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Am I Being Prudish? Sort by:
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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, May 01, 2009 22:04

I really need your opinions and experiences on this dilemma that I find myself in. I have been seeing/dating a very nice man for a few weeks now. We have spent quite a bit of time together both on the phone and in person and I suppose are starting to become a bit more serious with each other. He is gentle, articulate, educated, witty, sensual, artistic, very attentive and cute in a bohemian sort of way. We got on well from the first day we spoke online and despite some differences I can not deny that we are good together. What else could I want right? In the early days of getting to know each other he told me that he smoked dope, but at the time I thought he meant occasional recreational use. It turns out that I assumed wrong. He smokes a little bit every day, and from what I can tell has been doing so for many years. Now I can say that he has never appeared stoned to me, even though I know he has smoked, just before and even while he was with me. He is responsible with his money, kids and full time work and does not appear any different even after he has had a smoke. Now it is not for me to say what is right for people, but I have been down that road and decided that it was not something I wanted or needed in my life. I have not smoked in over 20 years and have no intention of doing so again. I do have some friends that do smoke, and some that take other recreational drugs, but usually not when they are with me. Now I find myself in not knowing what to do here? Wondering if I am prudish in regards to this situation? I dont feel I can nor want to ask him to stop, but do feel concerned about progressing this relationship along. I have smeared the boundaries in allowing him to smoke while with me, at first not realising, as he smokes home made cigarettes, but even after I knew, just thinking this was one of those occasional times. Having had one long term relationship with a binge drinker who slowly changed as his drinking increased, I guess it really has me concerned. How should I tackle this when I talk to him about it? Can some people smoke long term without it really affecting them, mentally or emotionally? Should I take this as a sign of him not being able to cope with life? Is this relationship doomed or am I just being prudish?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sat, Jun 06, 2009 14:13

Though its time for an update and I do appreciate you all sharing here with me. Well I am still seeing this man and things are still going well overall. I do have to say that I have not seen anything that I should be concerned about but do know that this issue is something that is sitting and smouldering in the background, impeeding progress. I have not put this issue forward with him, I guess I want to observe him without him being alerted to this. Though maybe I have been more obvious than I thought, as he commented the other day that my main issue with him is his "smoking". Now I will have to say that he must be quite observant because I have not done or said anything that I thought would show my disapproval/concern, but he picked it up anyway. We did not have a lot of time to talk about it, but I did tell him my concerns and found out that he does not smoke around his kids. Now that the issue is out there, I guess we will have more discussions about it. Your comments did make me think about another wonderful man that I dated for about 5 months, he would drink everyday. Just 2 to 4 beers but it was still every day. Now this man is intelligent, funny successful and responsible, and I was willing to accept this about him, though it too did give me some concerns as well. Thoug how different these 2 habits hare I dont know, ecept for the fact that one is legal? They both have the potential to get ugly but it does not mean that they will. If I accepted drinking then should I not be as accepting of pot smoking? I would not ask anyone to give their habit up, as only the person can make that choice is themselves, and I would not like for anyone to ask me to stop smoking in order for them to keep seeing me. I guess it will all come down to further discussions on how he feels about this habit and if he has any intentions of stopping himself and if I can see this as part of my future? Usually I wont even meet amyone that is into any form of drugs, and it is usually one of my first set of questions that get asked, but some how I missed it with this guy and have gotten to know and like him a lot. Now one question that has not been addressed here is .... Does someone that takes drugs or drinks daily have unresolved issues that makes them need this sort of habit to handle life? What do you guys think?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Cherrycoke47
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Posted on Fri, Jun 05, 2009 13:18

Always go with your gut! You already knew that.Do not depend on virtual advice on something that could be life altering.


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petale46
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Posted on Sun, May 17, 2009 07:47

