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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Mon, May 07, 2007 13:29

So do you think there is a perfect mate for you and you just need to find them or that there are many near perfect mates and you just need to be ready and open to them and then do the work? This has been an ongoing favorite conversation that one of my best friends and I having been having for over a decade. She believes in "the one" - which in her mind (years ago) granted her permission to go after men already in relationships or to cheat on fellas that she is supposed to be in monogamous relationships with - as in "but, he might be the one and I have to find out" But for me, I think that there are likely more than one mate out there for us to find - not settling by any means but recognizing that relationships require work and that work often requires reframing and at times compromise. What do yall think?

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butterbll
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 21:10

I don't know if there is such a thing as soul mate. but I think can be of kindred spirit. and that they can balance out each others weaknesses to the benefit of both parties


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 18:28

Re: truefriendinme write: No, I don't believe in "soulmates" anymore, either.

True - when I was your age I had not been long out of a 14 year marriage and I felt much the way you do now. Disillusioned. Cynical. And just plain tired of giving. But now, 13 years later I have actually found my soulmate. I never believed all those love songs and poems were written by people who really felt that way. But now I know they aren't just fantasies people are singing about. I DO feel like singing love songs to my man all the time. He's everything I ever dreamed of but never believed existed. So don't give up hope. It may be awhile coming but its worth waiting for.


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 14:30

Re: LegalEagle224 write: Honestly, I don't know. I struggle with this every day. I hope there are more than one because if not, then I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life (and that's a scary thought). I lost my best friend/soulmate to a car accident about 4 years ago.

Melissa - I don't know about having more than one soulmate - but I do know you can have more than one best friend and there is enough love to go around. Even if you don't have another soulmate, you can have real love and deep friendship again. I believe that with all my heart.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 06:35

No, I don't believe in "soulmates" anymore, either. And, Nisi asked at what point you would change the frame of reference? I'd say when you KNOW that you can't make anymore "compromises". You already know my opinion on compromises, below, but many of us make them anyway...I know I did. But there comes a point when you are so tired of compromising to accomodate this person you are so in love with, and you know that no matter HOW many compromises you make, or how many mistakes you've forgiven, or how many times they've cheated and you've taken them back... you just can't live with THEM anymore!


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 03:01

I believe we do have soulmates. I'm not sure if there is only one. It took me 45 years to find mine. And Tom you are right in some respects. Love at first sight isn't love, but lust. And you DO have to work at relationships. But the thing is if you are lucky enough to have found your soulmate and that person feels the same way, you ARE both willing to do the work. My boyfriend and I sometimes have misunderstandings but we talk them out. We get through them. Together. And its not about appearances. Its about emotional intimacy and sharing. Its about devotion and commitment.


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bigtom77
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Posted on Mon, Dec 17, 2007 00:04

I do NOT believe in soulmates, I used to but not anymore. I think the only way something can work is to find someone that makes you happy, have atleast a few things in common with and whom you are willing to work with. Yes, I said work, There is no such thing as a perfect person so putting two of them together makes it even more imperfect so work has to be done to make it work. Work from both sides, working together. People change they gain weight, lose weight, go bald, get sick ect.. this list could go on forever, so we have to pick someone that we come to love the heart and soul of. Love at first site is lust at first ( remember this kids). Yes I am starting to feel like an old timer talking to the kids.lol Love is something that has to devolpe over time and while this is happening we must ask ourselves a few questions. Will I still want to be here if she was losing her hair, if he got a beer belly, if one goes grey headed ect.. again could go on and on. Ok back to the subject at hand, noone has anyone they were supose to be with. the people that stay in love 50+ years are not with the one they first lusted after, they took the good with the bad and no matter what else happened they talked things out and WORKED out the changes the other went thru. The bottom line to me is pick someone you know you love and never look at another, no lust no fooling around. If anyone read this whole thing then good luck to you may you find the one you want to make a "soulmate" out of.


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LonelyInFL
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Posted on Sun, Dec 16, 2007 17:53

Honestly, I don't know. I struggle with this every day. I hope there are more than one because if not, then I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life (and that's a scary thought). I lost my best friend/soulmate to a car accident about 4 years ago. I'm ok now, I know that it was not meant to be...but what happens now? I'd like to beleive that if we lose one (for whatever reason) that we may find another later in life...that meets different needs as we change. Do I make sense? Great question! :)


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Posted on Sun, Dec 16, 2007 15:32

I have a question about this soulmate topic. If you think that you only have one soulmate, of the opposite sex then: 1] How long are you willing to wait? 2] At what point do you change your benchmarks? 3] What is an acceptable compromise? Nat32132


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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Mon, Aug 13, 2007 11:47

I so agree with yall. Soulmates come in all kinds of ways that are beyond romantic and that was one of life's biggest lessons for me. One person can in no way meet all the many facets of me and satisfy them all. It takes a bevy of soulmates to keep me happy and most of them I will not likely have sex with or do all the little daily acts of sharing a house and life together that make a primary partnership... There's my girl Hydrangea, for who I can call anytime day or night and either laugh or cry. I can show up on her doorstep or she on mine and know that it is like my own home. And when it is time to play - watch out world no one is safe - lol. There are parts of Italy that will never be the same. And the laughter - things we get giggling about and still find funny years later are nuts. Once we brought ourselves to tears critiquing a potterybarn catelogue - still don't know what set us off. But every time I see a PB publication I smile. And I have my snuggly JoJo a fella friend - we got together physically for a while but sex was just not for us, just got in the way of the vulnerability we have soul to soul. We are kindred spirits through and through and always "get" each other without any explaining. And we call each other on stuff no one else will call us on - and we know how to help each other in ways no one else can too. And there are others. Longing to add another soulmate though- a fella that will be there, next to me, day to day and night to night. sigh.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Wed, Aug 08, 2007 02:47

I think that many times, compromise can lead to more compromise, unitl he "compromisee" loses sight of what she (he) initially wanted out of the relationship. That may lead to regret, then anger, then...OOOps. That was MY marraige! Yeah...I think compromise is sriously over-rated. It should be regulated--like narcotics!


