Blogs for ladyhawke1.

It's been nice...

12-AUG-10

Hi boys and girls. It's been some time since I've been here. Nice to see some old faces and lots of new ones. I've come to the conclusion that I should delete my name and profile since I don't come here anymore. I haven't been looking for anyone for a long time so I shouldn't take up the space. Bye Bye too the few friends I've maede being on here. And good luck to all of you in your search. ladyhawke aka Karin

Raisin Bread

15-SEP-09

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner." As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's-a quiverin' a little!"

Speeding Ticket

26-AUG-09

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."' "'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper

My New Job..

21-JUL-09

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ' No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. LOL got you.....

Making a Baby!!!

10-JUN-09

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny! The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your uh...equipment? ' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted \\

CRABBY OLD MAN

06-JUN-09

For all of us, who will be there one day! When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet. Crabby Old Man What do you see nurses?. . . . .. What do you see? What are you thinking . . . . ... when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, . . . . . not very wise, Uncertain of habit .. . . . ... . . . . . with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food . . . . . . .. . and makes no reply . When you say in a loud voice . . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!' Who seems not to notice . . . . . . the things that you do. And forever is losing . .. . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe? Who, resisting or not . . . . . . .. . . . lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding . . . . . . . The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking? ... . . . . Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.. I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . . .. As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters .... . . . . . . .. . who love one another. A young boy of Sixteen . .. . . . with wings on his feet. Dreaming that soon now . . . . . . . .. a lover he'll meet. A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now . . ... . . . . . I have young of my own. Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home. A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . . My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last. At Forty, my young sons . . . . . . have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.. At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me. Dark days are upon me . . . . . . my wife is now dead. I look at the future . . . . . . . . shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing . . . .. . young of their own. And I think of the years . . . and the love that I've known. I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age . . . . look like a fool. The body, it crumbles . . . . . . .grace and vigor, depart. There is now a stone .. . . . ... . . where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass . . . .. . . a young guy still dwells, And now and again . . . .. . . . my battered heart swells. I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . . . . .. life over again. I think of the years, all too few . . . .. . . gone too fast. And accept the stark fact . . . ... . . that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people . . . . . . .. .. open and see. Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . .. . see ME!! Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within we will all, one day, be there, too! PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

Words of Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

24-MAY-09

1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 14.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 21. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Some funnies to brighten your day..

21-MAY-09

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, And still be afraid of a spider. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- =0 A CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & ; down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and Neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! =0 D -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who Should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .'HEBREWS' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home And were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him At 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

It's Hell Getting Old

16-MAY-09

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this "first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep none of us could get the jar open'

HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

12-MAY-09

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) That everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...Walked home...and left it there all night!!! (You gotta love Frank!)

The Postman!!

08-MAY-09

One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder is cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Around midnight, we all got so drunk that we started playing "WHO AM I".' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play "WHO AM I"?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times...'

For the animal Lovers in the group

28-APR-09

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

Senior Joke

18-MAR-09

Garage Door The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

To my Female Friends at Large Friends

17-DEC-08

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you And deliver some things just inside your front door Things you have lost, but treasured before. I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure. Then restore the old color that once graced your hair Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted So things now suspended need not be uplifted. I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks. I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells. No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose. Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny. You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take. And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache. Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid. I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me The matronest of matrons you ever did see. I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot. Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

An oldie but a goodie

30-NOV-08

Every time someone sends this one to me I can't stop laughing. I hope you like!! There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle It under the arms. Well, Lena gets hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45 a.m. there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

I got to have one of these!!!

19-OCT-08

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! > I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. > AWESOME!!! > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,right? > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. > I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. > I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? > IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. > Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! > P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! > 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Skinny Dipping

08-OCT-08

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast

My Private Part Died!!!

05-OCT-08

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' ( You've gotta love this .) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Natural Highs!!

26-SEP-08

1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry). 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling. 15. The beach. 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.. 17. Laughing at yourself. 18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you 19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS 24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 28. Playing with a new puppy. 29. Having someone play with your hair. 30. Sweet dreams. 31. Hot chocolate. 32. Road trips with friends. 33. Swinging on swings. 34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 35. Making chocolate chip cookies. 36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 37. Holding hands with someone you care about. 38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 40. Watching the sunrise. 41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 42. Knowing that somebody misses you. 43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.. 44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Just for the heck of it...

10-SEP-08

Woman has Man in it; Mrs. has Mr. in it; Female has Male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist AND .. When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. Send this to all the men just to annoy them.

