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butterbll
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Posted on Mon, Aug 11, 2008 21:01

Recently several events have made me ponder this Question. Which does more harm to a person in a relationship. Is it the physical abuse or is it the scars that you can't see unless you really look. The emotional and psychological scars that poison a relationship and a persons spirit. I know from my child hood that the scars on the spirit never really heal, without professional help. I also know that Women who are in a Abusive relationship keep thinking," I can't leave him, no body Will want me". " He says he is sorry and he won't do it again"."Or it was my fault, I made him mad". Or "Nobody else will love me". The reason is that their self esteem has been ground down by the abuser by all the negative snide remarks. "So that they the abused see no other option except to stay and pray the he will change. All I can Say if you suspect abuse stand up for the one who is being abused.Be friend to that person support them any way you can. Tell them you can call at any time for help, a ride out of the home or just some one to talk too. To not help some one that is being abused( or you suspect is being) to me is just as bad as if you were doing it yourself to that person.It Is just WRONG and IMMORAL to not act.The life you save may be one most important things you ever save from destruction.You may save, your's or some Else's sister , brother mother,daughter ,son, father. Yes men can be abused too, So it affects all, genders, Races, Creeds, Nationalities and socio economic backgrounds


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butterbll
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Posted on Tue, Aug 19, 2008 09:32

You are so true that the emotional abuse is so hard to sometimes see.Some times the abuse is so subtle.The person never knows how abusive their partner is till they are way over their heads, isolated from others, with a low self worth , and no foreseeable ( options hope ) to get out. Years ago it was mostly men who were the perpetrators of the abuse,but now there is a(SMALL) but growing trend for women to be mentally abusive also. I remember seeing a show about this subject on one of the talk shows a few months back. I have to say some of the ladies were quite vicious in their mental abuse.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Tue, Aug 19, 2008 00:04

I think sometimes women stay, too, because they fear that no one will belive them (like me). Sometimes, the person is only emotionally and psychologically abusive. Maybe only somewhat violent, not necessarily very physical-- but it does happen. So the person in that situation may think that b/c of the abuser's reputation (what everyone else sees), that she (or he) won't be believed. That was me. My ex was a jerk. But, he was only a jerk to me. He, for some reason, resented me I think. There was no issue with how he treated anyone else in the home-- just me. He hid it well. So, in situations like this, a woman might be very hard pressed to leave. Add in the fact that the man is the primary bread-winner, and that she has no means to support herself and three (or however many kids she has) kids...it's almost a losing battle.--True


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butterbll
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Posted on Sun, Aug 17, 2008 12:44

Just recently in the news there were several stories that I think drove the point home about abuse. The story of the man in Georgia that kept his family prisoner in Down right filthy conditions.(The Filth and odor from the trailer was so bad several Investigators had to wear gas masks to keep from gagging.)The trailer was piled to the ceiling with garbage and the walls were literally covered solid with insects. Second the story about the mother who had her 12 year old drive her to a bar. So that the mother could celebrate her birthday. Well the 12 year old crashed the car in to the house. Now mom is in jail for child endangerment. What responsible Adult parent would allow this???Have "WE" as a society SO afraid to offend someone, that we are afraid to speak up for those that can't (or won't because of a Multitude of reasons .) I feel it is easier to say... "I am sorry, I was wrong" than to not speak up and have the situation Degrade till someone gets seriously emotionally ,and physically injured ,Maimed , crippled ,or dies. I remember many years back , Trying to help a young lady that was in an physically abusive relationship. even after everything her BF did to her.The lying, cheating, stealing from her and others. He not being able to keep a steady job, The excessive drug use by him . After trying for about 10 weeks(and Failing) to help her get out of it . I left the company where we both worked and lost touch with her.Later I found out through a fellow work acquittance that. the situation of (JANE DOE) had gotten worse.After two kids by him(her ex bf) he got put in prison for drugs and theft. She dropped him, but got a even worse string of Loser's! To make a long sad story short. Now she has 5 kids by four different fathers. No real steady job,she gets no child support from any of the fathers ,living off welfare.Her parents are raising the kids.


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Sun, Aug 17, 2008 12:23

Scars do remain forever, but with TLC they CAN fade with time to the point that they are nearly invisible. To all of us scarred people, I hope your scars are fading.


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Posted on Sun, Aug 17, 2008 09:19

Sometimes I ponsder the many mysteries of life and seek the keys to existance. I feel that if we were meant to be alone, there would have not of been anyone else created. So, I feel people are all on this earth together and we should take care of one another. It pains me to see people who seem to be out for the destruction of another human soul or life. People that's main mission in life is to hurt and keep others down. I life my life alone and there are so many experiences to life that are wasted solo.

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LonelyInFL
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Posted on Sat, Aug 16, 2008 19:12

Great post Neal! I'd like to give you a witty reply but as you know...this really hits close to home. The wounds heal in time but the scars CAN remain forever if you let them. I agree whole-heartedly that you should help someone if you think they're in trouble. Sometimes the smallest thing (like a good ear) can make a world of difference.


