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Posted on Sat, May 26, 2007 07:02

If you didn't read my last blog posting then I suggest you do read it before you comment on this one since they are related. Ok, so I was saying that I wasnt shure what my boyfriends feelings for me cause of something he seid. Well it was one of those what if questions... what if this happend? Anyways their was a what if that is acctually possable that he answered in a way that made me question his feelings for me cause he answered it in a seriouse tone of voice instead of his joking tone of voice. Now it might not happen but their is an acctuall chance it will. Anyways It made me question his feelings for me but what also set me off is his online thing with gals... normally I would be like, its not real so who cares but a lot of my self confidence is tied to my sexuallity (so yeah, my boyfriend isnt the only person in this relationship who needs councling but wont get it)so the fact that he gits more pleasure and spends more time online having siber sex with them than he dose the real thing with me desturbes me and makes me question his love/desire for me and it makes me question my disirebility/attraction. Anyways I dont know how to fix the situation and before you go and say something about breaking up understand this... a relationship isnt suppost to be easy, he isnt abusive or anything like that where I would say, yes I need to leave. We just both have issues and those issues will still be ours even if we break up and move on to another relationship so really what Im trying to say is ... relationships need to be worked on inorder to survive and be long lasting, I dont know how to work out our issues but I do know I have to figure it out in order for us both to be happy in our relationship with eachother. Anyways Im just one confused lady right now. Im just going to take it one day at a time.


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Posted on Thu, Jun 28, 2007 22:44

Thanks everyone. When I cry its when he is asleep and I do so silently. He dosnt know (I have only done so twice)... It would upset him to know he has hurt me in any way. He asked me when whe first started to date if I cared about the online thing and I seid I didnt (he seid he would quit if I did care)... in a way I dont, its like me reading a sex book and fantasizing about orlando bloom. It isnt going to happen in real life. Some of his online gals hes been talking to for years... way before he meet me and the likely hood of him meeting them are zero. What I am concerned about is ME! I am obsest with being the center of (his)attention and I want his sexuall attention all the time. Im not jelouse over the gals... I more upset that I cant give him as much pleasure as his own hand can give him. His ex girlfriends messed up his sex life and now he has a mental block with sex... His own Hand is more fun for him! As for what he seid..."If I have money then I can have a girlfriend every week" What ran through my mind... So long as I get part of the action (aka- me him and the gal in the same bed ok) and Im still his girlfriend (ok so I have slight bi tendencys I do find women attractive but I am to chicken to try anything so far, he of corse incourages me by pointing out hot gals, he isnt pushy about it though) Anyways what upset me was he didnt say anything about keeping me. Now this is something that I have heard many a man joke about to their other half... I shouldnt have gotten upset over it but I did, why? Because I am not as emotionally stable as I thought I was. Im unhappy with my responce because I am disterbed to find my selfconfidence to be that fragel. It shouldnt be. I have worked hard all my life to over come my broken mind and self confidence only to find that everything isnt fixed yet. We could break up tommorow and I would be ok, sad (I do love him)but my life would go on... what is unacceptible to me is that my selfconfidence is so fragil


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sunkissedlynny
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Posted on Sat, Jun 16, 2007 17:00

Hi Tigress, Its been a few weeks since you posted, so I hope you have found some resolution re your mate. I think that people seek out online relationships (emotional or cyber) when it is that they are not finding or unwilling to seek it in the present mate. I think it feels hurtful to you, because it is a source of rejection. I believe having a frank discussion about this with him would be good. I was thinking about what you said about having alot of your positive feelings evolved around your sexual desirability. Do you realize, that puts ALL of how good you feel in any given moment about yourself completely with the other person? When do you vote for yourself? :) A person shares you, they add to hopefully what is positive experiences in your life -- but honey, whether you are desireable and worth resides within you. If the positive messages you mostly get from outsideo f yoruself, are given because someone is complimenting your beauty or your sexuality, then it is likely there in lies where this feeling of 'worth' began. At any time, feel free to start counting what your qualities are, what you are good at, what you enjoy, who you have become.... THIS IS WHO YOU ARE, i bet its grand! Sorry this was so long. We all deserve respect, love, joy, compassion.. we are all unique, thank god for that!

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Posted on Thu, Jun 07, 2007 06:51

Maturity level has a lot to do with it. These days the women are maturing at a faster rate than the men. they are keeping that boys will be boys attitude and focus only on themselves. good luck and you deserve someone who loves you for all of you, not just on how hot you are or how good you are in bed. It needs to include your intellect, personality, heart etc.


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jjiggl
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Posted on Sat, Jun 02, 2007 13:33

Now that you have asked yourself how he feels about you, why don't you ask him? While you are at it, why not let him know that making comments about getting rid of you, even when made in fun, are hurtful to you? Posting it on the blog only proves that you know that something is not right and that something needs to be done about it. No one is saying that it cannot be fixed, but it is up to you to do what is good for you.