You all know me. I'm never shy to make my opinion known... even if it's opposite to everyone else. In Quebec, nobody gets arrested for simple possession of marijuana. I wouldn't say people advertise their smoking habit, but it's something people will talk about in conversation with friends. The government is talking about legalisation but at the same time it's taking it's sweet time with it. Before anyone says I have a vested interest in being for it, I'm not a regular user of the said plant, but will admit to having tried it in my own home. I would say we need to temper our words here... it's all a question of individual responsibility. I read things about death and hard drugs... but it can happen to people who don't smoke pot. I read it's comparable to alcoholism. Drinking a glass of wine everyday is actually good for you. For some people that habit creates alcoholism, for others it does not. It's a question of individual responds. Countries where pot is legalized still run smoothly, without things being total chaos and people dying left and right. Actually according to the statistics there are a little less drug addictions in those countries then in ours. As for kids... very personal opinion here, my personal story. It's common in a lot of french families to start drinking wine at early age. I started drinking wine on occasion with a meal and cut with water when I was 12, then I had my first glass of uncut wine when I was about 14. 15 or 16 at Christmas, I would be allowed a glass of champagne. No one in my family has a problem with alcohol because we were made in contact with it early on. Alcohol was never something to look forward to be able to do or made cool and desirable. Alcohol was something like desert, it's nice every once in a while, but you don't over do it and you don't do it all the time. It wasn't forbidden so it wasn't attractive to us. I don't know how many kids dig face first in alcohol as soon as they are in legal age, because they been waiting for years... it's that forbidden fruit now being allowed. I never went through drinking binge and going crazy with it like I see on movies and very few of my friends ever did, but then again, they started drinking around the family table and were made in contact with alcohol at an earlier age. My point is, judge his actions, not the fact that he smokes. If he's responsible at his work, in his life... take that into consideration. If he's been doing it for 10 years or more, the chances that he'll go for harsher drugs are very slim... not at his age. If you want to know what it will do to your kids, ask his. His kids know more then anyone else will tell you how it feels. Did they turn out fine, are they all drug addicts... Take all these factors into consideration, think about it and make your call once you have all the information. As a larger people, we all have self medicated with food in the past, I wouldn't judge his way any worse then ours. Actually obesity has proven to be much worse in the long term. Being overweight put so much stress on your organs and shortens your life... pot doesn't do as much damage. Let's say he's willing to give up pot as long as you give up your own bad life threatening habit (and it hasn't been proven that a mild consumption of pot, even regular, is life threatening.) Would you give up cigarettes and had eating habits for him???


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aimeefla
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Posted on Sat, May 16, 2009 05:24

If you are with someone, if you're going to think about a future with this person they you and he have every right to say what you want to deal with in a life forged for each other.

If you had a habit that was offensive to him, would he ask you to stop? If it was dangerous to you?


His smoking is dangerous to you, it puts you in danger on many levels. being arrested is one, in a horrible traffic accident is another, ultimate death.

You don't know the real person who is not on dope, his system is full of it right now. He might be someone very different when he's clean.¿ You might not like that person.

¿

I did not read all of the posts, so if someone said this, I second it.

¿

It is for you to make up your mind, but we love you here.

¿

Natalie Florida

¿

¿

¿

Ozred wrote: "...Now it is not for me to say what is right for people, but I have been down that road and decided that it was not something I wanted or needed in my life. I have not smoked in over 20 years and have no intention of doing so again."



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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Fri, May 15, 2009 20:38

I think there are a couple of things about this type of habit. 1) It is still illegal just about everywhere. You have children at home (I think?). If you wound up in a serious relationship with this man you could be putting your family at risk with the law should this man be caught with his drugs (especially in your home). 2) He may be functioning well in spite of having lit up, but this type of habit is no different than a functioning alcoholic. They may hide their impairment well, but they are still impaired when they are using. He has an addiction. I'm not putting him down for it. Many of us have our addictions. Mine is food. But it is something to you need to consider if you can live with. I'm a bit late on this and it sounds like you have already made up your mind. Give us an update? Good luck Oz.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, May 11, 2009 18:07

Thanks for all your comments and best wishes.xx I do have to say that most of the advice I have had so far from here and from others; is not positive and though it does seem that some people can do this long term, it still seems to have a negative effect on most. I dont think I am willing to take the risk on this and all the other complications that can occur. The hard part here is even if I ask him to stop and he agreed (which I dont think he will) I dont know if I could trust him on this, this is such a big part of his life. Think I need to go look at my list of what I want in a man (yes I have one lol) and define this part clearly .. and see what the universe brings. :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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butterbll
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Posted on Fri, May 08, 2009 19:01

I personally feel Cannibus for Lejitimit medical reasons is Acceptable when prescribed by a doctor.However "Recreational" use I feel is not acceptable. One reason I disaprove It Is illegal for one.


