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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Jun 01, 2009 08:14

Hi to all you lovley people, it feels like I have been away a long time and do have to say that I have missed you all. :) I have been reading recent blogs on body image and how this may or may not define you and it brought up something I wanted to throw out there. When I look at most of my previous relationships in an attempt to understand them, understand myself and maybe future ones as well, I have looked at the fact that I had a limited selection of men to choose from. What I mean here is that due to my being what I consider beyond ample size I feel that the amount of men that are available to choose from are far less than someone that may be of average size. Now I dont know if this is true or not, just something I feel. Even now, when I go out to a club the percentage of men that may be interested in a larger woman I would say are something like 1% certainly not more than 3%. That does not allow for much selection, so how I am I meant to find that man that is perfect for me? I wonder about my previous relationships and if I got into them because they were available, more so than because they were right? I do know that a couple of them were with men that liked BBW's but this was more due their own issues and insecurities and this would show up as fear of my wanting to or attempting to lose weight. At one point I decided to that I would not date while I was still big and would wait till I had lost my weight and had a better selection to choose from, but dont know how wise that is considering I have been like this for more than 30 years? Argggh! I am still in the process of understanding how my weight has defined my choice in men and if this is my personal issue or something that is real and out there? What do you think? Has your weight affected who you have chosen to partner with? Do you feel that you had enough options or have you had to pick the best from what was available rather than what you really wanted? If you were your ideal body weight would you be going out with men that are different to the type you may be going out with now?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Jul 15, 2009 18:00

Quoting: Originally posted by islandgal64
Maybe there's a more positive side to this - it weeds out the shallow individuals just looking for a slim "trophy girl" and leaves us those who have more of an interest in the complete person. Aaah who am I trying to kid?? LOL!

LOL Islandgal, wouldnt mind so much if this were true, though might have to change the my age bracket for men to between 65 to 105? he he Sometimes I think its only when their bodies start falling apart and they want someone to love them as a complete person that they mature on this. Not all men of course ... but damn too many of them :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Jul 15, 2009 17:52

Quoting: Originally posted by bigrigger55
i have been fat all my life ,it has never bothered me i always said if i can't get a man then i would do something about it ...It has never stopped me .It is suprising how many men love big women .IF I WATCH CALORIES I AM NOT BEING ME IT MAKES ME MISERABLE .I went online 6 months ago thousands of messages ,most of who i had to tell go buy porn mag and use your typing hand for your own personal use !!! All nothing to look at ,then went on bbw sites i was astounded at the gorgeous men that love big women compared to the skinny ugly ones on "thin" sites . I am a big rig driver ,one day i was in the quarry ,when a driver drove past me in his side window was written "NO DOGS OR FAT BIRDS "!!!! fortunately i was sat waiting when he came back down and went into canteen .....i walked down pushed door open and there was maybe 30 men in there I SHOUTED "WHO IS THE GUY IN HERE THAT WOULD NOT HELP IF I WAS BROKEN DOWN BECAUSE I'M FAT ??? I WAS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT HIM .HE WENT RED AS BEETROOT ,I LEANED OVER THE TABLE AND SAID "DON'T YOU EVER LOOK IN A MIRROR FELLA ,YOU ONE OF UGLIEST FACES IVE EVER SEEN (AND HE DID ) I CAN DIET WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR FACE APART FROM SOME SERIOUS PLASTIC SURGERY " I TURNED ROUND AND SHOUTED LOOKING AT THE DOOR "CAN SOMEONE GIVE MY ASS A KICK HERE I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE WALL DOWN SO I CAN GET BACK OUT """" the men fell about laughing and cheering .Have confidence in who you are inside ,be yourself stop looking in the mirror and pulling yourself apart ,I am 16 stone and if man only want me for looks then that's a man NOT WORTH HAVING .When it say's in an add love keeping fit ,climbing walking etc i say i'm right along there with you IN MY MIND !!! my doctor bless him says Jilly you need to exercise ,i say i am in a minute WHEN I "BRISKLY" walk out to my car !!!! Have fun ladies ,laughter is the most attractive feature for men and women alike .Live each day like it your last because one day it will be ...Say you can't climb EVEREST but damn i had fun climing that MOLE HILL YESTERDAY !!!!!!


