I actually don't mind if he insists in paying.... but I always make it very clear that I will not feel any obligation to pay it back, monetarily or otherwise. The reason I don't mind is simple. I'm a great cook, I don't go to restaurant that often because I prefer to save my money for really good restaurant (usually pretty expensive) then spend money at the corner restaurant when I can do better at home.
For that reason, most of the time, during the courting period, we'll often have dinner at my place. I don't expect him to bring his food or pay for what I bought to make dinner. So I think it's a fair exchange. I'm not the type who slipts everything perfectly in two. I believe in exchange, not being taken advantage of, but in a more general sense without actually acounting for every cents paid.
But then, that's just me.
Hey Nat.
I actually don't mind if he insists in paying.... but I always make it very clear that I will not feel any obligation to pay it back, monetarily or otherwise. The reason I don't mind is simple. I'm a great cook, I don't go to restaurant that often because I prefer to save my money for really good restaurant (usually pretty expensive) then spend money at the corner restaurant when I can do better at home.
For that reason, most of the time, during the courting period, we'll often have dinner at my place. I don't expect him to bring his food or pay for what I bought to make dinner. So I think it's a fair exchange. I'm not the type who slipts everything perfectly in two. I believe in exchange, not being taken advantage of, but in a more general sense without actually acounting for every cents paid.
I found it interesting that you mentioned "the meal they pay for.." I know you were kidding but so many times I had gotten the impression that "something" is expected after the bill is paid.
I pay my way for the first date as I think it's a mutual agreement to meet. When I've been in relationships, in the past, costs are shared. Even in marriage costs are shared so why not when you're dating? Why is it always expected that the man pay the tab?
Nat
Quoting: Originally posted by petale46 Ozredhead
Honestly are you surprise. We always scare them. But then again, we are assuming that men know how to read and write. I'm not sure from the number of comments we get from men. Only one or two seem to know how or it's just that most of them don't have anything to say.
The dictionnary definition is nice, unfortunately we're dealing with peoples. I'd say women expect emotional return, while men expect something for the meal they paid for... hehehehehehe Just kidding.
Quoting petale46:
Ozredhead
Honestly are you surprise. We always scare them. But then again, we are assuming that men know how to read and write. I'm not sure from the number of comments we get from men. Only one or two seem to know how or it's just that most of them don't have anything to say.
The dictionnary definition is nice, unfortunately we're dealing with peoples. I'd say women expect emotional return, while men expect something for the meal they paid for... hehehehehehe Just kidding.
Hi Petale46
I found it interesting that you mentioned "the meal they pay for.." I know you were kidding but so many times I had gotten the impression that "something" is expected after the bill is paid.
I pay my way for the first date as I think it's a mutual agreement to meet. When I've been in relationships, in the past, costs are shared. Even in marriage costs are shared so why not when you're dating? Why is it always expected that the man pay the tab?
Honestly are you surprise. We always scare them. But then again, we are assuming that men know how to read and write. I'm not sure from the number of comments we get from men. Only one or two seem to know how or it's just that most of them don't have anything to say.
The dictionnary definition is nice, unfortunately we're dealing with peoples. I'd say women expect emotional return, while men expect something for the meal they paid for... hehehehehehe Just kidding.
Ozredhead
Honestly are you surprise. We always scare them. But then again, we are assuming that men know how to read and write. I'm not sure from the number of comments we get from men. Only one or two seem to know how or it's just that most of them don't have anything to say.
The dictionnary definition is nice, unfortunately we're dealing with peoples. I'd say women expect emotional return, while men expect something for the meal they paid for... hehehehehehe Just kidding.
I do think that the problem here may be the definition of the workd "investment" where some men may think that is a set return that is required.
¿
Here is a definition I got on line that perhaps expalins it more for me.
