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silv2001
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Posted on Sun, Aug 30, 2009 22:03

Ok, heres the situation. I have been seperated from my ex for 3+ years and divorced for a litle over two. We were high school sweethearts and were together for almost twelve years. We have a son (perfect i might add) who is seven. I so miss the company, attention, and everything that forms a relationship. First thing, my ex is a very judgemental person always has been. When I get in another relationship how can I protect the feelings of my new mate, because it is inevitable that my ex will begin her derogatory comments about this person. I can hear it now comments about weight, intelligence, lack of fashion sense, and etc... Maybe this won't bother the new person but it will affect me alot. Is this normal and how have those of you who have dealt with it done so? Second thing-Breaking the news of someone else in your life to a child. It almost kills me to think that anything that i do might affect my son in a negative way. It's almost as if i would want to pass on a very solid new relationship for fear of having to 'justify' it to my son. If you know something that might help please let me know.


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one2one
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Posted on Mon, Sep 07, 2009 02:01

Quoting: Originally posted by silv2001
Thanks everybody, you gave me some great advice. And I dont give a eff (sry) what my ex thinks i'm more worried about the feelings of the new woman in my life. Would i deal with it the same way also?


If that's the case (and good for you), then a little reassurance from you when it looks like the caddy comments are getting to a new woman in your life may be all she needs. Keep in mind that woman intrinsically understand other women in the same way men understand other men much better than we do. She may already know that comments like that are coming from insecurity, jealousy or typical female aggression. Use them as an opportunity to express your feelings for her and how you see her. It could actually bring you closer to your new romantic partner, and wouldn't that be ironic!


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islandgal64
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Posted on Fri, Sep 04, 2009 08:40

Once we get past a certain age there is a pretty good chance that any potential partner will have a past - that may include ex(es) and children. The kids should not be viewed as baggage - they are part of you - but personally I would always be very wary of a tricky access/custody situation. We'll all have different views for sure, but as a single woman with no children I wouldn't have a problem forming a relationship with a dad. My approach/expectations would be: - for the guy to be open about having a child/children - not to expect to meet the kids until the relationship had some kind of stability - to play it low key when meeting the kid(s) and let them get to know me at their pace - to respect the views of the parents and not try to take control or act as a replacement Mum - to accept that the Dad would still need to be in touch with his ex because of the child(ren) but not be at their beck and call 24-7 or to have an inappropriate relationship - not to get involved in b*tching about the ex and her potential new partner(s) especially in front of the child(ren) Hmmm ..... easier said than done in some cases I'm sure!! Good Luck!


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butterbll
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Posted on Wed, Sep 02, 2009 23:01

Hey If she cant accept you as a package deal then she is not worth you time.If on the first get together date be honest. Be up front about having a child on you first serious date. Also tell her the custody arrangements. To prevent her from showing up one weekend unexpectedly expecting hoping surprise you and go out on a date. Really bad when you have you childs visitation and allready have s "kiddo" time scheduled. Real important If you don't have sole custody full time allready.


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silv2001
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Posted on Mon, Aug 31, 2009 20:32

Thanks everybody, you gave me some great advice. And I dont give a eff (sry) what my ex thinks i'm more worried about the feelings of the new woman in my life. Would i deal with it the same way also?


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butterbll
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Posted on Mon, Aug 31, 2009 19:57

From my own personal experiance you have to LIVE you OWN life. Dont worry about what you EX-thinks! In my case I severely limited my Ex's contact with others that I was seening. If it had come up For her my (ex-wife) asking, I would even probially told her... "Since we are not married, my personal comfort and personal life are NONE Of your conceern." As for the the Child issue be upfront on the first dates tell them. Tell that you are not looking for a Replacement mother for you child. If they run screaming for the door you have lost little.Ok may be the price of a nice diner. Plus you have found out that they were not right for you. As for you having to justify the New female in you life to your son. Tell you son that the "New woman" in you life is not going to replace his mother. Again I have to say that you have to live your own life. You cannot let your child run your life.If a relationship is getting serious you have to involve him in you plans.Seek his advice on things(if he likes the present woman you are seeing) if it is progressing past the casual dating stage. However you can not let him run your life , because he will eventually leave home.In a few short years when he turns 18. If you tell him the truth on why the marriage broke up he will understand why you and you ex wife are not together. Don't sugar coat the reasons why,Nor do you let your emotions get in the way in telling him about the reasons.Just be honest with him if he asks why.


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one2one
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Posted on Mon, Aug 31, 2009 18:11

It sounds like maybe a list (an arsenal if you need it) of conversation stoppers might be in order for those times your ex can't help but make unkind comments about a new woman in your life. Here's one to start: "I'm OK with that." It doesn't matter what ... it works for just about everything. Hope that helps. :)


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