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ozredhead62
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Posted on Thu, Nov 27, 2008 04:37

OK all you lovely bloggers really want your opinion here. I was dating a really nice man over 12 months ago for about 2 months, who at the time said that he did not want a relationship with me, so we ended and moved on. Stayed friends though. Now he wants to try again. He says that now he can trust me and open up to me, which is something he would not do before. I think of him as a friend now, though back then would have liked to try for more. So can we go back, can what is now looked upon as a friendship be made into something more? Has anyone been in this type of situation before? What happened, did it work out?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Feb 27, 2009 17:08

Oh forgot to update you on all this one. :)

Well we had the date after another 2 false starts, we had drink, chatted, he was charming talkative and a gentleman. So far so good.

When he was taking me home he became more amorous and wanted to kiss and cuddle a bit. The kiss was sweet and nice but did not stir anything in me at all. Nothing!

To be honest I was a little surprised as I had liked this guy before. During the second kiss I had to stop it and tell him that it was not working for me, that whatever was there was now gone and that I wanted to stop.

He did try to handle me and even asked for another date, as spending more time would somehow handle this and I woud find these lost feeling.

Anyway guess sometimes you cant go back, and I should have trusted my instincts a bit better from the start as they were telling all I needed to know.

Thanks guys for all your advice, back to the drawing board as they say. Oz



Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Dec 05, 2008 06:00

Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla LOVE THE NEW PICTURE !!!! How did the date go ?? I have to agree -- this is familiar you wouldn't be giddy this time. That's a good thing !! Aimee

Thanks Aimee, you are too kind. Well the date was canceled by him, he had some family things to handle, and I have not heard from him for about 5 days now. Will let you know if it goes ahead. :)


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Dec 05, 2008 05:55

Quoting: Originally posted by 4funorlove i think you have picked up on a key point for yourself here- you are not the same person you were back then.. so is the possible "second time around" good for you? if the friendship isstrong and the sex is good ;-), then maybe its you that can lay out terms like that and ask him to take it or leave it on those terms good luck with the date- i wouldnt read anything into your lack of excitement about it - only familiarity

Good points here 4Fun:) I am not really sure if this is good for me and thus the hesitation. Though not sure if I agree that the lack of excitement is due to familiarity. Surely if I thought we would be good together I would be somewhat excited at the prospects of exploring this? Having now met some men that I feel a real strong connection and excitement with, well I do have to ask myself if I'm settling?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Wed, Dec 03, 2008 13:36

LOVE THE NEW PICTURE !!!! How did the date go ?? I have to agree -- this is familiar you wouldn't be giddy this time. That's a good thing !! Aimee


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4funorlove
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Posted on Wed, Dec 03, 2008 03:44

i think you have picked up on a key point for yourself here- you are not the same person you were back then.. so is the possible "second time around" good for you? if the friendship isstrong and the sex is good ;-), then maybe its you that can lay out terms like that and ask him to take it or leave it on those terms good luck with the date- i wouldnt read anything into your lack of excitement about it - only familiarity


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Mon, Dec 01, 2008 17:50

Well thanks for all your great comments and different issues you have brought up! Though I know that no one can make the decision for me your comments have made me look at this from many angles. Sometimes when you are sitting in the situation it is hard to see the thing that others can so easily see. There is more to this story, there always is, and I really wanted other viewpoints to make me look at these issues. I have refused this man's offer several times now, mainly for the reason that I do not feel I will have the sort of feeling that I should have towards my partner, and probably never did. His argument is that those feeling could not have been there as he was pulling back, so my evaluation of the situation is not correct. Though now I see that this is not the only issue, and as some of you have mentioned it is also a matter of trust, do I trust him? Not to mention that I think I have changed a great deal in this past year, and am not the same person I was even 12 months ago. Decisions are always hard to make , and I so so often wish I had a Crystal ball for the tough ones. LOL Well I have agreed to go on a date with him, for despite us staying friends we have not seen each other since about March. I guess I will know then, for I will either have some feeling manifest or not, and I will let this be the first gauge towards a decision of if I am willing to look at more. Though the fact that I am not really excited about us going on a date should be telling me things already?