Hey Bigrigger thanks for your comment, like your style. :) I think as a bigger woman in the "normal" shaped world we all cope with things differently. Some of us become bold and in your face a bit ( like me) and other tend to hide in the corner. I have always been considered by others as out there and confident, tough this was at times an act, my way of protection. I have never has a shortage of men in my life as my relationship history would show, but I have had a shortage of being able to be selective. Now what i mean by that is that my choices have been limited by the fact that there are less men who like bigger women, or who are willing to admit it to themselves or others. This has restricted my growth in being able to recognise what qualities I like in one man compared to another. Sure there has been times where I have had selection but having 2 dead beats to choose from (for example) will still only leave you with a dead beat. My world has changed greatly in the last couple of years, and I now have 10x the selection I used to have, and I am learning that I really did not know what it was that I wanted in a man, and so have so many times settled on what was available.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Wed, Jul 15, 2009 17:34

Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla

We are going to solve our issue here !? well we can try anyway.

I had to reply to this one, I have had similar dates and now I wonder if my self doubt and insecure behavior actually push a man such as this one, away. Do I do things to cause this man to re-think things that he saw in me that I squashed?? Did I put up a wall that felt? Did I seem ambiguous? uninterested?

I've pondered this one for ages.? Thoughts? Comments??

Nat

?

Oz Wrote:

For example, I had a coffee date a couple of days ago with a man that had contacted me online, and we had chatted briefy. We met and this man in my eyes is perfect. Good looking, great communicator, charming, respectful, is an engineer, has his own winery and is a proffessional musican. I was nearly drooling. LOL

Now during our date he was telling lots of things that most women would like to hear. Wonderful! Though in my head I could not believe a man such as him would be interested in me. Now I know logically that is not true and that I have lots to offer etc... but I could not get the doubt out of my mind.

Now what a change that is from the confident and assertive woman that I believe myself to be? How much of this is ingrained in my thinking that all logic disappears? Does have me wonder how I have selected previous partners and if I have ruined potenially good ones with this sort of self doubt?



Hey Nat I have solved many an issue on here, with all the lovely folks helping, so I am all for giving it my best shot. :) I do know when I looked at my behaviour on this date, that I was different, not as maybe witty, confident or flirty as I could be (only my opinion here) and really I seemed to go and this other woman took her place. After the date I thought what the hell was that about and it shook me in the awareness that all is not handled with me as I had thought. I have had to deeply look at this for I have met someone that I feel is really special and in 3 weeks and over 100 hours of chats I am now desperate to actually meet him. BUT .... this man to me is similar or actually better than my "fall apart date man" and I have had to look at these issues within me, for I dont want this one to fall apart as well. Now logically I know who I am and what I have to offer, and for this man to have given me so much time, shows that he likes who I am as well. Though those nagging seeds of doubt do come in and threaten to over shadow. We should be having our first date this weekend and I somehow have to get my mindset right on this, to make sure that this does not happen again. Maybe the trick is to use a nothing to lose type attitude and where HE has to prove why he is worthy of me??? Aha ... I think I might be onto something here? What do you think?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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islandgal64
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Posted on Sun, Jul 12, 2009 00:36

Maybe there's a more positive side to this - it weeds out the shallow individuals just looking for a slim "trophy girl" and leaves us those who have more of an interest in the complete person. Aaah who am I trying to kid?? LOL!


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Jul 10, 2009 23:03

Quoting: Originally posted by xxJenJenxx
I have just joined this site and was browsing when i stumbled upon ur blogs i think u r an insperastion to any woman who has weight issues, u have certainly inspired me and touched on so many points that have affected my life.. Keep up the good work.


Thamk you Jen.Jen what a lovely thing for you to say. I have been on here for a while and have lerned many things from just the proccess of online dating as well as all the wonderful people here that love to share views and thoughts with others. I am honoured to think that I have in some way also helped another with their journey and have to say you made my day. :) Recently I have had thoughts about writing a book and putting in all the wonderful things I have learned and gained, but right for now, everyone here will just have to put up with me for a bit longer. he he Thanks again and do hope you have fun on your journey and it brings you all that you desire. xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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bigrigger55
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Posted on Fri, Jul 10, 2009 02:59

