, another one gambled him into debt. He has a huge heart and said he cannot leave her in her time of need. He does lots of volunteer work, habitat for humanity, he was an aide in the hospital, an emt. He is 100% a giver, he has been asking when is it HIS time to receiver. But I'm not sure he would be comfortable in that role. We all have our roles in life, Bob is the giver in this life. She knows what she has done to him, over and over again. She lied to him, he knows it, he told her what he found out. It's beyond me to treat anyone like that as I refuse to be treated like she treated him. I only hope that she will never treat him like that again. He is going overboard to help her now. I have told her, over and over, that she was so lucky to have someone. BUT now I wonder if it's really luck or if she knew he was a giver to work with her being a taker. That's another blog !!! The truly altruistic people and the the takers that use them and abuse them. ( shaking my head to the left and right) It brings up a hole host of issues. She asked me is it was fair to marry him now that she is all broken. I told her I could not and would never be able to answer that question being on the outside looking in. Now my question, where are the guys that are "normal" and understand give and take? Why are some of us having trouble finding them? What does Erika know? What does Bob know? Nat


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sun, Nov 08, 2009 04:12

This relly is a sad story Nat, and you are in a hard place, not going to win either way. The thing is here that he has already made up his mind to do this despite his doubts and nothing you can say or do will really change it. He is gaining from this in his own way and will go ahead regardless. What I would do is tell him how you feel about it all, but that you are his friend and will support him and any decision that he makes but that you want him to be careful. One thing that may work is ask him what he would say to his best friend if he/she was in the same situation? Sometimes we are so embroiled in our emotions that we cant see. Do wish him all the best. :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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butterbll
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Posted on Sat, Nov 07, 2009 21:04

Not knowing All the facts It is hard to make a Informed decesion. However my Gut reaction is It sounds Erika is playing him like a fiddle, and when she gets better will cast him aside like a used diaper. Sounds like Bob is A swell guy for wanting to Save this "Damsel" in distress.But she chose to put herself in the "pickle" that she is in right now ,by running off with an old boyfreind on a scooter ride . Now Bob is feeling guilty about his decesion to let her go if she went on the bike run.


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smoosh
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Posted on Sat, Nov 07, 2009 19:48

He'a a better man than I am a woman. I don't know that I could do that having been through what they have with the jealousy of him dancing with others and then she went on motorcycle ride with ex against his wishes - respect ? and the frequent fights. Guess he is settling for something rather than nothing. And in some ways she is getting pity? ( I would hate that but what other choices does she have as I'm sure no one else is breaking down the door to support her in the way he is offering to do ) I truly hope she loves him in her own way and that that is enough for the both of them since it will be a labour of love. My 5 cents worth .... wow - he sounds like a good friend


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Babycakes63
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Posted on Sat, Nov 07, 2009 17:06

Nat, Wow there is a tough one. I have fought with things like this most of my life and have come to the conclusion, reality, that I have no control over anyone but myself. There is nothing that you can do but either be a friend and listen, be a friend and tell him that only he has the answer to what and why and be supportive in his decision. It makes me wonder why he would put himself through all of this though... Was she your friend first? Does she realize what she put this man through? How do YOU feel about being caught up in the middle? Love, Elaine


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