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stannosstacey
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Posted on Tue, Aug 07, 2007 07:51

I have two soulmates and they are women and they are my best friends. My hope is to find a man that can be my soulmate as well as my best friend, lover, etc.


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wyldechild
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Posted on Mon, Aug 06, 2007 21:04

Re: Nisi32132 write: .... I also think that a soulmate can be a female friend, not just a mate of the opposite sex. ....

I have a truly special friend. She is my anam cara. Although we are opposites (she is sub, I am dom), we are twins, we mesh perfectly. I treasure each and every day we have been and will be friends.


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Mon, Aug 06, 2007 07:04

(*Long story warning*) I have a sister (oldest) who is totally, completely, insatiably in love with a man who doesn't love her. Its common knowledge that from 1989 to 2001 this man that my sister (oldest) loves to death and can't get enough of, loved my OTHER sister. She (oldest sister) was pretty much tired of him and ready to kick him out when she opened her eyes to the truth. We (myself, the OTHER sister and our mother as well as THEIR OWN KIDS) tried for years to get her to see reason, to see what was happening just under her nose. She didn't want to believe it, just stuck her head in the sand so to speak. Well, when the OTHER sister (who completely despises the guy btw) got a dozen roses on valentine?s day from him, she took them and the card that was SIGNED (LMFAO) to her (oldest sister) and confronted them both together; both were there, and he admitted the truth, finally: he was in love with the OTHER sister, and had been for nearly twelve years. So what does my oldest sister do? She disengages herself from the rest of the family, completely submerges herself in her life with him, and marries the f*cker. She is convinced he is her soul mate. Was it the rejection? Does she really feel love and affection for this guy who humiliated her so badly for years and years? It doesn't matter, really. My point is: he is HER soul mate to HER. What has driven this feeling for her is beyond my comprehension. I can't understand it, and I refuse to try to anymore. Your soul mate is your choosing. It's that plain and simple.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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AmuseMe
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Posted on Mon, Aug 06, 2007 07:04

(*Long story warning*) I have a sister (oldest) who is totally, completely, insatiably in love with a man who doesn't love her. Its common knowledge that from 1989 to 2001 this man that my sister (oldest) loves to death and can't get enough of, loved my OTHER sister. She (oldest sister) was pretty much tired of him and ready to kick him out when she opened her eyes to the truth. We (myself, the OTHER sister and our mother as well as THEIR OWN KIDS) tried for years to get her to see reason, to see what was happening just under her nose. She didn't want to believe it, just stuck her head in the sand so to speak. Well, when the OTHER sister (who completely despises the guy btw) got a dozen roses on valentine?s day from him, she took them and the card that was SIGNED (LMFAO) to her (oldest sister) and confronted them both together; both were there, and he admitted the truth, finally: he was in love with the OTHER sister, and had been for nearly twelve years. So what does my oldest sister do? She disengages herself from the rest of the family, completely submerges herself in her life with him, and marries the f*cker. She is convinced he is her soul mate. Was it the rejection? Does she really feel love and affection for this guy who humiliated her so badly for years and years? It doesn't matter, really. My point is: he is HER soul mate to HER. What has driven this feeling for her is beyond my comprehension. I can't understand it, and I refuse to try to anymore. Your soul mate is your choosing. It's that plain and simple.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Posted on Mon, Aug 06, 2007 04:54

I have to agree, there are many. As I changed from decade to decade I find that my differences need different types of attention. I also think that a soulmate can be a female friend, not just a mate of the opposite sex. I've made many changes in my life, going from a totally negative person to a positive, self assured woman. Even being rejected by men has not dampened my outlook on me. Yes, I think soulmates is a broad term and it can encompass friends as well as lovers. Nat32132 Re: staceynkansas write: Growing up I believed there was the 'one' that you had to find. But as I got older I agree with you, there are many ones. It all boils down to the committment to make the relationship work.


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jjiggl
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Posted on Sat, May 19, 2007 08:50

Honeybiscuit, I enjoyed reading your post. Congratulations to your parents for finding each other as soulmates and staying together for 50 years. Heck yeah, they are more than qualified to give relationship and marriage advice. I don't really believe that there is a soulmate for everyone. I say that because the theory can't be proven. There are many, many couples who have been together for decades, but are completely miserable with one another. These couples seem to be together because they believe in their vows, I guess. Hmm...this makes me wonder if couples who have been together for many years--decades even--feel that they are with their soulmate. Anyway, thank you for sharing your post about your parents. I really enjoyed it.


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TheyCallMeKat
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Posted on Sun, May 13, 2007 07:00

I used to believe we had more than one soul mate or perfect mate out there for us but there is one man that I once feel in love with and I will never love another like that again. I have yet to find the same connection and the same feeling.


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honeybiscuit
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Posted on Sun, May 13, 2007 00:25

Yeah in October - they are both turning 75 this year too - so lots of planning...Thanks for the well wishes.


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SweetCarmelBBBW
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Posted on Sat, May 12, 2007 17:25

This is off the subject, but Congratulations on your folks 50th year of marriage. I assume you are having a big party for them?


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