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  • Greetings all, thought I would spend some part of my latest sleepless night on the PC, as ye do, and found this site... Pretty cool idea, had a look thru the search to find folks locally, Long search, spotted a few lassies in the Scotland region, so ats cool, added a few comments in the forums, will add more later on... Hope to chat with ye all soon... Peace fae me for now
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Happy New Year tae ye all fae Scotland Posted on Dec 31, 2010 at 04:20 PM
12 Months happiness, 52 weeks fun, 365 Days laughter, 8760 hrs good luck, 525600 Minutes joy, 31536000 seconds success, So wishing u a (*)Happy New Year(*) Hugz tae all fae Me.
Hidden and Hideing Online Profiles!!! Posted on Dec 31, 2010 at 07:13 AM
Greetings to all. Here we have a growing trend, not just on this one site, but on many that I goto. (names not included cause blog will just be deleted) Now some folks will after a time decide to Delete their profiles, and that is by the way, but when a Blogger who we all know and respect decides to hide their profile, we need to ask ourselves WHY !!! One main thing I think of is lack of decent facilities, especially for them that will not pay a subscription. What we get is the profiles, and Forums / Blogs... End Of! The site is slow to say the least, want to know why, cause there are other like minded sites out there that do things better! But where there is progress, there is also over use. Let me explain. In one of these other places where there is Blogs and Forums, with Basic chat and Webcam chat as well, there is a severe lack of respect for other folks, but there is no block feature in the chat areas, or moderators for that matter. Due to this, some folks have to Change their name and make new profiles to stop unsavoury people from being total creeps and stalking them. Makes me wonder about the wisdom of some folks in general. Am I the odd one out cause I like to chat online in the comfort of my own home, with profiles and similar ID's all over the place. The annoying thing is, that the folks that have hidden their profiles, are the folks I really do enjoy hearing from and having a banter with. Just makes me wonder what I have done wrong by these people... Just mind, in here at LF, we don't get total idiots harassing us that much cause offensive posts are dealt with swiftly, the same can not be said for the majority of the other sites out there and here is the thing, these other sites are BUSY !!, but, and it is a BIG BUT!!! most of these other places are where the total tools hang out, you know the kind, they make out butter wouldn't melt and they are god's gifts and the likes. It is just a crying shame that LF don't allow cross posting of other places that are similar, I feel that is one main issue with this place being so quiet. Well, as for me, I will do my little routine, some here, some there, play my games and surf the net for something new as well. Sorry for the rambling post again folks, can you tell its the holidays season. Hae a guid New Years and a big Hug fae ME
Three Little Pigs.. AbzWayne's Joke Posted on Apr 24, 2010 at 03:58 AM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. 'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' The third piggy says - 'Well, it's my turn to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
DIlema for Easter Holidays... Posted on Mar 31, 2010 at 06:16 PM
Hiya All. been a while.... Well am still doing the same stuff, surfin the net and poking my head in every so often. Coming up to the Holiday Weekend and I have a dilema... Do I... Spend some money to upgrade my PC a little, either a new processor or some more memory ? Buy a new mobile phone that has WiFi and GPS functionality for £100 sterling ?? Or not bother with either of these and let the money burn a hole in my pocket ??? Please note that the last option is laced with sarcasm.... Computer or Mobile ... hmmmm Hate making decisions like this. well its 2:15am here, sleep pattern is all messed up as am in a silly course thing to "assist" me look for work... Makes me wonder how sitting in a room with access to weeks old newspapers is assistance ??? So no doubt I will be awake a while longer and go thru the Pro's and Cons... of what to do with my money that is... hehe Hugz to them that want it. Peace Update: Gonna save my pennies and either do the PC thing or just have a computer maintenance weekend... as am sure I have a spare DDR2 mem stick someplace... Peace
Eating peanuts- another AbzWayne Joke Posted on May 09, 2009 at 10:17 AM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts tossing them in the air, and then catching them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
Suit fun at the Morge!!! AbzWayne Joke Posted on May 02, 2009 at 07:18 AM
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice". "So : I switched the heads".
Tarzan and Jane.. an AbzWayne Joke Posted on Apr 16, 2009 at 07:13 PM
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. 'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch ! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for ?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
She's always got a answer... Posted on Mar 30, 2009 at 04:16 AM
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said . . .. I would but you're never there. He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . They don't have time He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . . We don't know; it has never happened. He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends. She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? He said . . . A widow. He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Ahh this is Braw!! Let the Fun Times Commence!!!
A Lonely Widow... this is from AbzWayne... so have a guess Posted on Mar 24, 2009 at 01:36 PM
A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?