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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Wed, May 30, 2007 09:21

Contentment - thanks for sharing your personal story. Very powerful - a gift ot us all. Tigress - she has a lot of very sound advice.


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gurlydd
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Posted on Tue, May 29, 2007 12:16

Tigress, It seems to me that if this man is the love of your life, someone you want to marry, someone whose children you want to bear, then you should have the courage to present this issue directly to him. Don't pretend that his online activities do not bother you when they so obviously do. Where is his inspiration to spend less time online when you continue to say it's okay? If you want more time and attention from him, then ask him. Don't nag or whine, just simply ask. If he obliges, then maybe he simply did not know how you felt before. Also, directly explain to him how what he said hurt your feelings and why. This could quite possibly lead to a conversation that will enlighten you to the true feelings he has for you. Only he can put your mind at ease, but it is also wise for you to heed the advice of the other ladies here. Lastly, if you don't address the "emotional problems" you eluded to then your self esteem will always be linked to how sexually attractive you are to others. You work, you go to school, you're a good daughter, and a good friend. (I assume) The sum of your character is not what you offer in bed.


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Contentment
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Posted on Tue, May 29, 2007 11:59

Hi Tigress If you have a way of contacting me - please do. I have things that I can share with you privately, that I won't do publically. There is something to be said about having walked in someone else's shoes. I'll just tell you that I know your heartbreak. I know what is going on in YOUR heart and in your mind. And maybe I can help prevent 15 years of it for you. And I'm talking about the torment of what is happening in your own mind and heart. Let alone what he is doing to you. That is a whole seperate issue. And it isn't you - and it isn't linked to your sex drive either. Your sex drive is very normal. Trials and difficulties shape us and mold us into the people we are today - so I can say that I am probably a better and stronger person for my past. I have compassion and insight and a depth of understanding that I might not otherwise have. I've been a foster parent to over 100 children over the years. I've been a counsellor in a shelter for abused women and children. But even working in the shelter - I remember the day when my doctor sat me down and said "Contentment, you should be living there, not working there" - and put me off on stress leave. It always happens to someone else - never to "us". And when we finally admit it is happening to us, we blame ourselves. If only I was this, or if I only I was that. You've done it over and over again in your post. Honey, it's happening to you. There are good men out there - men who treat women with respect. Who will honor you, cherish and treasure you. Who won't emotionally cheat on you with other women on line. It doesn't get better with time. Apart from what he is doing - what breaks my heart, is what it is causing YOU to do to YOU. I know you love him. And I know it hurts. If you can - contact me. Contentment


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SweetCarmelBBBW
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Posted on Mon, May 28, 2007 23:15

Tigeress, I read both of your blog post. I don't recall you ever stating what it is he said that may have offended you. I do remember you saying lots of other things. My question to you is this - shouldn't your boyfriend know you well enough to know when he has said something to hurt your feelings? If you are off crying, how is it that he doesn't notice this? When your feelings are hurt your behavior is different, not just you, ALL of us. A person that you have discussed, marriage with should know you well enough to notice this. Sweetie, sometimes we get red flags in a relationship and we need to pay attention to them. We can all sit here and tell you what we have been through, but the truth of the matter is, you won't listen to us because YOU don't see it as a REAL problem. YOU have to decide how much disrespect you are going to allow. And do not in anyway kid yourself into thinking it is not disrespectful because it is. Please understand I am not judging you, that is not my place nor do I waste my time judging others. I have my own life to live. I just think you are a very beautiful young woman and I think that there is a man out there who would love to love you the way you want and deserve. If you are getting that from your current boyfriend, congratulations and I am very happy for you, but from your blog post, it doesn't sound like it.


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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Mon, May 28, 2007 22:48

tigress - I want to make sure that you know that I was not implying that you were the one that needs to do all the work or that you have problems that you need to fix - what I mean is that you can not change him. And trying to make yourself okay with his stuff that is damaging the relationship will not work either. I am just thinking that if you go inward and focus on yourself that you will get really clear on what you do need and want and then you will find yourself very clear on whether or not you can get that in your current relationship or whether it is time move on. The more clear you are in your own mind the more successful you will be in making a healthy and pleasurable match.


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Posted on Mon, May 28, 2007 15:26

I agree with Amuseme.... it is only a matter of time before he takes his cyber cheating to real life. I am speaking from experience here. But you know what? It seems to me you are trying to justify his actions in your mind for some reason. Mind you, we don't know him... all we have to go on is what you have written about him in all your blogs. Sometimes it is easier for people from the outside to see the problem better than it is for the person involved. And from your own words, it breaks my heart to see you put up with the way he is treating you.