Quoting: Originally posted by ozredhead62
Damn Nat, its going to take me 5 parts to go over some of the points you have made here! LOL ok will have to make this part (A) ...... Ok I have to admit that at the moment I have for whatever reason been blessed with a "men-u". Now I have never been short of male attention but never something like this. Now these are mainly good quality men, though I still get the sex jerks and scammers, but not as much as I used to. I like you have tweaked my profile and pics and things are changing. Now the process of getting more confident has been gradual and due to part of this process. Now in all this new found confidence I have found some interesting things. I still generally dont make the first contact, unless its on a BBW dating site, but even then rarely. I have got so accustomed to being rejected in the past due to my wedight that I am happy to select from those that have first selected me. Now in all of this is an element of that I like to be chased, but I know that it is not the main reason. When I read mens profile I too look at if they will fit into my life, but also if I can fit into thiers? If a man has some activity that he has listed as loving that I kmow I cant do as a larger woman, then I wont go any further. Now haveing my "men-u" has given me enourmous confidence int he knowledge that there is more out there, lots more, and that I am not bound to selection from a a couple of maybe not so well matched men. It has allowed me to become more selective and with all of this there have been better quality men comming in my life. Now I know I am learing lots from this and count my blessings that it is occuring, but I still have the knowledge that in many ways I have lots more to learn about this. For example, I had a coffee date a couple of days ago with a man that had contacted me online, and we had chatted briefy. We met and this man in my eyes is perfect. Good looking, great communicator, charming, respectful, is an engineer, has his own winery and is a proffessional musican. I was nearly drooling. LOL Now during our date he was telling lots of things that most women would like to hear. Wonderful! Though in my head I could not believe a man such as him would be interested in me. Now I know logically that is not true and that I have lots to offer etc... but I could not get the doubt out of my mind. Now what a change that is from the confident and assertive woman that I believe myself to be? How much of this is ingrained in my thinking that all logic disappears? Does have me wonder how I have selected previous partners and if I have ruined potenially good ones with this sort of self doubt? On to part (B) LOL :)


i have been fat all my life ,it has never bothered me i always said if i can't get a man then i would do something about it ...It has never stopped me .It is suprising how many men love big women .IF I WATCH CALORIES I AM NOT BEING ME IT MAKES ME MISERABLE .I went online 6 months ago thousands of messages ,most of who i had to tell go buy porn mag and use your typing hand for your own personal use !!! All nothing to look at ,then went on bbw sites i was astounded at the gorgeous men that love big women compared to the skinny ugly ones on "thin" sites . I am a big rig driver ,one day i was in the quarry ,when a driver drove past me in his side window was written "NO DOGS OR FAT BIRDS "!!!! fortunately i was sat waiting when he came back down and went into canteen .....i walked down pushed door open and there was maybe 30 men in there I SHOUTED "WHO IS THE GUY IN HERE THAT WOULD NOT HELP IF I WAS BROKEN DOWN BECAUSE I'M FAT ??? I WAS LOOKING STRAIGHT AT HIM .HE WENT RED AS BEETROOT ,I LEANED OVER THE TABLE AND SAID "DON'T YOU EVER LOOK IN A MIRROR FELLA ,YOU ONE OF UGLIEST FACES IVE EVER SEEN (AND HE DID ) I CAN DIET WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR FACE APART FROM SOME SERIOUS PLASTIC SURGERY " I TURNED ROUND AND SHOUTED LOOKING AT THE DOOR "CAN SOMEONE GIVE MY ASS A KICK HERE I THINK YOU NEED TO TAKE WALL DOWN SO I CAN GET BACK OUT """" the men fell about laughing and cheering .Have confidence in who you are inside ,be yourself stop looking in the mirror and pulling yourself apart ,I am 16 stone and if man only want me for looks then that's a man NOT WORTH HAVING .When it say's in an add love keeping fit ,climbing walking etc i say i'm right along there with you IN MY MIND !!! my doctor bless him says Jilly you need to exercise ,i say i am in a minute WHEN I "BRISKLY" walk out to my car !!!! Have fun ladies ,laughter is the most attractive feature for men and women alike .Live each day like it your last because one day it will be ...Say you can't climb EVEREST but damn i had fun climing that MOLE HILL YESTERDAY !!!!!!

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aimeefla
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Posted on Mon, Jul 06, 2009 05:21

We are going to solve our issue here !¿ well we can try anyway.

I had to reply to this one, I have had similar dates and now I wonder if my self doubt and insecure behavior actually push a man such as this one, away. Do I do things to cause this man to re-think things that he saw in me that I squashed?¿ Did I put up a wall that felt? Did I seem ambiguous? uninterested?

