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petale46
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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 07:40

Ok guys. I'm questionning a move I've made. I met someone outside LF. (Guys on LF won't talk to me... *pout*. LOL) We exchange emails then start conversations. We talk 5 or 6 hours a day for 4 days. He chats from the office, says his computer at home is too old to support internet. So no contact weeknights and weekends (first flag up... that smell married man all over.)

We talk about everything and anything... conversation is flowing incredibly well even argumenting is fun. We get along like two peas in a pod. But two things bother me. He's very guarded with information and he tends to fly off at the handles. A joke that is misunderstood and he says it's over. Hate that kind of emotional blackmail.

Now here's the biggy to me. I ask him if I could phone him some night (I have skype, no cost), he says he's not ready. Day after I ask for a picture because the one on LF is from afar. At first he jokes around, sending me funny pictures, I insist. Then he sends the same picture as LF asking me if I'm happy I got what I wanted. I said no, I'd like another picture, thinking he's still joking. He tells me he doesn't like that game, I'm shocked. I email him, saying he's overreacting, that I was keeping the kidding he started up. Exchange several emails. In the end he says he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do and that he needs more time.

I tell him he's right... he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want to do and neither should I. No picture, no phone call, no reassurance for me of any kind is a deal breaker. He doesn't show he cares if I'm in or out. Kind of admits he has overreacted, doesn't apologize or seem to even regret it. At one point, I've offered to give him my phone number, there would be no risk to him as he could hide his number. Even that he said no. He says he's scared, of what? I don't know he never answered. Told him a phone call at night from home would at least calm by doubt that he's married... The answer is still no. He says the problem his my inability to accept he needs time. So I ask him to stop writing me.

He still denies he's married, but I still have the feeling he's hiding something from me. So here's the reason for this blog. Everyone that has read me knows I'm blunt, impatient and somewhat not the "I'll wait for you forever type". Did I rush my decision?? Should I have given him, or still give him more time?? Yes 4 days is not long... but 30 hours of conversation is more then a month dating and he won't even give me a phone call. Am I too quick to judge here or did I draw the wrong conclusions??



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tauntingdiser
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Posted on Fri, Feb 20, 2009 21:24

i say drop him too he does'nt sound very truthfull.


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petale46
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Posted on Wed, Feb 18, 2009 22:01

Smooch

¿

Actually profile gone.? He says it's my fault he got kicked out, but as I didn't do anything I guess he took it down and has probably a new one.??I don't have much, except the name David.? He said he lived in Washington State, but his profile said Vegas.? That's about all I have because in the end his whole profile was a lie, location, work, education, even his astrological sign was a lie.¿ Can you believe a guy lying to that extent?¿ I couldn't!!



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smoosh
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Posted on Wed, Feb 18, 2009 15:42

So are you going to warn blogland about the possible player or let him hang himself with the next not so vulnerable or vulnerable female?


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petale46
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Posted on Mon, Feb 16, 2009 20:13

Hey Misty.

¿

It's done, he's drop... he has been since before I wrote the blog, which wasn't so much about him as it was about me.¿ I sometimes worry that I come across as a real hard bitch to guys... a dominating, black and white, hard as nail woman.¿ I'm not that, and I'd hate to be perceived as such.¿ So I was just checking if I was to quick in judging the guy.¿ But there are so many reason I see that would have made things horribly wrong, his temper to start with and his inability to open up.¿ Wouldn't mesh with me.¿ I'm not like that.¿

¿

I wrote the blog to see if women around here, which opinion I trust wholeheartedly, would have told me I reacted to quickly, was too harsh in my decision, had doubts that were in my mind only.¿ None said that.¿ So it must be that it wasn't just in my suspicious mind. hehehehe

¿

Thank you Ch¿re.



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truefriendinme
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Posted on Mon, Feb 16, 2009 09:04

Drop him. You are spending waaayyyy too much time analyzing what he says in chat-mode. It's not worth the effort or stress. HE'S not worth it. Drop him. Love to you...--Misty


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petale46
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Posted on Sun, Feb 15, 2009 22:40

Smooch, Nat!!!

¿

Honestly, there's nothing to move on from.¿ To need to do so would mean I was involved.¿ I have to admit being amused as he's a great conversationalist and looking for the potential that might be there, but really, nothing more.¿ I'm not hurt or even sad.I should be use to it and yet I¿shouldn't have to¿get use to dishonesty.¿ Why do they do it so often and in such great numbers.¿ I swear, I've met more lyers online then guys who were telling the truth.



