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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Aug 19, 2009 23:45

Some of this is nearly English: Sentences in letters written to councils in the UK 1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow 2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has Backfired and burnt my knob off. 3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.. 4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away From the wall. 8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy. 11..I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12..The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is Cleared. 13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink. 14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road.. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much For me. 16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is Unsightly and dangerous. 17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it. 18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20..I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21..This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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SQUABBIT
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Posted on Wed, Sep 16, 2009 08:27

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+-year-old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. A skull and a set of jumper cables walk up to a bar. Bouncer: Not tonight, lads. Skull: Why not? Bouncer: Cause you're out of your head, and he's going to start something! Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


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SQUABBIT
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Posted on Wed, Sep 16, 2009 08:18

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you Vinnie


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Aug 26, 2009 18:01

Hi all, come on add yours here too for a laugh .... love to read them. xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Aug 26, 2009 17:59

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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sandra001
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Posted on Mon, Aug 24, 2009 19:54

Quoting: Originally posted by NellyElly
Thanks! i needed a good laugh


Agree



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sandra001
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Posted on Mon, Aug 24, 2009 19:52

Quoting: Originally posted by NellyElly
Thanks! i needed a good laugh


Agree



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NellyElly
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Posted on Fri, Aug 21, 2009 12:03

Thanks! i needed a good laugh


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