HSE First Aid at Work, College Course... Posted on Mar 23, 2009 at 11:52 PM
Morning all, Well I did manage to drag my sorry carcass out of bed and get there, I was a bit late, 6-7 mins which isn't bad for me seeing as I did have a nice relaxing cup of Coffee to get me started (hence why I was late). The course as it always does, new thing = Nervous, New building = Unfamiliar and lastly Dif folks = Severely anxious... Sigh! Small group of folks, 5 in total plus the trainer who is BRILL!! Country lass, very easy to get on with. With my size and knee issues, did confess that I may have a prob with CPR on the ground regarding Balance ( don't want to squish / flatten folks by falling on them), so I have to practice that over and over until I get it and can do the 3 mins solid CPR. Side Note: where can I get new knees with inbuilt cushions??? Well it's now the second day, first one done so I can get an Appointed Persons certificate the now and call it a day at that... BUT!! here I go with "What If"! so going to stick with it!!! But First COFFEE!! Toast!!! then READ BOOK!!! Hugz to all that want em.
A WOMAN'S POEM: Posted on Mar 19, 2009 at 04:52 AM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
In search of a new Life!!!! Posted on Feb 24, 2009 at 05:09 PM
As I sit here, lonely hearted... Sighhh. OK, I had a convo with my brother over the phone, and he said something to me that has me thinking and annoyed at the same time. I have my quirks, some knowledge and a good deal of "Life Learning" by picking stuff up as I go along. But am sitting here and totalling it all up, and it adds up to "NADA"!!! Nowt to show for it. Sure, I got my 2 qualifications, but still, THEY should have been done and dusted afore I reached 21... am almost 38... So here it is, what to do??? Do I sit here and carry on regardless hoping that "something will turn up" ??? or do I make a really daft and wild decision and change it all around??? When I was 17, I had a wee accident, which left me lost and nervous.. so to get over that I changed things drastically and disappeared for 6 months to "Find Myself" again... It WORKED!!! 20 years on ... am at that same damned point... So much about my everyday life has me so damned angry, something has to give or I will become an Angry Old Man afore am 40. So here is an idea??? College for the Mature Student??? Not sure what course I would do yet, looking at Computers and Information Technology at HNC Level to go onto HND if I can handle the Student Life!! Would it work??? Would it give me a change of lifestyle enough to make me happier ?? Let me know what ye all think... Please. Hugz fae that Daft Cuddly Scotsman
THE GORILLA... another AbzWayne Joke Posted on Feb 12, 2009 at 01:59 AM
Two limp wristed Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The limp wristed men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.... When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?' 'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
Birthday Poem for ma brother Ricky Posted on Jan 21, 2009 at 02:04 PM
A ruddy guid time wis had fae all, Ricky wiz up dancin' an' didnae fall, The music wiz blairin' thru the hall, and a few things happened that surprised me... Ricky kin dance!!!, Ricky kin sing!!!, even sis didnae nag the Bob thing, Some o' ma pics are a bit knackered, but at's a'write cos a wiz plastered... For the very first time, heard Kerry singing, but fa's that lad she is out there swinging... The night will be remembered for a time so lang'... Tae all that came, strait fae me... Moran Taing. I have put other pics up of the party at other locations, however, this site doesn't allow for that. I think it is very silly in the extreme, in fact the word I would use is " YOU TUBE "!!! By not allowing us to advertise our other pages, Blogspot and the likes, we wont feel obliged to post a link Their to Here!!! Tis all a bit silly.. Hugz Fae AbzWayne
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Defective Parrot... Posted on Jan 21, 2009 at 02:00 PM
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy cr*p," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird " "Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion" The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the man. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
SCOTTISH CHRISTMAS FAIRY Posted on Jan 11, 2009 at 08:32 AM
I am a little fairy On tap o' the Christmas Tree It's no' a job I fancy Well, how would you like tae be me? A tarted up wi' tinsel It's enough to mak ye boak An a couple o' jaggy branches Rammed up the back o' your frock An' these wee lights a'roon me I canna get my sleep An' there's the yearly visit Fae Santa - Big fat creep! On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here While you're a' wirin' in An' naebody says "Hey you up there Could you go a Slug o' gin? It's nae joke bein' a fairy The job's beyond belief You've got to go roon' the wean's beds An' lift their rotten teeth But o' a' the joabs a fairy gets An' I've mentioned only some The very worst is sitting up a tree Wi' pine needles up yir bum When a' the fairies meet again By the light of' the silvery moon Ye can tell the Christmas fairies They're the wans that canna sit doon The Christmas tree's a bonny sight As the firelight softly flickers But think o' me I'm stuck up here Wi' needles in my knickers So soon as Christmas time's right by An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer I'll get awa back tae Fairyland An' I'll see yous a' next year.
Abz's Joke - Anti Xmas - Not For Kids Posted on Jan 11, 2009 at 07:11 AM
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
Another AbzWayne Joke, so I dont feel guilty Posted on Aug 14, 2008 at 02:24 AM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... . A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Well your eyesight's damn near fcuking perfect.' And then the fight started.
Dave The Hen ... an AbzWayne Joke Posted on Aug 14, 2008 at 02:03 AM
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This Isn't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Dave, wake up, you drunken bar-steward. You've poo the bed !!'
Is Your Daddy Home..... Posted on Apr 02, 2008 at 03:34 AM
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? " "Is your daddy home?" he asked. " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "me ."