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 22:42

Tigress, I was not saying that what he said was abusive. What he is DOING is abusive. He is online having cyber sex with OTHER WOMEN while you are lying in the freakin bed WAITING for him?? If he's not doing it on cam now, HE WILL BE. What's next? Phone? A secret weekend rendevous? It will happen, it's just a matter of time. If he feels what he is doing is ok, there is no ethical reasoning stopping him from actually being with another woman. It may be a computer honey, but it's still GETTING OFF WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU - HIS GIRLFRIEND. No, it's not right.. and on top of it all, you said you have a huge sex drive and he doesn't want it from you, he'd rather get it online?? NO!! THAT ISN'T RIGHT!! By doing so he is making you question your own desirablity! Actions speak louder than words. I guess if you can put up with it, then ... then maybe it's okay with you.. but just for the fact that you are blogging this tells me that you are not ok with the situation. Rationalize it, internalize it, point the finger of blame at yourself.. but sooner or later you will see what is actually happening between the two of you. Do you really want someone that is supposed love you going online to get his rocks off... muchless while you are there and know about it?? it's not like he is watching a porn on tape and you are away for the weekend... he is actually interacting with other women online - we are all REAL people behind this screen. I really hate the fact that online gamers have somehow taken a character in essence is him/herself, developed online games, become the "god" of this character, interact with other "MUNS" and PRETEND IT ISN'T REAL. But the feelings portrayed ARE real. 100% real. If they weren't real, online gaming would suck, role playing would suck and authors everywhere would never make a dime. I used to game. It became an obsession. You are too worried about what is happening to your character and to your character's life to notice what's going on in the real world around you. It's a sickness, an obsession ... Hell, I would DREAM about it. It's not good.. and maybe you should think about what it is YOU need out of this relationship and whether or not HE is desirable to you. I mean SERIOUSLY think about it.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 17:04

Thanks honeybiscuit, I know this is something I have to work on. Yeah he has his problems but what really concerns me isnt his part of the problem (I have delt with worse than him, my father isnt the easyest person to deal with on a day to day basis so if my boyfriend dosnt work on his side of things then thats that... its his own falt). What concerns me is my tendencey to be obsest with sex and to base my selfconfidence on my sexuallity and sexual desirebillity... that isnt healthy and If I continue on like this then I might become really hurt or deperesed by something stuppid... weather it with my current boyfreind or if its with some other guy if we ever break up. After all what would happen if I was in a relationship with a guy who ended up with a sexuall problem caused by a health problem like (being diebetic or being parallized... bad enough my boyfriends problems are mental, physical isnt an easy thing to get over or fix)would I end up having fits of depression becase of not having sex or would I start searching for sex from someone else in order to feel desireble? People with the kind of emotional problem I have do have a tendency to cheat or sleep around... Im not like that but would I become like that in order to avoid the depression and fealings of uglyness that come form me not having a sex life? I dont want something like that to happen ever and I dont want to be crying or gitting depressed every time my boyfriends not in the mood. So I have to figure things out but I really apricate what you seid and the fact that you truely read and understood the true meening of the blog I wrote.


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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 16:42

