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petale46
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Posted on Sun, Feb 15, 2009 08:28

On my blog Mad as hell, Angel brought up something that made me want to do a blog on it. So if you don't like this blog... talk to her... LOL

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I was raised by a mother who lived for her kids, husband and people around. It was her purpose in life. She would never think of herself. One of the conversation I remember vividly was her telling me how she was able to scrape money here and there to live us an inheritance. We knew then she had about a year to live. I almost screamed at her. I told her that the money she sacrificed herself for, wouldn't make a big difference split in 14 members in the family and all living comfortably.? I told her that whatever amount I would inherit wasn't worth knowing that I got that money because she sacrificed until the day she died. I ask her why she was doing this. Her answer won't surprise anyone... She did out of love. I told her... Mom, I don't want your money. Use it for yourself. The best inheritance you can give me is to teach me by example, that I should think about myself also.

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I believe there are several reasons why women do romantic, nurturing, nice things for every person that surrounds them, making herself come last.??I'd like to hear what you think those reasons are????



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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Tue, Feb 17, 2009 15:19

Quoting: Originally posted by truefriendinme
For Bluegirl (and anyone else who is a Psychology buff): Cognitive behavioral therapy/ positive reinforcement. Yes, it works. If you have the patience to dedicate to it. Personally, I would expect a grown man to be on time, MOST of the time. :) --True


Trust True to use psychology terms. :P But you're right and I wasn't specifically referring to men - I have a few girlfriends who are basically wonderful people but somehow don't quite get some of the general rules of common courtesy. That late thing was just an example and one I've never had to deal with but thought most people could relate to. I actually don't need to ignore the "bad behavior" part with my fiance because I don't get that from him. He's really a thoughtful partner overall. But I DO most emphatically positively reinforce things that I like. If he does something that I especially like, whether it is something he has said, or some romantic gesture or ANYTHING that I find especially to my liking I make sure to tell him how very much I do like it. Because when he knows I like something - and I have reinforced it with my words and my tone - he is almost guaranteed to repeat it.


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Tue, Feb 17, 2009 15:11

Quoting: Originally posted by petale46

Bluegirl

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I do get what you are saying and do the same to boyfriends (when I have one). I actually got that trick years and years ago the first time I went to a?dog trainer for my husky dog.? I saw the wisdom in it and just transposed it to boyfriends... Aren't human mammels in the animal kingdom... hehehehehe?

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I wasn't asking so much about things like that, more like what pushes women to do things for kids and husband, forgetting themselves.??? Did we get that image of the sacrificing saint from example of women before us.? Aren't mother suppose to think of everyone else but themselves.? Why do we do that.? Is it that no one else would??? It is to show them our love??? Is it cultural conditionnement acquired from the day we are born??? Why do we have so little time, effort and pleasure for ourselves from ourselves but we find it for anyone else.? I know behaviour are changing, women might not do it as much as they use to, but I believe it's still there.



Ah well. That one is easy. It is called co-dependence.


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petale46
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Posted on Tue, Feb 17, 2009 00:26

Truefriendinme

¿

God women, I am... hehehehehehehe

¿

Hey... it works on dogs and it doesn't requires that much effort of time, so why not apply it to men.¿ I do understand.¿ When I get into a relationship I do expect that he's been raised properly and that he's¿domesticated.¿ But sometimes you discover things that you can't stand AFTER you are involved with the man.¿ For example, does he or doesn't he take the¿toilet¿seat down.¿¿You don't discover that little piece of info during dating , as they¿usually they are on their best behaviour to conquer you.¿ That's when positive reinforcement is needed, for the surprises that are not deal breakers once you're already in love with the guy but that you wish he would do or stop doing.¿ LOL



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truefriendinme
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Posted on Mon, Feb 16, 2009 21:36

For Bluegirl (and anyone else who is a Psychology buff): Cognitive behavioral therapy/ positive reinforcement. Yes, it works. If you have the patience to dedicate to it. Personally, I would expect a grown man to be on time, MOST of the time. :) --True


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petale46
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Posted on Mon, Feb 16, 2009 20:04

Bluegirl

¿

I do get what you are saying and do the same to boyfriends (when I have one). I actually got that trick years and years ago the first time I went to a¿dog trainer for my husky dog.¿ I saw the wisdom in it and just transposed it to boyfriends... Aren't human mammels in the animal kingdom... hehehehehe¿

¿

I wasn't asking so much about things like that, more like what pushes women to do things for kids and husband, forgetting themselves.¿¿¿ Did we get that image of the sacrificing saint from example of women before us.¿ Aren't mother suppose to think of everyone else but themselves.¿ Why do we do that.¿ Is it that no one else would??¿ It is to show them our love??¿ Is it cultural conditionnement acquired from the day we are born??¿ Why do we have so little time, effort and pleasure for ourselves from ourselves but we find it for anyone else.¿ I know behaviour are changing, women might not do it as much as they use to, but I believe it's still there.



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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Mon, Feb 16, 2009 06:17

I wrote this whole long blog entry about why I do what I do and why others do what they do - I could write a book. I'm a frustrated social worker at heart. :) But then I decided you all wouldn't be interested in that. There are enough books out there for you to read on this subject. So I will just say this. I've found the parenting rule of catching your child (or partner or any other person in your life) doing something good and rewarding that good behavior, while ignoring bad behavior, works in the adult world as well. If you tell someone that you really like something they have done or it makes you happy when they do a certain something they WILL repeat it. People generally like pleasing others. When my partner does something I like I make sure to tell him how much I like it. Then he tends to repeat it which makes me happy - and then he is happy that he made me happy. See? Although with us I generally don't have to ignore much in the way of bad behavior because he's really very very good to me, but it does help to let him know what he does that I really like. ;) For example: Your loved one is late 9 times out of 10. Ignore the 9 even though you are irritated to no end. But on that 10th time sincerely say "wow, I really love that you arrived here when you said you would" and give them a beaming smile - maybe even a kiss if it feels appropriate. (Don't do it sarcastically or it won't work!!) You would be surprised to find that if you do that every time they please you they will try to please you more and more often. And for those of you that might be thinking this is manipulative its really not. All it is is sincerely expressing appreciation for effort and who doesn't want to be sincerely appreciated?


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