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Am I insane, out of touch or what? Sort by:
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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Thu, Sep 04, 2008 08:53

I have been reading some of the blogs over the last few days, trying to think of a topic that would at least garner me so responses. I came on here (this site) to hopefully find a woman who would be my partner. I feel totally out of place and i am not sure why. I grew up, believing a relationship, no a marriage was about two people growing together, yet being individuals creating an intimate environment where both could be themselves without fear, rejoicing in the ability to share everything, supporting each other so that both grow individually and as a couple There are some extraordinary people on this site. Why do people give up on that dream? Why settle for anything less than the whole package? Why date someone who is married if your goal is to be in a longterm relationship? I have no problem with the idea of sowing the wild oats, for both genders, as long as that is what both want. The idea of Friends with Benefits is a recipe for pain, but again its choice. I guess my question is are we so sexualized that intimacy is sex and what someone will do for you, or are willing to perform on you is more important than anything else. I thought in a relationship egos are put at the door, needs are met, people grow and explore in all ways........knowing that you are appreciated for who you are and that both know they are where they belong Are there people who think as me....or should i just find a straight jacket 2 sizes to small, pop a few pills and let my mind wander aimlessly?


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Happily
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Posted on Mon, Nov 17, 2008 15:54

No, I don't think that there is anything wrong with your mental capabilities. I suppose it is the sign of the times for the younger people, which indeed, is very sad. I am a traditional woman, and like the traditional old fashioned morals, of which I am not ashamed of at all. I always believed that people should be in love before taking any step towards any physical intimacy.I don't mind keeping up to date on a lot of things but sexual immorality is not one of them.

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petale46
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Posted on Wed, Sep 10, 2008 05:55

RWGROOT60 Thank you for your kind words and the warmth you display in your message. Ever the diplomat I might even say. In replying to your reply. I'm the type of person who rarely wonder about what other people want from me. I try to observe people and answer when I feel they need something and try to supply what they need. The rest of the time and anyone who knows me knows that, ask you will get, don't ask I can't guess. It's fairly simple. I haven't lost what it is I need in my life, far from it. My point to your post was more about the inability to find that other person, to create that bond, when the unwillingness is not on your side. For example. For me sex is somewhat sacred. It is something precious I don't share with just everyone. If I say that in the first few minutes of a date or if I say that to men online, I just lost their interest. They feel like I'm way too straight and I must be a real prude. It has nothing to do with that, I just consider sex as being a way of giving myself in the most intimate way, it's about showing a part of myself I only show to very few selected people. Sometimes the perception about what seems and the reality is just too distanced. I cannot count the number of men who rejected me either because of the fact that I'm overweight or because I told them that no, we won't meet at my place the first time and have sex. In the end, the positive thing about all this, is that at the beginning I thought there was something wrong with me, feeling a very common feminine guilt. It has happen too many time now to be just me... hehehe I just wasn't born at the right time. My concept of love is outfashioned it seems.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Mon, Sep 08, 2008 10:52

Well, looks like I am a day late and a dollar short here. But, onward ho! I feel that the "friends with benefits" is definitley not for me. I (personally) have to have that connection, that feeling that I am in synch with the person I'm about to undress with. I don't think that the short term benefits are worth what looking at myself the day after will cost me. I prefer to find someone like-minded that I truly feel I can try to develop a committed (and not in the psych ward sense --lol!) relationship with. Only then will I feel safe enough to open up enough to share that type of connection. Sex is such a personal, intimate, sharing of touch and emotion. It just amazes me how some people can just give it away like "gifts with purchse"! I feel that my love and committment are worth more than a toaster. I'm gonna make damn sure I get the full monty! I don't care that I will be alone for a while. I expect this. I feel that if it's worth my time and my love, then it'll be worth waiting for. --True


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Mon, Sep 08, 2008 08:08

Petale I have been struggling how to respond to your post for the past few days. It is a gift to all who are on the site. Thank you for your honesty and kind words I spent a few summers in a lumber town in Northern Ontario.......yup way up there and I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. I guess what I feel is that we spend so much time worrying about what others want from us we forget what we really want and need for ourselves. Then we get afraid that we are missing out on something and we begin trying to get a bit of that too. All i can say is I wish I was a guy living in a remote community where there are more wonderful women like you who have there values, and have kept their heads on straight. In the mean time I get to know you as a blogger who was willing to open up. Thank you so much


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sun, Sep 07, 2008 08:38

Thank you Aimee. I appreciate your kind words. The whole idea behind this blog is to find those people who think alike. Now if only some people close by would respond lol


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aimeefla
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Posted on Sun, Sep 07, 2008 06:09

Quoting RWGROOT60: Aimee thank you. Your comments are real, and they make me think. Which is why I set the blog up in the first place. I don't know if there is a set of rules, but i do use aset of guidelines because i need to create a comfort zone for me and those I want to date. Sometimes I bend the guidelines, I am human after all. I just don't want to use anybody, or feel used, and that takes time and effort. I truly believe if i treat people the way I want to be treated, then I might just spark someone into taking the next step. I know I'm a dreamer, but at least in the dream the boat isn't sinking lol.