I've pondered this one for ages.¿ Thoughts? Comments?¿

Nat

¿

Oz Wrote:

For example, I had a coffee date a couple of days ago with a man that had contacted me online, and we had chatted briefy. We met and this man in my eyes is perfect. Good looking, great communicator, charming, respectful, is an engineer, has his own winery and is a proffessional musican. I was nearly drooling. LOL

Now during our date he was telling lots of things that most women would like to hear. Wonderful! Though in my head I could not believe a man such as him would be interested in me. Now I know logically that is not true and that I have lots to offer etc... but I could not get the doubt out of my mind.

Now what a change that is from the confident and assertive woman that I believe myself to be? How much of this is ingrained in my thinking that all logic disappears? Does have me wonder how I have selected previous partners and if I have ruined potenially good ones with this sort of self doubt?



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xxJenJenxx
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Posted on Mon, Jul 06, 2009 04:31

I have just joined this site and was browsing when i stumbled upon ur blogs i think u r an insperastion to any woman who has weight issues, u have certainly inspired me and touched on so many points that have affected my life.. Keep up the good work.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Jun 23, 2009 08:52

Quoting: Originally posted by Katwoman1968
Thank you Oz, It was a wonderful day for us. I will post pics as soon as I download them to my computer. I love the new pic also!!


Oh Kat, so wonderful to hear that your day was lovely and yes would love to hear more and see the pics when you have a little time. wink wink LOL


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Jun 23, 2009 08:50

Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla

Hi Oz,? Part 2 ( 3 might be comeing later as this is a multi-faceted topic)

When there are a few men, at the same time, I rever to them as a "men-u".?

I still contend that when we were younger most of our circle was single, more men in the pool, more women in the pool. I've changed my profile many times because I'm curious as to what sort of men will reply to a specific type of profile. I've learned that if I'm insecure in a profile I will attract men that are younger, married or seperated. I don't want to lump all of them into a group that feels they can "use" a heavier women, but.... they are out there nonetheless.

I do think the more confident the profiles "sounds" the better.

If I read the male profiles, I do tend to look at the pictures and then read profiles to find a man that I think would "fit into my lifestyle"? Which I think is wrong also. I'm then putting him into a box.?

I know I've gotten more attention from men, at this time i my life, than in the past eight years. No clue why, mabye you're right, maybe it's the confidence that I now have that was just not coming to the surface before.? Is youth really wasted on the young?? LOL LOL

I've evolved to be who I am now. I've stepped over a threshold, at 60, into a more confident women that won't just accept. Now I tell someone that I won't be a "sometime gal" I want to be THE all the time gal in his life. If that does not work for him then he needs to move on.? In the past I would accept that, now no.


I'm a survivor of being molested as a teenager, it was a neighbor.? I also put on weight as a shield to protect me from anyone doing that again. He would whisper in my ear that I was stunning and his wife was a "fat pig".? I, eventually, realized that he was really the pig. But everytime I attempt to shed/disgard weight something inside me panics and I put it on. So I've not attempted to disgard any weight. ( when you lose something you have intentions of finding it again, disgarding is something you deliberately to never have that things again, right? )

So, back to the topic, wieght - affecting my choice in men. I think it's more my weight, body style, self image,self condifence and the programming from my past that come together to forge a focused decision on who I am attracted to and why.

My preference for a man is gauged by how he treats me over a long period of time. How I feel the first time I meet him.? How he responds to me the first time we set eyes on each other.

I've talked to many singles, thin, medium, curvy,I get the same responses from the thin friends that I do here. It seems to boil down to self esteem and self confidence.? If you show how confident you are, if you really live that confidence and make it your's you will attract someone that finds that a very attractive attribute. Body size has little to do with it after that.?

I was told by a guy,not long ago, that if he saw me in a store he would never talk to me at all, even if he knew I was single. I asked him why, he said I was just too pretty. He thouight that I would be innudated with male attention.? I was shocked at how utterly superficial that attitude was.? Thoughts on that one?NOT thoughts on looks but thoughts on why men see the more superficial and pass us by.? I was blessed with good genes, but could be a miserable peson under the pretty face.? Not even taking the time to find out shocked me. Do men really think that way?

?

