Greetings all, thought I would spend some part of my latest sleepless night on the PC, as ye do, and found this site... Pretty cool idea, had a look thru the search to find folks locally, Long search, spotted a few lassies in the Scotland region, so ats cool, added a few comments in the forums, will add more later on... Hope to chat with ye all soon...
Peace fae me for now
Its me again, sorry I havnt been around of late, been spending a LOT of time trying to find a way to get a move down towards where my family stay.
When I wasnt doing that, i am also online either playing a computer game (Counter Strike 1.6) to have some mindless fun (and kill noobs) or in that "Other Chat Place" having a laugh with some like minded folks that I have known for over 3 years online.
So thats me online habits covered, other than that, am back and fro to the docs and hospital at the mo, to get things looked at and sorted out and also out for long walks on "Docs Orders" which is cool as the weather over this way is rather nice for the time of year.
Other than that, nowt much is different, lost a few Lbs, been able to play tenpin again without pain in my knees or legs ( the muscles tightening on the way home DONT COUNT, walk it off wayne... muhahaaaa) so things are looking up regards to health and inner happiness.
THEN COMES ST VALS DAY... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
Am sure that they only advertise this to annoy all the single folks .......
Love hearts in shop windows, weegies and junkies (Glaswegians and Self Administering People) all smiling and being nice for a change to each other and finally the sad look on the faces of the folks that DONT have someone to give flowers to or receive them from.....
Its annoying ... anyways ... musnt grumble......
Hugz tae all fae a Daft Cuddly ( and single ) Scotsman!!!!!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boyis in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a gayball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '??250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have gayball boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'
Boy - '??350'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and gayball, let's go outside and have a game of fitba.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a ??600.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my fookin cupboard now'!!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband,
'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark,
'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenl y ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied....
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".
No Money to play with and my PC DIED on me. Wahhhhhh!
Tried a few things, no joy, kept cutting out on me.
So here I am, with the same PC, nowt new bought, AND IT WORKS AGAIN!!!!
HOW? I hear you ask.
I Hoovered It. Muhahahahaaaaa.
Took the stuff apart and cleaned it carefully gettin rid of all dust, re-wiped the cpu and heatsink and lastly checked all cables for faults.
AM SO CHUFFED!!!!!
So am back, look forward to the laughs.
Hugz to all!
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but ' down under. '
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT ?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Hugz, as always, from ME
Here's a wee halloween story ...........
A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked, fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the backseat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put the costume away and sat up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life ....
A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having
all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a
hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't
been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife
and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't
move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a
few minutes later and jumps into bed and
makes passionate love to his wife like
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back
and round two was even better than the first time. The
wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and
there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife
His funeral service will be held on Saturday !!!!!
A Harley rider wrote to an agony aunt with the following problem:
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence." I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support while aided by their walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about twenty minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned a life lesson about old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching, thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says, "Excuse me, but, that was truly amazing. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some secret to this?"
Still visibly shaking, the old man, barely able to reply, says:
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cr*p," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird "
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion"
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
Little Billy ask his dad for a TV in his bedroom.
He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "dad whats love juice"?
Dad is horrified and embarrassed but spends the next hour and a bit explaining to little Billy all about sex.
Billy just sits there open mouthed in amazement.
Dad says "So what were you watching"?
Billy says "Wimbledon"
When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.
Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.
My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect.
We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice-cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day. Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.
She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement.
I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate.
Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I wou...
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the account on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
That was from my posts in the forums, transfered for the gigglez
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's Farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand.. She said, "My family went to see Edinburgh castle and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Seeing as folks dont respond to the jokes I put in the forums, HERE YE ALL GO!!!!
Hey there, thought I would give this a try.....
Looking thru the forums and blogs, I see a LOT of USA and Canada, but never enough UK or ideally Scotland folks about....
So here it is ... a chance to say....
ANY SCOTS OUT THERE....
Just lookin to see a Hiya, In Scotland here from those that are....
There has to be someone else ......
Hugz fae ME