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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aimeefla
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Posted on Sun, Nov 30, 2008 14:44

My message was not a "don't do it" message. When I re-read it, though, it does sound that way. I want to make it clearer. You are both different, the experience of a year has brought more enlightenment to each of you. The reasons he did not want to before might be something from his past, it's really for him to know. I'd want to know before I tried again. IF I had strong feelings for him. If he worked on things that were HIS to work out, Things he did not want to bring into a relationship with you? It's impossible to guess as there are so many scenerios. If you feel that you're always wonder "should I have?" then do it. Follow your gut as this is a personal life experience. A year can make a major difference in someone's life. Do you think he's worthy of you? Aimee


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islandgal64
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Posted on Sun, Nov 30, 2008 14:31

Oz, only you can decide what is right for you, but whichever option you choose, choose it for YOU, no-one else. If you decide to give it another go, remember you can call the shots and have the upper hand. Just go into it with your eyes open.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Sat, Nov 29, 2008 14:59

I don't think I would do it. I think I would try to do as Aimee suggested and maybe learn something from this. But I wouldn't go back. You dated him two months, which really isn't anywhere near enough time (in my book)to develop complete trust, and before you could even go anywhere with him, he put on the brakes? Why the sudden change of heart? What has happened in the one year to make him change his mind? Are you willing to take that risk? I don't think I could have dated someone for two months, remained friends after the breakup and then go back to dating, just because he was ready. It almost makes you wonder what he would have done had you moved on. Would he have fought for you? Would he have gone to any great lengths to convince you he is the one? Would he be willing to wait a year for YOU to be ready? For YOU to trust him? I'm betting "no". I think maybe I am jaded from my past experiences and quite possibly not really the best person to post an answer. But, sometimes cynicism can be helpful. --True


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Katwoman1968
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Posted on Sat, Nov 29, 2008 11:40

For me personally I couldn't go back. I would always wonder when the "bomb" would drop again and he might start to feel the way he did last time. Ultimately you have to look into your heart and ask yourself if this is someone you want to have in your life as more than a friend. Kris


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one2one
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Posted on Fri, Nov 28, 2008 23:14

I think, as others have mentioned, it depends on how sincere his intentions are to really invest himself this time. 'Trying again' if it didn't work the first time may not work a second time either unless he's looking at your relationship as one that could go the distance, and that's exactly what he wants. The second part, of course, is the question of what you want. xox


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smoosh
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Posted on Fri, Nov 28, 2008 21:31

You will never know unless you try and it will always be in the back of your mind. Go forward and tread softly and only expect what is being offered and only accept what you you want and have been missing to make the relationship more than friendship. Go on your own terms and be sure to question his. Oz - we seem to be at the same kind of stage at the same time. Be sure of what you want and try not to accept anything less. xo


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aimeefla
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Posted on Fri, Nov 28, 2008 15:16

Hi OZ, In my humble opinion, going back is not the right direction. Take from the past relationship what you'd like, remember what you feel went in the wrong direction. Now, after time you're both different from the experiences you've had during the estrangement/friendship. The reasons he felt he could not trust, could not open up might still be there but now he might be willing to do more. I had a similar situation, albeit we really did not stay friends. We tried a relationship twice. I "heard" different things than he meant. He would say that he'd never co-habitate with another woman. He said he'd never support another women. I heard that as "I don't want a commitment" he said it was meant for anyone but me. He never said it that way in my mind. I've come to find out that he's engaged to be married in 2009. Follow your gut and my one rule is to do things in such a way as to not allow me to have to think "should I have" or "what if I did" I try to explore important thing, such as this to find out when I have strong feelings about it. Keep us updated !! Aimee