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petale46
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Posted on Sun, Feb 15, 2009 07:11

Bluegirl

¿

You're right... he might not be¿married. Maybe he has erectile disfunction, or he's a single father with 19 kids. LOL He could be in jail or part of the Witness Protection Program... (Oh... this is fun) Maybe he's an alien trying to pass as a human and imitating the behaviour of a lot of men online... hehehehehe.

¿

Joking aside... in the end, it would have been much easier, as soon as I said I had doubts, to come clean with the truth. I can take the truth, I can understand the truth. Leave me in the dark... That I don't understand and won't accept.



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petale46
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Posted on Sun, Feb 15, 2009 06:35

Thank you all.

¿

You all pretty much came to the same conclusion I did.? I hope he's reading this blog (as I told him to) and will see I'm not the only one that can spot a player. He's gone... Good ridance.

¿

I guess my pride is more hurt then anything else. I was wrong in my judgment of him. I thought he was a man, ended up being a weasel. The thing is, I trusted him from the first moment, like I always do with any contact I make and I will trust the next man the exact same way. In my mind to do otherwise would be making the next man pay for what this one did and it would be unfair.

¿

That being said, I'm trusting until proved otherwise. I give him the rope and he choses if he's going to use it to hang himself or tie me to him... (hum... kinky LOL) When flags come up, and they come up pretty fast usually, I start asking questions. If he gets confused in his answers, or if he's distant and not forthecoming, then a little of the trust is chipped away, then a little more until the moment I don't trust he's telling me the truth (like this guy) and I cannot be with someone I don't trust.? No point in that.

¿

So far it works for me, because I look for the flags and things unfold quite fast. I don't have time to get emotionnally involved and get hurt when I discover he's a weasel.¿ I guess I'll never know what he was hiding, but hey... one of another life's mystery.



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smoosh
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Posted on Sun, Feb 15, 2009 06:19

Petale, You know the answer to this one. You are so strong and offer advice in your informative blogs - go with the gut - he's not available and he has a temper - it's not what you want - no attention is worth it. (no matter what his hesitation is whether it is married, in a relationship, previously hurt, had kids, disfigured/disabled or just plain human and taking it slow. Takes two to tango. Chin up girlfriend and move on.


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petale46
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Posted on Sat, Feb 14, 2009 06:11

Deva115

I think that's actually what bothers me the most, not knowing if my doubts were founded or not. Did I see things where there weren't any. But then, I only have those doubts because from personnal and friends experiences, men that aren't available weeknights or week ends are most of the time married and lying about it. My biggest thing is that, at least in the end, I wish he would have been honest and come out with the truth.



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petale46
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Posted on Sat, Feb 14, 2009 06:09

Curvygirl

That's the thing. He wasn't ready. Ready for what??? A phone call?? What's to be ready for. I don't get that. If you are ready to talk online, aren't you just as ready to talk over the phone. I mean, we've touched almost every topic in the book, hearing my voice shouldn't be something to get ready for or fear. If there is a real interest, most men don't need to be ready and they want to contact you, any way they can... EXCEPT if their wife, just by being in his life, makes that impossible.

I needed confirmation, not because I think I'm wrong about the decision I made. You are right I don't want to be with someone who uses emotional blackmail by being out the door at the first missunderstanding. Not for me thank you. I wanted opinions, because I'm so use to this kind of behaviour that I'm afraid I'm jaded and reading things where there are none. So far, two comments, and both are saying those were valid doubts.

I'm sorry you have to go through that dance. I've set a rule for myself, I know it won't help you now, but maybe for future reference. I try, as much as possible, to keep my heart or emotions out until I meet them face to face. I will intellectualize a connection until that moment. That means, yes it's nice and go with that, but it might not be real, it might not be real, it might not be real. LOL

Sometimes the connection is great on paper (or screen) then you meet the physical presence and it's the biggest anticlimax you've ever felt.