¿
the commitment of something other than money (time, energy, or effort) to a project with the expectation of some worthwhile result; "this job calls for the investment of some hard thinking"; "he made an emotional investment in the work"
When you find someone you like it worthe the effort for the potential return, whatever that return is for you.? Each of us have different things, good conversation, attention, sex, love and so on.
¿
Would have loved some men to have commented here, but it looks like we may have scared them all away???
Some great comments here, thanks to all.
I do think that the problem here may be the definition of the workd "investment" where some men may think that is a set return that is required.
¿
Here is a definition I got on line that perhaps expalins it more for me.
¿
the commitment of something other than money (time, energy, or effort) to a project with the expectation of some worthwhile result; "this job calls for the investment of some hard thinking"; "he made an emotional investment in the work"
When you find someone you like it worthe the effort for the potential return, whatever that return is for you.? Each of us have different things, good conversation, attention, sex, love and so on.
¿
Would have loved some men to have commented here, but it looks like we may have scared them all away???
Dating is a sort of investment, but I think some people might see the word investment as a little mercenary? The first few contacts or dates in RL are more of a sounding out period though. It's like window shopping, you might even try something on or go back a few times, but it isn't until you are 'in' a relationship that the investment starts. I define in a relationship as dating exclusively. Even chatting exclusively. Once you have declared that kind of comittment then you owe the other person your respect and loyalty. Anyone can bow out of a relationship, especially before things like marriage or engagement are discussed. But my big issue with it is this: don't string people along! If you aren't that into them, if you think "hey I really like, or even love this person but they aren't *the one*, TELL them. I have seen so many people invest their precious lifetime into someone who is halfhearted, and leaves them when they get struckk by the lightening bolt of true love. So yes, as well as time I invest my trust in a relationship. ¿ And I would say, if he/she isn't that into you, think carefully about settling. Second best is just that, second best, and I personally would rather be happy on my own. ¿
Dating is a sort of investment, but I think some people might see the word investment as a little mercenary?
The first few contacts or dates in RL are more of a sounding out period though. It's like window shopping, you might even try something on or go back a few times, but it isn't until you are 'in' a relationship that the investment starts.
I define in a relationship as dating exclusively. Even chatting exclusively. Once you have declared that kind of comittment then you owe the other person your respect and loyalty.
Anyone can bow out of a relationship, especially before things like marriage or engagement are discussed.
But my big issue with it is this: don't string people along! If you aren't that into them, if you think "hey I really like, or even love this person but they aren't *the one*, TELL them. I have seen so many people invest their precious lifetime into someone who is halfhearted, and leaves them when they get struckk by the lightening bolt of true love. So yes, as well as time I invest my trust in a relationship.
¿
And I would say, if he/she isn't that into you, think carefully about settling. Second best is just that, second best, and I personally would rather be happy on my own.
¿
Sorry, but I believe one aspect hasn't been touched in this question. YES!!! It is an investment one of trust. Whether for one date or a relationship, from the first contact you invest your trust in this person. You expect them to be what they say.
I go in open and trusting and I do expect a return on that trust. I expect the other person to be honest with me.
No white lies or lies of omission. Everything else to me is almost secondary. There are not very many things I expect returns on, not even on my financial investment these days... but on trust, you bet I do. If I can go in without lying, deceiving or telling half truth, then I expect the same in return.
Sorry, but I believe one aspect hasn't been touched in this question. YES!!! It is an investment one of trust. Whether for one date or a relationship, from the first contact you invest your trust in this person. You expect them to be what they say.
I go in open and trusting and I do expect a return on that trust. I expect the other person to be honest with me.
No white lies or lies of omission. Everything else to me is almost secondary. There are not very many things I expect returns on, not even on my financial investment these days... but on trust, you bet I do. If I can go in without lying, deceiving or telling half truth, then I expect the same in return.
Ok, now I have to say that there is a big difference between "dating" and a "relationship" in my mind. While I don't expect a ROI in dating I DO expect a ROI in a relationship.