Nat



Ok part (B) I am sorry to hear that you had to endure being molested as a young child and I do understand as I was too. I am glad that you had that realization that he was the pig, but usually by then a whole heap of damage is already done. It is interesting that many (though maybe not all) over weight people seem to have endured some sort of trauma in their childhood. Turning to food for comfort or protection. I too thought that being unatractive would protect me from all the men that that seemed to find me that way, and who wanted me to do all those things with them. Of course it did not work anyway, but it became my comfort and protection anyway. Now I don understand that you guage a man .. well really on how he makes you feel ... but as my example in part (A) I still wonder if we stop ourseves anyway. I can understand how he feels as I would not have contacted that very spunky man myself, and even after he did I questioned why? I would have thought he had lots of female attention? Why contact me? I have men who I have agreed to talk to thank me for doing so! When I ask them why, they say similar things that about appearance. So I do think its about confidence and body image, and also about who you think you are good enough for? Do wonder if its not so much being superficial as to feeling worthy? I know I have great qualities and can be not too bad on the eye, I am confident in many areas of my life as a woman, but do I still believe I am not worthy of what I consider a prize catch? Now I dont want anyone reading this to think that I that all prize catches have to look or sound like I described, this is just my jumbled thoughts trying to unravel the next very important stage of my growth. :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Jun 23, 2009 08:31

Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla

Hi Oz,? Part 2 ( 3 might be comeing later as this is a multi-faceted topic)

When there are a few men, at the same time, I rever to them as a "men-u".?

I still contend that when we were younger most of our circle was single, more men in the pool, more women in the pool. I've changed my profile many times because I'm curious as to what sort of men will reply to a specific type of profile. I've learned that if I'm insecure in a profile I will attract men that are younger, married or seperated. I don't want to lump all of them into a group that feels they can "use" a heavier women, but.... they are out there nonetheless.

I do think the more confident the profiles "sounds" the better.

If I read the male profiles, I do tend to look at the pictures and then read profiles to find a man that I think would "fit into my lifestyle"? Which I think is wrong also. I'm then putting him into a box.?

I know I've gotten more attention from men, at this time i my life, than in the past eight years. No clue why, mabye you're right, maybe it's the confidence that I now have that was just not coming to the surface before.? Is youth really wasted on the young?? LOL LOL

I've evolved to be who I am now. I've stepped over a threshold, at 60, into a more confident women that won't just accept. Now I tell someone that I won't be a "sometime gal" I want to be THE all the time gal in his life. If that does not work for him then he needs to move on.? In the past I would accept that, now no.


I'm a survivor of being molested as a teenager, it was a neighbor.? I also put on weight as a shield to protect me from anyone doing that again. He would whisper in my ear that I was stunning and his wife was a "fat pig".? I, eventually, realized that he was really the pig. But everytime I attempt to shed/disgard weight something inside me panics and I put it on. So I've not attempted to disgard any weight. ( when you lose something you have intentions of finding it again, disgarding is something you deliberately to never have that things again, right? )

So, back to the topic, wieght - affecting my choice in men. I think it's more my weight, body style, self image,self condifence and the programming from my past that come together to forge a focused decision on who I am attracted to and why.

My preference for a man is gauged by how he treats me over a long period of time. How I feel the first time I meet him.? How he responds to me the first time we set eyes on each other.

I've talked to many singles, thin, medium, curvy,I get the same responses from the thin friends that I do here. It seems to boil down to self esteem and self confidence.? If you show how confident you are, if you really live that confidence and make it your's you will attract someone that finds that a very attractive attribute. Body size has little to do with it after that.?

I was told by a guy,not long ago, that if he saw me in a store he would never talk to me at all, even if he knew I was single. I asked him why, he said I was just too pretty. He thouight that I would be innudated with male attention.? I was shocked at how utterly superficial that attitude was.? Thoughts on that one?NOT thoughts on looks but thoughts on why men see the more superficial and pass us by.? I was blessed with good genes, but could be a miserable peson under the pretty face.? Not even taking the time to find out shocked me. Do men really think that way?

?