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aimeefla
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Posted on Sat, Feb 14, 2009 04:30

Hi Petal, You're right, he's either married or in a bad co-habitation. He's sneaking around for sure. Good riddance to bad rubbish. You're first red flag said it all. Talk is cheap - action speak louder than words always. Move along towards the new chapter and put this one in the shredder. Nat


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huskerwithheart
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Posted on Sat, Feb 14, 2009 03:48

Wave good-bye to the BOY! You don't need head games, and the guilt trips now are not a good sign of what a relationship would be like. Why try and go forward with something and put all the effort into for nothing but lies, or withholdings perse. If nothing else think of it this way...his honesty level can't be that high if you have talked with him that much in 4 days while he is working..because he can't be getting much work done..which means he is ripping off his boss.


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Posted on Sat, Feb 14, 2009 03:21

HI Petale,

I suspect your suspicions are right. I mean, maybe he is just 'not ready' but I have to say when they only contact you at work, then there is probably a reason he cannot involve his home computer.

Plus, do you really want someone who 'blows his stack' at you every time he gets upset? That's just controlling, and it isn't nice.

If you wanted to keep in touch with him as an amusing friend, that would be one thing. But even then I bet his wife or partner would be annoyed and hurt.

I think he's one of the married but looking guys, sorry...

I am having similar doubts about someone I just met too. Everything is going so well, we are making plans to meet. But a week and a half ago he gave me his number. We used to chat in yahoo and he would frequently be on mobile. Now he is NEVER on mobile, and when I call him it always go to voicemail, so we have never talked.

Plus, he now has no weekend internet access so the emails are fewer and farther behind.

The difference for me is I am now emotionally involved, and I am finding it difficult to stop contacting him. I haven't issued any ultimatums or anything, but I am starting to feel something bad is ahead.

I think if you can get out earlier it's better, but I completely understand your struggle.

For me, I am so used to being rejected I sort of expect it, so I am trying to hang in there a little longer to wait and see.



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magsplus
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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 23:55

Listen to your heart, take a deep breath and RUN. You have been warned. This man is not open to a relationship. He is playing games with you. You don't need it. There are many wonderful men in the world - you won't meet them while you are stuffing around with this one. It makes me wonder what his work is ifhe can be talking to you for six hours a day.

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butterbll
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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 19:50

Sounds like he was a player and you Shut his game down.


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 16:09

I agree he's hiding something. There is definitely something he is not ready for you to know. But I'm not sure what it is. It COULD be that he's married. Or it could be something else, like maybe he is disabled, feels he is ugly so he is using someone else's photo, or he's incredibly introverted and doesn't express himself well verbally, or maybe he has a huge stutter, or even that he's financially really hurting and can't afford a phone - maybe he doesn't even have a home computer. You are the only one who can decide if he MIGHT be worth spending the time to really get to know which would require being patient enough to figure out what it is he doesn't want you to know about yet.


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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 15:52

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I think at the point that you have even the slightest doubt or turn off - That is your sign that he is not the one for you and things will only get worse. One thing I have learned, mostly from all of you, is that if a man wants to do something, or share something with you he will. This stuff about "I'm not ready" sounds like a game to me. I agree with your feeling that he has something to hide. I think it was right for you to ask for his photo. I remeber in May of last year I got a very nice email from a man, introducing himself to me and wanting to get to know one another. He said in that email if I wanted a photo, just ask. Well We get to chatting and I ask for a photo. It doesn't mean I am shallow, but there is such a thing as physical and emotional chemistry and I wanted to see if I would find him attractive plus he had my most recent photo. In short, he got offended because I asked. He said why do people always want a phoot, why can't they just accept you as you are and he totally went into a little fit about it. Well, needless to say I cut it off right there and said "No, nevermind, that;s ok..I'm not interested in getting to know you....I know too much all ready.." After that he left me a message here and there - nice at first, then nasty and sarcastic. So, he's acting like a jerk and you deserve better. I agree that we can spend hours online chatting with someone and to us It equals signifigant time spent, after my own situation I think I not realize that it is not the same for men. To them it they act like " Well, I don't even know you". I wish you luck whatever you decide! P.S - The photo below is probably what he looks like - LOL...Smile and be thankful you dodged that bullet, he's wasted enough of your time already!

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deva115
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Posted on Fri, Feb 13, 2009 14:30

No Petale 46 I don't think you over reacted at all. It has been my experience that your gut instinct is usually right and you had this guy tagged from the start. It is always tempting to have your suspicions confirmed. You gave him every opportunity to dispel your fears about being married etc. and whilst I can understand his need for more time the other indicators that he was not what he seemed were overpowering.



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