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Posted on Thu, Dec 14, 2006 04:25

Let's face it people hate us lawyers, so I say bring it on. Tell me all your lawyer jokes, take the mick out of me, I'll take a pop first:- A solicitor (english lawyer) opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the solicitor was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined. "You solicitors are so materialistic you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off!!" "Oh my" replied the solicitor, finally noticing the bloody right should where his arm once was " where's my Rolex?!!!!".


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Posted on Wed, Jan 17, 2007 04:06

This one is sort of lawyer bashing in that it shows how devious some lawyers are. BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Now stay with me here.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Sun, Dec 17, 2006 19:32

LMFAO.. so this is what I could read of it: Whereas, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah Whereas, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah Whereas, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah Whereas, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah Heretofore blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah So therefore blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah I couldn't get much further into it than that. I fell into a deep comotose sleep while trying to read it and am still groggy from the three day lapse.


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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Posted on Fri, Dec 15, 2006 20:42

lmao thanks bestkept secret, bitterman, and amuseme. wish i knew some lawyer jokes, but none here. thanks for the laughs and chuckles! :D


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bizzle49
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Posted on Thu, Dec 14, 2006 21:43

LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!! almost piddled myself *blush* reading these..I had to go to court tonite and after hearing what the union shark wanted to charge upfront I decided to go it alone and throw myself on the court's mercy. Lucky I did, for a couple of traffic boo boos I'd probably have wound up doing 5-10 in Dannemorra LOL


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AmuseMe
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Posted on Thu, Dec 14, 2006 10:55

LMAO Pulled out of sequence, this one is for you, BestKept. *30. Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?* You know I luvs ya. 1. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! 2. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. 3. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. 4. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. 5. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. 6. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A. A Lobotomy. 7. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers? A. Who cares? 8. Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? A. A waste of cement. 9. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A1: Shoot him before he hits the water. A2: Take your foot off his head. A3: No? Good! 10. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. 11. Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer? A1: Back over him to make sure. A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel. 12. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***? A: The bucket. 13. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff. 14. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. 15. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his a*s. 16. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. 17. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. 18. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery. 19. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. 20. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. 21. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the fore skin from crawling up their chins. 22. Q. What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A. A hooker will stop scr*ewing you when you're dead. 23. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A. It might be your bicycle. 24. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A. Their personalities. 25. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A. A doberman. 26. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground? A. Deep down their good. 27. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish. 28. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed? A. They get so much practice screwing people. 29. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A. The lawyer charges more. 31. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 32. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. 33. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 34. An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" 35. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. 36. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. 37. Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law 38. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. 39. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. 40. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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AmuseMe
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Posted on Thu, Dec 14, 2006 10:44

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."


In your rocking-chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking-chair, by your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel. –Theodore Dreiser

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