To quote Will Smith when asked how he and Jada Pinkett-Smith make their marriage work he said "When divorce is not an option you find ways to work things out." or something to that effect.
There ARE legitimately times when divorce is necessary, my first marriage being one of those. Had I not divorced I would probably not be here to blog today - It was that bad for my mental health. And for all those who blog here that are divorced I'm sure your situations were truly situations that required divorce as a resolution - I'm not judging.
But too often in our society divorce is the easy option and people aren't willing to invest the time and work into making a marriage good. A good marriage with a partner who is willing to work with me through the bad times is the ROI I'm expecting for my investment in our relationship.
I'm lucky enough that I believe I've found it this time around. :)
Ok, now I have to say that there is a big difference between "dating" and a "relationship" in my mind. While I don't expect a ROI in dating I DO expect a ROI in a relationship.
To quote Will Smith when asked how he and Jada Pinkett-Smith make their marriage work he said "When divorce is not an option you find ways to work things out." or something to that effect.
There ARE legitimately times when divorce is necessary, my first marriage being one of those. Had I not divorced I would probably not be here to blog today - It was that bad for my mental health. And for all those who blog here that are divorced I'm sure your situations were truly situations that required divorce as a resolution - I'm not judging.
But too often in our society divorce is the easy option and people aren't willing to invest the time and work into making a marriage good. A good marriage with a partner who is willing to work with me through the bad times is the ROI I'm expecting for my investment in our relationship.
I'm lucky enough that I believe I've found it this time around. :)
Now I did not want to write what I was saying in the conversation, but it is basically what most of you have posted here. ¿ ¿ To me dating and getting to know someone is an investment, an investment of my time and energy and interest. ¿ ¿ ¿I¿do no expect a definable return but¿always get something back, whether its learning about people, myself or relationships. ¿ ¿ Men too (I feel) think of the time they give to women as an investment, and do expect some thing from it.¿ The most obvious of these are those men (some) that having paid for the dinner expect some sexual payments in return. ¿ ¿ ¿ I do think that some men and women do have set expectations of what they expect in return for their investment, and here lies the feeling of being pressured in a relationship if expectations are different. ¿ ¿ We all get some sort of return for our time and it is always different, from person to person.¿ If we are getting little back, even in the form of a¿bit enjoyable conversation, well then we just stop doing it. ¿ ¿ Thanks for your comments, would love to have some men share their thoughts on here too.
Now I did not want to write what I was saying in the conversation, but it is basically what most of you have posted here.
¿
¿ To me dating and getting to know someone is an investment, an investment of my time and energy and interest.
¿
¿
¿I¿do no expect a definable return but¿always get something back, whether its learning about people, myself or relationships.
¿
¿ Men too (I feel) think of the time they give to women as an investment, and do expect some thing from it.¿ The most obvious of these are those men (some) that having paid for the dinner expect some sexual payments in return.
¿
¿
¿ I do think that some men and women do have set expectations of what they expect in return for their investment, and here lies the feeling of being pressured in a relationship if expectations are different.
¿
¿ We all get some sort of return for our time and it is always different, from person to person.¿ If we are getting little back, even in the form of a¿bit enjoyable conversation, well then we just stop doing it.
¿
¿ Thanks for your comments, would love to have some men share their thoughts on here too.
In answer to your question....I do believe that I am bankrupt, overdrawn, or just plain broke then. I think that men also look at dating as an investment. Albeit the returns that we are all looking for can be quite different and or the same. Qadesh
In answer to your question....I do believe that I am bankrupt, overdrawn, or just plain broke then. I think that men also look at dating as an investment. Albeit the returns that we are all looking for can be quite different and or the same.