The Church Gossip!!

10-SEP-08

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . ... walked home . and left it there all night. You gotta love people like Henry. Have a wonderful day!

The Can Opener

10-SEP-08

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Jenn ifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the can opener. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the can opener from the house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the can opener. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ca n opener by NOW! Love, Mom LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

Already Complete

25-AUG-08

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you shine less, Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped, doesen't stop you from being the best. Just because no one has come along to share your life, doesn't mean that day isn't coming. Just because no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running. Just because no one has realized how much of a woman you are, doesn't mean they can affect your femininity. Just because no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality. Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs. Just because you deserve the very best there is, doesn't mean that life isn't always fair. Just because God is still preparing your King, doesn't mean that you are not a Queen Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing. Keep Shining....Keep Running...Keep Hoping....Keep Praying. Keep being exactly what you are.... This was sent to me a long time ago and every now and then I need to share it with all the ladies that are feeling a little down. Keep the faith ladies...

Can you read this?? I did..

25-AUG-08

Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wr od are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT

Old Age, I decided, is a gift

27-MAY-08

This was sent to me this morning and I had to share it with all of you. I'm at this stage in my life and it feels so good to finally like who I am. Keep smiling everyone. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set . They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)

One of those days...

06-MAY-08

OK guys I need to vent just a little...sorry :( I'm usually very good at being alone, 99% of the time I like it that way. But for some reason today is one of those days where I could really use a nice big HUG...I'm feeling very lonely tonight.... Well thanks for my little vent. Tomorrow I'll be back to my wonderful smiling self.

A little silly for you all

23-APR-08

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.' The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The Water representative aid, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence..... and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified...so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... 'Your card! Your card! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl's Night Out

23-APR-08

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. (Does this sound like anyone you might know???) Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos, plus 9 cuckoos. equals 12 cuckoos, MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem bothered in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table .... The End

What are you reading???

03-APR-08

What is everyone reading this month?? I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, also doing the class with Tolle and Oprah. OMG it is such an enlighting book, so many ah ha moments for me. It's one of those books that I will be reading more then once.

The Obedient Wife!!!!!

25-FEB-08

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" I surely did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it." Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than (women)!!!

Thought of the day..

31-JAN-08

....

Some funny words of Wisdom

28-JAN-08

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high plosives. Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won?t need him again. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?? My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Today's Message of the Day is:

27-JAN-08

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you Smile.

Need some input for a small problem..

22-NOV-07

Hi all I could use some input to a small problem I have. When I lived in Jersey I was taking care of my sisters ex mother in law (this in itself is a very long story). The woman is 82, soon to be 83. She's all alone in Jersey now (all relatives are dead) and I seem to be the only one she has left. Now mind you she can be very mean and cruel at times. Everything I did for her was done from my heart not for what I could get from her. Well to make a long story short she called me today crying because she was so lonely and missed me. She told me her health is going down hill fast and she doesn't want to be alone at this time in her life. She then asked if she could move in with me. I didn't know what to say (she took me by surprise). What I did tell her was I would think about it, and get back to her. I'm weighting the pros and cons. When I was in Jersey she took delight in calling me names, not thinking she was hurting me. Hell guys I'm not sure what to do about this. My heart is telling me to take her in, but my head is telling me to think long and hard. HELP

My Thought for the day!

06-NOV-07

Some folks are like Slinky's, not good for anything, But they still bring a smile to your face as you push them down the stairs!

Newest members of my family

17-OCT-07

I'd like you all to meet the newest members of my family, Ozzy and his sister Chloe, they will be 4 months old this friday. Ozzy is on the left.

Just saying Hi

24-AUG-07

I was going to vent a little, but changed my mind and will say HI to all my blogging buddies instead

I'm back.....

12-AUG-07

Hi all it's been a while. How is everyone in blogland doing?? Well I got myself and my cats moved into a new house in a new state and were all happy. I should have made this move sooner. Life is good!!!

The World's Shortest Fairytale

01-MAR-07

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on. The End

Why Oh Why!

26-FEB-07

Why, Why, Why ... do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put a S in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE..... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

OMG Please read this New SCAM WARNING

01-FEB-07

Beware of this Scam! Probably more than most, I just hate people who forward too many warnings, but this one is important! If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do NOT do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked! ......I wish I'd gotten this yesterday....... I feel so stupid now....... hehehehe

Start each day with a Smile..

29-JAN-07

You may as well laugh, right? 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.. Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again--just be sure to flush when you're done. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few