AmuseMe its like I have seid before, if he knew he hurt my feelings or might hurt my feelings he wouldnt have seid it... anything that hurts my feelings for real and I tell him about he dosnt do anymore at all! (In my group of friends teasing is normal and you have to have a thick skin... if you dont or something gets on your nerves to the point of hurting your feelings you have to make it openly known so they dont tease you about it, I have seid much worse things to my guy pals about their manhood and sexuality than what my boyfriend seid to me witch was something my dad probably would say to my mom and it was taken in stride with a laugh and a returned volly... If you think its abusive than thats just you. In fact this is what he seid, after I seid If I would win the powerball I would buy a house..." If I win the lawsuit I will get a new hot girlfriend every week", now my dad has seid something simulare in conversations with my mom... is that abusive? case if so 99.9% of the married poplulation is in a abusive relationship and should divorce according to you). Its my emotional and mental problems that caused me to be upset about what he seid, its not about him abusing me in any way. Most people have relationships that are stormy (they argue every day or once a month about something)we have a calm relationship (we honestly dont argue, we tease each other... I call him a perve and he calls me a dits... witch I do act like so thats fair I call myself a dits to and so do all my freinds, everyone knows how smart I am but Im called a dits for a reason... I dont ACT SMART!). He seid something that he thought I would laugh off, ignore or preted to be insulted by. He didnt expect me to be upset by it since I know his history with women (not good)and I know he has attachment (or should I say an in ability to attach compleatly)issues. He tells me that things are better with me than with any other gal he has been with and that he cares for me. The only thing that truely conserns me is we both have attachment issues... thats what this is all about. He may like or love people but he dosnt nessaraly need them around or even want them around so if he thinks either one of us is better off with out the other he is more willing to leave the relationship. I on the other hand am a needy person... people leaving me makes me mad! If I dont want someone around thats ok but If I feel I need or want a loved one close to me I get down right cranky if their not their for me that second. Example- I have been at my boyfriends house for over 2 weeks, if I felt I needed to see my mom and she wasnt able to come see me or talk to me I would be mad... and question how much she loves me. Im needy, hes a hermit... how do the two personalitys meet? Second I truelly dont have a problem with the online thing eccept rite now case its not real... he isnt ever going to be able to meet the gals he talks to and I bet if he ever meets one he would get a rude awakaning about the diffirence between someones online personality and their real life personality. I sound smart online cause I think things out but in real life... well its a wonder I have managed to survive real life I act so dumb. What also concerns me is I have a high sexuallity and he dosnt. Because of stress I have been sleaping more than anything lately and now I have finally gotten to the point where Im no longer sleeping all the time and my sexuality is going back to normal. Well now we are in a rut... he plays his online games and "chats" to gals online and I play my computer game. By the time he comes to bed (early morning cause he dosnt sleep much) Im asleep. I have tryed to get his attention by everything but blant suduction (Im clueless so thats not an option) but he tickless me untill I cant do anything except lay their and wonder what went wrong... Oh... I dont know why I bother to post this stuff, except that I need to get it off my chest so I can understand what I am feeling. Youll just belive what you belive. Meanwhile I have to figure out how to fix the aspect of my personality (sexuallity=love=beauty mentality) that is causeing me this problem and I have to figure out how to seduce my boyfriend. (It would be nice to have it more than just once a week.)


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 13:54

Tigress, you have read my posts before and I really have tried to keep my opinion ... subtle where you are concerned mostly because you are still in that precarious "denial" stage of an abusive relationship. YES. I said abusive. If he is intentionally doing something that he knows HURTS you he is abusing you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. No matter what he says, living online and "cybering" other women while you are there waiting for him is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. Yes, we all have issues, but what you need to realize is: YOU can not fix HIM. He needs to do that himself. It turns my stomach that you allow him to do this to you, because I have been there too. I have been right smack in the middle of a situation just like this. I hope you realize what's going on BEFORE you wind up having his children. If you ever want help, I'll be right here. <3


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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bizzle49
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 07:38

nothing constructive other than lotsa luck....you did hit the nail on the head regarding a relationship being a commodity that continually needs to be worked on to keep the balance once again good luck in working things out


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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 07:04

Tigress, I have no real useful advice - but just wanted to respond and let you know if nothing else that you are heard. I agree relationships are not magic they are works of collaboration and personal growth and do take work - I think that often the work IS more about oneself than one's partner - after all the only influence we truely have is over ourselves. The only possible suggestion I can think of is to encourage you to get real clear on what you NEED versus what you WANT in your partnership. And then make sure all the NEEDS are prioritized and taken care of - these are not negotiable. NEEDS also need not be justified - they are needs and that is all that really matters - not right or wrong or to be judged by a partner. And the WANTS - these are also very important and you actually do NEED some of them - that essential feeling of being taken care of, and nourished often comes from at least some of our WANTS being answered in our partnership. In my porfessional life I find myself in a position to mentor young professional women and men often and in this capacity I have learned that negotiating for needs and wants is one of the primary differences between the sexes. The men almost never (in fact cannot recall one instance) negotiate over their needs being met but the women do this ALL the time. The men start their negotiations with the WANTS list and approach negotiations with a strong sense of entitlement. Women often seem to negotiate from fear of being unvalued and typically start by negotiating for the minimum of their needs and then try or plan to add wants to that list sometime in the future. Think about that..... You are such a sweetie - very very smart, beautiful and sexy - you deserve to have all your needs met and a whole bunch of wants - in both your personal and professional life. Good luck sweet girl - I am wishing the best for you.


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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 05:54

Curvy... I know you don't want to hear this, but the fact that you are questioning his feelings for you is a huge sign. As women, we have that little voice inside us that tells us when something just isn't right... and it sounds like your little voice is screaming to you. I used to do a lot of cybering before I met my husband, but once I met him, there was no need for me to get my "satisfaction" from anyone other than my boyfriend (now husband) so I stopped immediately. The fact that he would rather have online sex than real sex with you seems to validate your suspicions that his feelings may not be as deep as yours. I don't think it has anything to do with your desirability so please don't do that to yourself. Yes, we all have our own issues to deal with, but from all the posts I have read of yours, he seems to have more than most. Ask yourself if you are better off with or without him and his issues. Good luck Curvy.


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