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Posted on Fri, Nov 28, 2008 08:09

Hello Oz, Yes. I definitely think you can have a second shot to make it work. I think just the fact that people can get second chances to find love is a blessing. Perhaps we can all look at the past as "practice" for the real thing. Practice for the one who is truly worthy of having you.... I can appreciate the fact that he was honest with you in the past and did not jump into something he truly was not ready for. That would of only caused bad feelings and wasted your time and heart. I also think the best relationships have a strong friendship foundation. After all, our ideal mate is not only our lover and companion...they should also be our best friend. I wish you the best of luck, love and happiness always...

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luvu2licme4xs
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Posted on Fri, Nov 28, 2008 02:28

Hey Oz, thats a question that has been on my mind as well over the years. On a personal level I don't give second chances, I feel if it was meant to be than it would work out the first time around. I could be wrong, but who wants to go back to start and find out they are wrong once again. If you give this man a second chance just be very careful, the heart takes a long time to heal, good luck.


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Posted on Thu, Nov 27, 2008 14:40

Hi there oz! Yes this has happened to me before. Yes you can have this relationship go from friendship int osomething more. Sometimes us guys, speaking of my own relationships before, have to take some time to "heal" from a bad expierence, and also to "test the waters" to see what is there. The fact that you 2 remained friends is awesome. I also think, speaking again of my own person expierences, that some fellas like having friends, and then they see over time who'll be faithful and who is there for otherwise. So yes indeed move on, but remember to give this time to bloom into something beautiful that the 2 of you can really share and be even closer over time. Too many times, as with the 1 person that was in my life, things get to be too "pushy" or "Impatience" from one person or another, and they feel crowded and just need some breathing room. So wishing you all the best that all will blossom into a wonderful relationship. :-)


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smiles79
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Posted on Thu, Nov 27, 2008 11:35

Hi oz, If this guy is willing to open up to you thats a good thing. Friendship is always a good basis for a relationship. Love can grow but only you will trully know how you feel. If you trully felt strongly for him when he parted from you would you now be only feeling frienship. would a part of you be excited that he wants to make a go of it. Perhaps you weren't together long enough to make that judgement. It's possible that now youve gottoknow each other as friends for a period of time it could be better and more meaningful then before. His opening up could explain why he broke away and give you an insight into his deeper self. But it could also open a can of worms that you dont want. If he's had issues that has effected his relationship commitment it may well continue to crop up in the future. If he's withdrawn once will he do it again! Do you want to give this a go and be in a situation knowing this man has opened up to you, and later find you dont feel more then friendship. To perhaps discover hes started to feel more then friendship for you and thats why he's been more open with you. But then again it's also possible that you could say no tothis remain just friends and later regret that you didn't take the chance. Ultimately only you know this man and as much advice as everyone can give you it will come down to one thing. Follow what your gut tells you. Do that and either way, you done what you thought was right. I hope this makes some kind of sense.


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bigtom77
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Posted on Thu, Nov 27, 2008 10:37

I have to agree with 4fun on this one. I do think that before you do this you should maybe question him, ask him things he may think has no real meaning but will let you know his emotional state. There are a lot of stories on here, mine included, where someone wants back in your life because they are going through something at that time and the new relationship is good for him at the time, but maybe not for you. Go with caution if you go. I will just wish you much luck with it either way you decide.---Tom


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4funorlove
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Posted on Thu, Nov 27, 2008 06:59

Hi Oz, I think the biggest risk you face is that you recommence a "friends with benefits" relationship and and your friend then changes their mind again and wants to return to being just friends or not friends at all. Against this, you have to weigh how genuine the person is in wanting to take the relationship further. If you are willing to risk a second time around and wanting the opportunity to develop emotional ties because you believe the person is worth it and the future may be positive, then go for it. No one can know what the future truly holds, but you can work out how hurt you might get or how much love you might feel depending on which way the future goes. Hope that makes sense..


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