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jjiggl
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Posted on Fri, Aug 15, 2008 12:15

Abuse is abuse is abuse. Either kind scars the psyche of the victim. All scars need to be healed and it is so much easier said than done.


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Thu, Aug 14, 2008 11:08

The sad part about these scars that don't heal is we that have grown up in abusive situations, lived for years with abusive relationships, we unwittingly keep the abusive cycle alive because we are drawn to what we KNOW. Our previous experiences, like it or not, carve out a "comfortable" (not as in physical or emotional contentment; but, rather "comfort" in the sense of having lived in similar situations) niche in our psyche that pre-determines our reaction to relationships or potential mates. We feel instantly attracted to men who remind us of our father's because we KNOW that devil. It's an endless co-dependent cycle, and I hate it. We don't want the safety of a well tempered, easy going, SAFE male, we can't subconsciously recognize any danger!


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Posted on Wed, Aug 13, 2008 08:47

Quoting ozredhead62: Impressive Vegas, did you write this??? So do remember being in that place before.

Yes, I wrote it.


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Aug 12, 2008 23:26

Well physical abuse is the escalation of emotional abuse so if your being physically abused you will be receiving both. Physical scars heal or fade, but not so for the emotional or psychological. We begin to develop these as children from even in the most loving of family environments. This leaves all of us to some degree, open to be abused, to have someone find that weak spot that they can control and take advantage of. Some of us will notice this and get out, but other will be trapped, unable to see till the scars begin to deepen and bleed. Abusive people need to control, and make weaker the object of their abuse and they will do it on a gradient, little by little till their stench permeates right through. If you know someone that is being abused, its no use to try and defend them, not meaning you watch them being hit though. Just be there for them, support and encourage them, show them lots of love and help build their self esteem. For its only when people can see that they deserve more and can have more, that they will begin to resent the way they are currently being treated and do something about it.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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ozredhead62
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Posted on Tue, Aug 12, 2008 21:19

Quoting VegasAngel76: The knife that cut so deep, The secrets that I keep The fear that lives inside, That has swallowed up my pride The thoughts that race through my head, Over all the things you said The sorrow that eats me whole, The world around me spins out of control I want to raise my fist up high, before I lose this fight and die lest another night I cry, I've got to get back up and try Rebuild myself from scraps and stuff, with an outer shell that's tough Stand upon these weary knees, tall and proud just like the trees Let the sunshine see my face, and wake tomorrow in a better place For I deserve loving arms, and a life that's free from harm A place to watch my children play and grow, and be free from all sorrow I will get there in due time, because tonight I've made up my mind That this is no way to live, and I have no more tears to give No more time to throw away, and no more excuses left to stay My heart goes out to all that have been taken advantage of, taken for granted, mistreated and misunderstood, abused and used and not valued for the gift that you are. Every day is another chance to fill your life with the happiness you deserve. Seize the day, take control of the reins that drive your life and get what you deserve !

Impressive Vegas, did you write this??? So do remember being in that place before.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Posted on Tue, Aug 12, 2008 15:59

The knife that cut so deep, The secrets that I keep The fear that lives inside, That has swallowed up my pride The thoughts that race through my head, Over all the things you said The sorrow that eats me whole, The world around me spins out of control I want to raise my fist up high, before I lose this fight and die lest another night I cry, I've got to get back up and try Rebuild myself from scraps and stuff, with an outer shell that's tough Stand upon these weary knees, tall and proud just like the trees Let the sunshine see my face, and wake tomorrow in a better place For I deserve loving arms, and a life that's free from harm A place to watch my children play and grow, and be free from all sorrow I will get there in due time, because tonight I've made up my mind That this is no way to live, and I have no more tears to give No more time to throw away, and no more excuses left to stay My heart goes out to all that have been taken advantage of, taken for granted, mistreated and misunderstood, abused and used and not valued for the gift that you are. Every day is another chance to fill your life with the happiness you deserve. Seize the day, take control of the reins that drive your life and get what you deserve !

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deva115
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Posted on Tue, Aug 12, 2008 13:38

How right you are Butterbill. I have worked with abused women for many years and there is one kind of abuse many people overlook and that is financial abuse. The abuser controls the money and the abused (usually a woman) has no means of support if she leaves. This makes leaving a very hard option when you have children and cannot see how you are going to provide the basic necessities for them. It takes a lot of courage to leave.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Tue, Aug 12, 2008 05:32

You got it Butterbll. It's a vicious circle, and women are conditioned from an early age to be submissive, to forgive and forget. I know I was. Many times, the abuse is subtle, and the victim doesn't realize it for what it really is, until it's too late. Psychological and emotional abuse are sometimes the hardest to come to terms with. They are also the hardest to prove. Many times, the victim is not taken seriously. Or they are shamed, being told that their abuse is not as important as someone who might be physically traumatized. You're right about just "being there". The best thing you can do for someone whom you think might be abused, is to provide support and friendship. Speaking from a perspective that is both personal and close to home, I can tell you, support is the greatest gift one can give.--True


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