Nat



Damn Nat, its going to take me 5 parts to go over some of the points you have made here! LOL ok will have to make this part (A) ...... Ok I have to admit that at the moment I have for whatever reason been blessed with a "men-u". Now I have never been short of male attention but never something like this. Now these are mainly good quality men, though I still get the sex jerks and scammers, but not as much as I used to. I like you have tweaked my profile and pics and things are changing. Now the process of getting more confident has been gradual and due to part of this process. Now in all this new found confidence I have found some interesting things. I still generally dont make the first contact, unless its on a BBW dating site, but even then rarely. I have got so accustomed to being rejected in the past due to my wedight that I am happy to select from those that have first selected me. Now in all of this is an element of that I like to be chased, but I know that it is not the main reason. When I read mens profile I too look at if they will fit into my life, but also if I can fit into thiers? If a man has some activity that he has listed as loving that I kmow I cant do as a larger woman, then I wont go any further. Now haveing my "men-u" has given me enourmous confidence int he knowledge that there is more out there, lots more, and that I am not bound to selection from a a couple of maybe not so well matched men. It has allowed me to become more selective and with all of this there have been better quality men comming in my life. Now I know I am learing lots from this and count my blessings that it is occuring, but I still have the knowledge that in many ways I have lots more to learn about this. For example, I had a coffee date a couple of days ago with a man that had contacted me online, and we had chatted briefy. We met and this man in my eyes is perfect. Good looking, great communicator, charming, respectful, is an engineer, has his own winery and is a proffessional musican. I was nearly drooling. LOL Now during our date he was telling lots of things that most women would like to hear. Wonderful! Though in my head I could not believe a man such as him would be interested in me. Now I know logically that is not true and that I have lots to offer etc... but I could not get the doubt out of my mind. Now what a change that is from the confident and assertive woman that I believe myself to be? How much of this is ingrained in my thinking that all logic disappears? Does have me wonder how I have selected previous partners and if I have ruined potenially good ones with this sort of self doubt? On to part (B) LOL :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Katwoman1968
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Posted on Mon, Jun 15, 2009 10:42

Quoting: Originally posted by ozredhead62
OMG Katwoman, I will remember you when looking for someone to keep a secret! Married in 3 days!!!, probably already happened by the time you read this? So let me congratulate you once again, and yes we all want to see the wedding photos. :) Thank you for your encouragement, it can get a bit hard to believe that the right one for you is out there somewhere. Hope your special day is beautiful and brings you all the joy you deserve. xx


Thank you Oz, It was a wonderful day for us. I will post pics as soon as I download them to my computer. I love the new pic also!!


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Jun 12, 2009 05:11

Quoting: Originally posted by Katwoman1968
Hi Oz, Thank you....I know I've been holding back on the information department...LOL....my family said the same thing. We actually met online but on another website. We are getting married on June 12th....3 more days. I'm very excited. So many changes for me lately. I've lived in my small town for my whole 41 years and will also be moving to a bigger city....little nervous about that but there are more opportunities for his job than there are here. As far as settling in the future....PLEASE PLEASE DON'T....there is no reason you or any other person on this site should ever settle like I did in the past. It may take days, weeks, years to find the right one but you will be happy when you do....and in the meantime you can enjoy meeting new people!!!


OMG Katwoman, I will remember you when looking for someone to keep a secret! Married in 3 days!!!, probably already happened by the time you read this? So let me congratulate you once again, and yes we all want to see the wedding photos. :) Thank you for your encouragement, it can get a bit hard to believe that the right one for you is out there somewhere. Hope your special day is beautiful and brings you all the joy you deserve. xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Katwoman1968
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Posted on Tue, Jun 09, 2009 12:22

Hi Oz, Thank you....I know I've been holding back on the information department...LOL....my family said the same thing. We actually met online but on another website. We are getting married on June 12th....3 more days. I'm very excited. So many changes for me lately. I've lived in my small town for my whole 41 years and will also be moving to a bigger city....little nervous about that but there are more opportunities for his job than there are here. As far as settling in the future....PLEASE PLEASE DON'T....there is no reason you or any other person on this site should ever settle like I did in the past. It may take days, weeks, years to find the right one but you will be happy when you do....and in the meantime you can enjoy meeting new people!!!


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Jun 08, 2009 05:00

Quoting: Originally posted by PlayfulMermaid
First I would like to thank you for raising such a wonderful discussion piece. Here's my whole thinking on the issue at hand. We are all designed to be different and unique. In my case I am an incest survivor. And I started gaining weight as a tool to protect myself...it defined who I was. It wasn't until I started pushing 500 lbs that I started getting worried. When my abuse died, something incredible happened....my weight started coming off. I've lost over 200 lbs and here is my thoughts on your subject... Big, small, tall, short if we were all suppose to be blue skinned at 5'7 then we would be. Yet this is not the case. I think it's all emotional and psychologically driven. We need to love ourselves first before we can even venture into loving another. And I can assure you that skinny people end up divorced. Size plays nothing in the role of finding the right partner...what does play in the role is your concept of yourself. So my suggestion is to start loving yourself, figure out who you are and what you like and then start searching for love in the right places. Am I ever going to be thin, I hope not! I love my body and I'm grateful for everything that I've been given even the difficult journeys I've been on...it's make me a remarkable human being! So if you get nothing from my message I hope you leave loving yourself because YOU are worth it! M.