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Posted on Tue, May 05, 2009 11:45

When I met my ex, he to said he "smoked a little". Turned out too be a bit more than a little, with his drug habit slowly declining into harder stuff. It took him several years to finally admit that he had a problem, then several more years after that to fully "with draw". His personality was always bordering on the insecure/insensitive but it undoubtly has left him ten times worse. I don't think that you are being prudish at all. Something has set your mind to thinking, and personally if alarm bells are tolling, listen to them. I do hope you are well otherwise yourself. Take care for now, WH


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smoosh
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Posted on Mon, May 04, 2009 19:26

I don't think being a prude has anything to do with this. You simply misunderstood the "use" and you are concerned and care enough to address it and better now than later as it affects you and your children as well as him (and his children) on how you deal with it before things turn more serious. I have no expereince personally with this but I will liken to anything one indulges in - you eventually need more to get the same buzz. My addiction is food but it isn't illegal. It's not healthy but it's still not the same as smoking, 2nd hand smoke, experimenting with stronger drugs and being under the influence. Not an easy decision but your whole future lies ahead of you and your family. Take care Oz.


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Qadesh
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Posted on Mon, May 04, 2009 19:05

Ok I see that most people on here are against smoking pot. Are you all going to tell me that you are under the Clinton fallacy that no one inhaled? lol Where was everyone during the 70's? Come on now let's be real....Nicotine is a drug that has been established as being harmful to one's health, yet it is still being done. All the studies that have been done on that topic are readily available to everyone. I believe that the studies done on pot have been skewed to meet with the conservative views of this country. I know for a fact that a man I took care of who had bowel cancer got more relief from smoking a joint than he did with 75mgs of IM Demerol. It eased his pain as well as his nausea. As for being a gateway drug I believe that has to do with each person's constitution. Humans rarely do anything in moderation. I have yet to meet anyone that has had mental issues with long term usage. I say to each their own, and we all pick our poisons....what's every one else's? Qadesh


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LoveLife
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Posted on Mon, May 04, 2009 09:28

Oz you asked if his use can stay the same? I have worked in addictions and yes he may only ever use pot but remember pot is also a drug its not just a cigarette. ¿Many serious mental health symtoms can appear in apparently mentally healthy people when they are using...But long term heavy use is much more likely to produce these symptoms on an oingoing basis. Don't underestimate what this drug can do or who you may end up dealing with because of it. ¿Just go in with your eyes open.



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ozredhead62
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Posted on Sun, May 03, 2009 09:26

Thanks for your comments and good wishes, I was wondering if this was just my issue? I do smoke cigarettes myself and do understand what its like to have a destructive addiction like that, and would hate to find a partner who got with me knowing that, then asked me to stop. I was also hoping for some comments from people that have personal expierence either themselves or someone they know, as to the long term effects of this sort of habit. I mean if he has been doing this for many years without any obvious effects, then is it destined to get worse or could he stay the same?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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butterbll
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Posted on Sun, May 03, 2009 07:01

You are not being Prudish.Stick to your morals.As others have stated MJ use can lead to a slippery slope to other harder drugs. What hapens If he gets some weed that had been laced with another drug to enhance the high like PCP,Cryastal Meth Exastacy or Formaldahyde (Embalming fluid)? If you have told him how you feel about MJ (negatively?) and he still uses.Pardon the pun Let the relationship go Up in smoke. You don't need the hassel of a An Ilegal drug user.I mean what happens if together out on a date in your car you both get pulled over and he has Vast amounts ( over just a few rolled joints) of weed on him in your car? You could be veiwed as a,drug user,Drug runner or a Drug dealer.Or what If he owes a Dealer money.The dealer happens to follow you present partner while you both out on a date with him? Drug dealers commonly use Physcial violence to a drug user's family and freinds as a tool to get their monies owed to them or as a polite "Warning" to others not to cross them.In some cases a drug arrest can cause one to lose a security clearance for you job ,or the whole job. If you Bull Exhaust Radar keeps going off, Listen to It.You Deserve Better!!


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islandgal64
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Posted on Sat, May 02, 2009 23:54

Oz you are soooo far from being prudish! Smoking is such a contentious issue on its own - for many folk, myself included, a person who smokes is a complete no go area when it comes to dating. Chuck in the use of illicit substances and you have yourself an even bigger issue to address. You can only do what is right for you; will you get more or less tolerant as time goes on? Will the guy's addictive personality lead him to increase his use or even look for other substances to get his kicks when the small amount of dope stops "helping" him? Hope you manage to sort things out - good luck!


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LoveLife
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Posted on Sat, May 02, 2009 15:07

You should take it seriously because it obviously deeply concerns you. ¿People say oh well its just pot. Its not just pot....Pot use can and does alter personality. Your not being prudish or judgemental your being true to yourself. Its ok to say its not ok with you!!!!!¿



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