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truefriendinme
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Posted on Mon, Jan 12, 2009 06:19

I am wondering how the people here feel about new relationships and their power to "distract". I have a friend whom I will call "James". I have corresponded with "James" for a while now, probaly over a year off and on. We have chatted about many, many things-- both personal and public. I like this person, though not as a romantic interest. I have considered it (as has he), but I am just not in a position to be committed to someone. So, anyway... "James" has (on several occasions) met other women and gotten "sucked in"-- for lack of a better term. Recently, he has met someone whom he is very much interested in, and I am happy for him. There is one catch, though. When he gets involved with a woman (this has happened three times in the last 8 months or so), he forgets he has friends. He doesn't return emails, and if he does, they are very short. He dives in head first, and I think--sometimes --forgets to breathe! While I am happy he is able to develop this kind of relationship, I worry about the suddenness of it. I feel he is worrying that he will not meet someone who will accept him for who he is (although he is a terrific guy), and that he latches on to prospective partners too quickly. "James" is a trusting person, and could easily be manipulated, I believe. What I would like to ask, though is, how many of you out there have friends like "James"? Friends who FORGET about you when they meet a mate? Friends who you have talked to for hours on end, for months on end, who all of a sudden fall off the face of the earth? Friends who, simply put, are NOT very good friends anymore? They get "sucked in". Would you keep dropping your friends like scalding water upon meeting that potential mate? I've felt like I was cast aside, like so much trash (again)...he did this the last time he met a woman, his ex, and another time for a very short time, but with no notice. He just got sucked into the vortex and disappeared! I understand that love is a pretty awesome find in this crappy world. I know that, but aren't your friends pretty awesome, too? --True


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petale46
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Posted on Sat, Feb 07, 2009 11:34

I believe one of the biggest difference between men and women is the need to share. If I get 'sucked in' as you say in a new relationship, I'll call everyone I know to discuss the whole thing. Just a date become news to my friends and most women I know are like that. I'm even closer to my friends when a relationship is new. Men are not like that. They put their attention on the new woman (or an old one revisited...) and become oblivious of everything else. My personal opinion is that they have a definition of frienship that is a bit different. I believe that men see frienship as unconditionnal when it a really deep frienship. Their assessment is that you'll be there when they come back because the dissapearing act is also part of friendship to them. A guy/guy friendship doesn't require as much sharing. That doesn't mean he's right in doing that. It just means you'll have to explain to him (once more probably) that you're a woman and the intricate concept of friendship for women. He's not thoughtless he just doesn't realize that acting that way hurts your feelings, because his aren't when his friends do the exact same thing.


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bbwchina
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Posted on Fri, Jan 16, 2009 06:09

Hi True, I have had this happen with a female friend of mine too, and it's strange, she just seen to GET it. We've talked about it and when I tell her how it makes me feel, she's feels awful and promises not to let it happen again, but inevitably it does. I don't understand it, but I have accepted it as just a part of who she is. I have even pointed out to her how when I was with my ex, that we included her in our lives and kept her as part of our "family" and though she says she wants to do that with me too, she doesn't. Oh well, just proves that we are not all alike!


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butterbll
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Posted on Thu, Jan 15, 2009 12:27

If it bothers you let him know .Because some times us guys are not the brightest when it comes to understanding and dealing with you ladies.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Jan 15, 2009 03:40

I am sorry to hear this True, and I can imagine it is hard for you to understand and you must feel hurt by it. It is funny how some people react to things that happen in life, and though I do not approve of your friend being like this, it does sound like he maybe cant help himself. This in some way reminds me of a friend that I had tbat had an addiction and could not stop it despite how he felt for those he was hurting. Maybe your friend is a bit like this and the "addiction" of the new relationship over takes all usual rational thought and manners? I dont know, just throwing my thoughts out there, but I think you have to decide if this friend is worth your friendship? My guess is if he is doing this, he is not. xx


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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smoosh
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Posted on Tue, Jan 13, 2009 15:56

Men and "women" are guilty of this....get caught up in the excitement - the rush - sometimes they need a reminder from their "friends" that they have been neglected and while you're always there (waiting) that you should not be taken for granted. Time flies when you're having fun.


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butterbll
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Posted on Tue, Jan 13, 2009 14:45

Hey you still got me as a freind. Hang in there. The best revenge aginst a worthless ex is to thrive whilst they crash to earth and burn. While sinking septic morass that the made themselves.


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magsplus
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Posted on Tue, Jan 13, 2009 00:32

You have to remember than men do not think about friends the same way as women. He may be a ver needy person and while you are filling the need its fine but then someone comes along and there is no 'need' left. You may want to tell him the truth that women know - look after your friends they are there forever. - even when your relationships are breaking up.


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