Thanks you PlayfulMermaid for your comments. Firstly I want to applaude you for sharing what I can only imagine would be a very difficult and personal thing to go through. Your attitude is a testiment that you have risen above it all and gained much in the process. Oh, and well done on the weight loss! :) I agree that how you view yourself is the main driving force .. well in everything, but still am not so sure that your size does not limit you in your choices? Sure skinny people end up in divorce as well, and the reasons are probably very similar to those of us who are plus size. I am certain that they would have all sort of issues that they deal with as well in regards to body image and confidence. Now in saying that, I know that if I was an average body size, not considered overweight or obese, that the amount of men that I would have to choose from would at least tripple if not more. So how you choose a partner can be from the view of how you think and feel about yourself but also what choice is available to you as a plus size woman/man. My weight does define me in some ways, I know that I dont respond to a profile where they say that they love to do things like water sking, or rock climbing or anything that I know as a plus size woman I cant do. This alone affects who I would choose as a partner. I have travelled a long road myself and do love who I am and what I have to offer, but still think that my size has had and does have an effect on my choice in partners.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Sun, Jun 07, 2009 05:49

Hi Oz,¿ Part 2 ( 3 might be comeing later as this is a multi-faceted topic)

When there are a few men, at the same time, I rever to them as a "men-u".¿

I still contend that when we were younger most of our circle was single, more men in the pool, more women in the pool. I've changed my profile many times because I'm curious as to what sort of men will reply to a specific type of profile. I've learned that if I'm insecure in a profile I will attract men that are younger, married or seperated. I don't want to lump all of them into a group that feels they can "use" a heavier women, but.... they are out there nonetheless.

I do think the more confident the profiles "sounds" the better.

If I read the male profiles, I do tend to look at the pictures and then read profiles to find a man that I think would "fit into my lifestyle"¿ Which I think is wrong also. I'm then putting him into a box.¿

I know I've gotten more attention from men, at this time i my life, than in the past eight years. No clue why, mabye you're right, maybe it's the confidence that I now have that was just not coming to the surface before.¿ Is youth really wasted on the young?¿ LOL LOL

I've evolved to be who I am now. I've stepped over a threshold, at 60, into a more confident women that won't just accept. Now I tell someone that I won't be a "sometime gal" I want to be THE all the time gal in his life. If that does not work for him then he needs to move on.¿ In the past I would accept that, now no.


I'm a survivor of being molested as a teenager, it was a neighbor.¿ I also put on weight as a shield to protect me from anyone doing that again. He would whisper in my ear that I was stunning and his wife was a "fat pig".¿ I, eventually, realized that he was really the pig. But everytime I attempt to shed/disgard weight something inside me panics and I put it on. So I've not attempted to disgard any weight. ( when you lose something you have intentions of finding it again, disgarding is something you deliberately to never have that things again, right? )

So, back to the topic, wieght - affecting my choice in men. I think it's more my weight, body style, self image,self condifence and the programming from my past that come together to forge a focused decision on who I am attracted to and why.

My preference for a man is gauged by how he treats me over a long period of time. How I feel the first time I meet him.¿ How he responds to me the first time we set eyes on each other.

I've talked to many singles, thin, medium, curvy,I get the same responses from the thin friends that I do here. It seems to boil down to self esteem and self confidence.¿ If you show how confident you are, if you really live that confidence and make it your's you will attract someone that finds that a very attractive attribute. Body size has little to do with it after that.¿

I was told by a guy,not long ago, that if he saw me in a store he would never talk to me at all, even if he knew I was single. I asked him why, he said I was just too pretty. He thouight that I would be innudated with male attention.¿ I was shocked at how utterly superficial that attitude was.¿ Thoughts on that one?NOT thoughts on looks but thoughts on why men see the more superficial and pass us by.¿ I was blessed with good genes, but could be a miserable peson under the pretty face.¿ Not even taking the time to find out shocked me. Do men really think that way?

¿

Nat



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 06, 2009 16:08

Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla

OZ Wrote: "Even now, when I go out to a club the percentage of men that may be interested in a larger woman I would say are something like 1% certainly not more than 3%."

Nat Replies:¿ I have given your entire topic much thought and many many journal pages over the past years. I've come to a few conclusions.

1] I'm 60 now, when I was 20 more men were single. Now there are not as many men who are single, regadless of size.¿ So the "pool' is smaller for everyone.¿

2] The number of men that like BBW's and the men that have evoved enough to learn about a women from intide out and know that body size is not the be all and end all, is a smaller percentage. Just by virtue of age groups.