Qadesh
In response to Vegas' blog in August of '08, I wrote: "I figure my beneifts are more like a 401K retirement account. I put alot into it, and I expect to reap results for the long term. I want the best return for my investments and take a long time deciding where I want to put my pennies. I don't consider my benefits to be a "pay it forward" type thing. My accounts will not yield a return, unless I have invested a great deal in them, so to speak. I may be a bit of a prude now, and I might have to sacrifice with my contributions, seeing as how I could use those funds right now, but I think I will "know" when it's time to CASH IT ALL IN! (LOL!)"
Still rings true today... --True
In response to Vegas' blog in August of '08, I wrote: "I figure my beneifts are more like a 401K retirement account. I put alot into it, and I expect to reap results for the long term. I want the best return for my investments and take a long time deciding where I want to put my pennies. I don't consider my benefits to be a "pay it forward" type thing. My accounts will not yield a return, unless I have invested a great deal in them, so to speak. I may be a bit of a prude now, and I might have to sacrifice with my contributions, seeing as how I could use those funds right now, but I think I will "know" when it's time to CASH IT ALL IN! (LOL!)"
I don't see it as investment but as something I do because I want to. The motivation is the person ... and the chance to spend time together, have fun with them and get to know someone who I feel interested in and attracted to. It can be dissapointing if that doesn't lead to something deeper but, not everything does. I think relationships have a way of revealing themselves, and dating is being willing to see what it might be.
I don't see it as investment but as something I do because I want to.
The motivation is the person ... and the chance to spend time together, have fun with them and get to know someone who I feel interested in and attracted to.
It can be dissapointing if that doesn't lead to something deeper but, not everything does. I think relationships have a way of revealing themselves, and dating is being willing to see what it might be.
Back when I was in the dating scene I DID think of dating as an investment. But not in the way your friend means.
My goal was to find a compatible partner, therefore to meet my goal I had to make an "investment" of time and effort into searching for and meeting potential compatible people. The return on my investment was simply the meeting or having a date with a new person.
I never expected a return or payout from the man I met or dated. Anything that developed beyond a simple meeting (like a relationship or friendship) was pure bonus.
But maybe I'm not your average woman. I have very few expectations of people in general and just really love it that way because when the expectations aren't there people are always surprising me in really wonderful ways.
Back when I was in the dating scene I DID think of dating as an investment. But not in the way your friend means.
My goal was to find a compatible partner, therefore to meet my goal I had to make an "investment" of time and effort into searching for and meeting potential compatible people. The return on my investment was simply the meeting or having a date with a new person.
I never expected a return or payout from the man I met or dated. Anything that developed beyond a simple meeting (like a relationship or friendship) was pure bonus.
But maybe I'm not your average woman. I have very few expectations of people in general and just really love it that way because when the expectations aren't there people are always surprising me in really wonderful ways.
OZ wrote:"Do you consider the time you take to get to know someone or date someone as an investment?
If you do, then do you expect a return for your investment?
What type of return or payoff would that be?"
Nat Replies: Yes, I do consider it an investment, I invest my time. Since I don't know how much time I have left in this lifetime it's the most precious thing I can invest.
Return, yes, I want time and attention from a guy. If he can't, won't give me that in return then he's just not into me. ( Yes, I'm reading that book because I'll see the movie )
Once in a relationship I want respect, trust and fidelity. I think that these are major investments with major payouts, Love, devotion, companionship, partners through the good, wonderful, bumpy road of life.
Natalie
OZ wrote:"Do you consider the time you take to get to know someone or date someone as an investment?
If you do, then do you expect a return for your investment?
What type of return or payoff would that be?"
Nat Replies: Yes, I do consider it an investment, I invest my time. Since I don't know how much time I have left in this lifetime it's the most precious thing I can invest.
Return, yes, I want time and attention from a guy. If he can't, won't give me that in return then he's just not into me. ( Yes, I'm reading that book because I'll see the movie )
Once in a relationship I want respect, trust and fidelity. I think that these are major investments with major payouts, Love, devotion, companionship, partners through the good, wonderful, bumpy road of life.
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