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Justifiable fear?????? Sort by:
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IDsweetchic
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Posted on Wed, May 31, 2006 21:13

Hey everyone. I read these blogs as often as i can, and alot of the time i completely agree with the different types of things i read and feel the same way about them myself and what we're all really doing here. So i feel i can get an open and honest answer from all of you. I am a single mother of a 5 year old little girl(she is beautiful)and people tell me this on a constant basis. To get down to it, i'm here to find a REAL man. My fear is you hear all these stories about boyfriends and non-biological, and biological fathers that end up doing horrible things to children. I know not all men are like that. I was 2 months pregnant when i met the man that she calls "dad". Her biological father was never in the picture. We as a couple didn't work out, but we are still close friends, he calls her everyday and does all the things any dad would do for his daughter. He will always be her dad no matter what, which is the best thing in the world for me to know she has 2 people who love her more than anything in the world. But i fear that i will not find someone that i can trust to be around her and treat her and care for her as they would thier own child. It's not a mistake i want to make at the expense of my daughter. But i also want to be in love again. How do i balance my fears and my desire to move on and be part of a couple again?????


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IDsweetchic
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Posted on Fri, Jun 02, 2006 19:07

I just want to thank all of you for your comments and suggestions. It validates what i'm already doing(using my better judgement and a mom's intuition). Thank you and best of luck to you all. {{{{ hugs }}}}


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highqltylowmntnc
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Posted on Thu, Jun 01, 2006 17:32

Yes, azsweetchic, you do have a justifiable fear...however, it should not be an all consuming fear. Even when you meet this great man(I'm sure it will happen for you), it is important and sensible to really spend time and get to know the person, his family, his friends...all aspects of his life BEFORE you expose your child to this relationship. This will take time, so you have to give yourself PERMISSION to be patient and ask the same of your partner...if it is meant to be there should be no lack of understanding on this issue. With that said, since we are mere humans and not knowers of all things, the most important thing between a parent and child, especially today, is TRUST. You have to make sure that you talk to your daughter and ensure that she knows she can trust you and come to you for anything and with anything that is on her mind or bothering her...this is not a single conversation accurance. Children need constant reassuring that we are there for them...they don't necessary understand that all we do in nurturing and providing for them is a sign of that...they need to hear and see it...over and over again. Before you expose your child to anyone that you meet, you have a responsibility to do your homework also. Become sort of a psuedo detective...you don't have to be invasive to be informed! You sound like a loving, protective mother and that is a good thing. Be smart & safe, trust your gut and ALWAYS watch and listen to your child...she may not always speak to you in words. God bless you both.


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pathseeker
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Posted on Thu, Jun 01, 2006 11:40

I hate to rain on your parade but feel that I have to say this. My friend was in the same sort of situation when she was quite young (around 20) She met a nice man who ended up adopting her daughter (2 when they married 4 when adopted). He began acting abusive to her from the beginning of the marriage by being controlling and manipulative. She put up with it for fear of being alone with 2 kids and then 3 kids. She has always been a stay at home mom because she did not want to put her kids in daycare and subject them to possible abuse. Well he left her last Oct while she was 5 months pregnant with their 3rd child, 4th if you count the older daughter he adopted who is now 20. After he left the older daughter confessed to her mother that this man had been molesting her from the age of 5 and r*ped her on her 16th birthday. Once charges were filed it was discovered through interviews that he had also done some things to the babysitter 10 years earlier as well. With 4 felonies for child molestation, incest with a child and repeated sexual assault of a child the courts still allowed visitation with his other 2 children a son 16 and daughter 10. They said for the children???s protection they would make them supervised, by HIS (Mr. Molester) dad, who by the way believes that his darling little son is innocent. Well 6 weeks ago at visitation he groped the 10 year old and is now up to 6 felonies. Finally the courts said no contact with children under the age of 18. He has a trail in August and lets hope this pig is put away for a long time so he can no longer hurt little girls! I have looked at this a little more closely and discovered that most of these kind of men have a common trait, they are controlling, manipulative, can???t accept blame and generally throw it onto others, (generally the family) try to isolate the mother and child/children (play them against each other) this keep the child feeling like he/she cannot go to mom for help. They generally tend to be loaners and don???t have many friends. They generally have issues at work or other places with confrontation; they often scold the children and their wife for minor or trivial things. They cannot handle not being in control or in charge. I am writing this to say watch for the red flags. And before I get a mountain of response telling me most men are not this way I am already aware of that fact. If this raises one red flag for one person who saves their little boy or girl from a pervert then it will have been worth the gobs of mail I will get over this. Just keep your eyes open, be aware and if it does not feel right go with that feeling don???t dismiss it. I am not saying to run like Forrest Gump if you get a feeling that something is not right just saying be mindful of it and investigate it. And one more thing my friend had always told her child she should tell if anyone ever touched her in an inappropriate way but she never did until now. I truly believe it is possible to find a man who will love you and your daughter like you deserve to be loved and treat you both with love, honor and respect. Best of luck to you.


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