3] At 20 I attracted only a few men. I think kat hit the nail on the head, it's confidence. When I was 20 I did not exude confidence, I do now. Hard to show that in a picture but a good written profile helps.

I was "normal" size back then in my "other life" It did not last that long. My ex was never heavy and loved me always. Size was not why we split up.

I simple have learned that the "pool" is smaller at this stage of my life. The number of men looking is smaller. Regardless of the number of pictures on here, not all are really looking for a relationship, not all are active members, some have found someone and never taken their profile off the site. I'd love to know how many members are really actuve here. Maybe 200?¿ 150 being women???

The older I get the smaller the selection, the same for the men.

I have more to say but I must get to the store¿ :-)¿ To be continued

¿

Natalie



LOL Nat, I will respond to this part 1 of your comments and cant wait to see what else you were going to add. :) I dont know if agree with you about being less men out there? Well I certainly have had more male attention in say 6 months than I had all my life. Now I must admit that what I am talking about is just having the attention and not qualifying if they are after a relationship or not. I find my selection from the ones available seems to be larger as I have some younger and older ones to choose from that were not available to me in the past. There are the younger men who have had children and dont want more and are open to a relationship with an older woman. The ones my age that have all different situations, and then of course those older. Now maybe they were all out there all along and I did not notice, but I dont think so. I now have what I call a selection, though not as much as someone that is what I consider "normal" size but still more than I know how to handle or do with. I do wonder if like you mention is to do with confidence or attitude? Do we send off signals that are picked up by men that make us more attractive when we are confident? Why the hell could I not have had this when I was in my 20's ? Till part 2 .... :) xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 06, 2009 15:48

Quoting: Originally posted by butterbll
Well I hate to say Weight does effect the choices Us guys make also.If they are willing to admit it. I will In My case admit it.In my case,I was ready to settle down. However A "Normal sized " would not even give me a second look.So when a Large woman gave me attention I was hooked like a Trout.I was reeled in by one who did not have my best interests at heart. I did not realize this till It was too late , because I was Afraid of not being loved Again by any one.I turned a blind eye to her severe emotional/mental problems for a long time.Problems that otheres plainly saw, yet I could not see.By the time I wised up too late. I had kids, was severely in debt(Over 120 thousand ) was working three jobs,(two were full time)I also had A bad stress reaction from it.I had destroyed my GI Bill(Education Fund) trying to not go in to bankruptcy.Yet It still happened.So weight does cloud us guys choices too.


Oh Butterbll, what a sad story you tell here, but one that I am sure is not that uncommon. I would think that weight would affect the BHM as well, though I do wonder if it is a little bit different? I am not a male so your insight would be great. :) Am I wrong in thinking that women are not as superficial in regards to male looks as men tend to be with women? Am I just seeing things from the eyes of a BBW who knows the importance of giving people a go, looking past their physical attibutes? I know that attraction has a big part to play in all of it and we all like something different, but I have not heard women give their friends a hard time (as males can do) because they are dating someone that is a plus size. How much does confidence play in it all. I have seen men that were quite large with lovely women on their arms, is this a rare occurance do you think? You are now losing your weight (well done) are you finding things different now, are woman that maybe would not have looked at you before showing interest, and if so, is this because you may be more confident now than you were before?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 06, 2009 15:36

Quoting: Originally posted by Katwoman1968
For me in my first marriage I definitely settled because I thought I could not get anyone better because of my weight. In the end that didn't work well and I lost 10 years of my life. When I got a divorce I suddenly became much more confident....more than I had ever been in my life. This new confidence seemd to attract men to me more. I became engaed 2 weeks ago to a wonderful man....a doctor whom I have so much in common with....he loves me just the way I am. I knew after a marriage of 10 years that was horrible that I would NEVER settle again. I knew the exact qualities I wanted in a man....and I took alot of time to find him. Good luck to all!


OH WOW Katwoman .... Congratulations!!!!! You are a quite one! That is wonderful news ... did you meet him from here/dating site or out in the real world? I do have to agree with you about the confidence thing. I too have found as I am settling into my skin, so to speak, and becoming more confident in who I am and what I have to offer that this is attracting way more male attention than I have ever had. In many ways this has brought all these questions, wondering if and how much I have settled in the past and how much if at all I should in the future? I think this is very interesting and do wonder if we get those men that we think we deserve? Anyway cheers again to your good news, have you guys set a date as yet?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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