I agree that these blogs are very inspiring. Many have given me cause to re-think about the things I'm looking for in life. I'm really thankful to the core group here. They are wise,insightful and inspiring. There is nothing wrong with being a dreamer. I'm a dreamer and I know that you can dream into reality. Bring that energy to you, via whatever vehicle works for you today and everyday. Your boat won't sink as long as you don't sink yourself into depression, sadness or low self worth. I got out of that sinking boat by plugging the holes, fixing them with solid values for me. You're doing the right things, believe in yourself and things will come to you. HUGS Aimee


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 16:27

yes its amazing how fast someone can fall in love with your checkbook....now where in Africa do i send that cheque?


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wyldechild
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 15:00

Quoting RWGROOT60: Wylde...Thanks for responding. The scammers are a joke...nice to see I had you reviewing your profile lol I think it is amazing that we can discuss I agree that many are looking for the same thing. Maybe it is the process of finding that one that is confusing, wondering if we are doing the right things. I just don't want to compromise my values in the process.

The scammers seem to be out in droves. Just makes me insane. I've been winked by about 6 just within the past 3 weeks (just went back to paid membership...mmmmm, that access to emailing is the kicker). LOL, I have all things checked on my profile...he he he


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islandgal64
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 11:39

How's the strait jacket feeling Robert? lol I think the whole online dating thing is pretty weird and probably brings out qualities in some people which they would not display if you met them say at work or at a social gathering. This being a more "specialist" site attracts may exaggerate that. For example, people who may not be so popular in reality, or feel less included for whatever reason, suddenly find a forum where they get the attention they crave. That could bring out the worst in the or the best in them. If we are all true to ourselves then with any luck we will all gravitate more towards those with similar values and attitudes, and those looking for similar things. If someone's just looking for a no strings "fling" I'd rather they were up front about it so I don't mistake them for someone serious about finding a long term partner. Stick with it - you're one of the good guys and I reckon it won't be too long before you meet your match!


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 07:40

thank you China. Your opinion and kind words really made me feel appreciated. I am male but a very open one.


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 07:13

Aimee thank you. Your comments are real, and they make me think. Which is why I set the blog up in the first place. I don't know if there is a set of rules, but i do use aset of guidelines because i need to create a comfort zone for me and those I want to date. Sometimes I bend the guidelines, I am human after all. I just don't want to use anybody, or feel used, and that takes time and effort. I truly believe if i treat people the way I want to be treated, then I might just spark someone into taking the next step. I know I'm a dreamer, but at least in the dream the boat isn't sinking lol.


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 06:20

Wylde...Thanks for responding. The scammers are a joke...nice to see I had you reviewing your profile lol I think it is amazing that we can discuss I agree that many are looking for the same thing. Maybe it is the process of finding that one that is confusing, wondering if we are doing the right things. I just don't want to compromise my values in the process.


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RWGROOT60
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Posted on Sat, Sep 06, 2008 06:12

Thank you One2one. I appreciate it. Made me smile.


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petale46
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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 22:47

Love what you express here and I'll try to be as candid and honest in my answer as you were in your question. I also grew up, believing a marriage was about two people growing together. But the reality as far as I'm concerned is so far from what I was lead to believe. I dreamed of meeting someone I would be intimate with... real intimacy, not just about knowing their body, but also knowing who he really is and making an effort to be worthy of his love and him doing the same. Marriage was also about not giving up when things went wrong, but try to find solutions together. It was all about building a life with someone and knowing you could never have the same life without him or with someone else. The reality is very different. I'm 47 and men my age seem to be afraid of anything is required the most remote commitment. They only want sex and nothing more... They don`t care about who I am, what I do, what I think... as long as I have breasts, they`re ok. Another factor, from my personal experience, is physical apperance. A lot of man can not associate beauty and a full figure woman, at least it is in Quebec society. The vast majority of men would never get seriously involved with a larger woman. Finally add demographic to the recipe, about 3 women to each men in my generation in Quebec. Now take out married men and your pool of possible mates has diminished considerably. Divide that number by at least 5 as it is about the number of men who are not attracted by larger women. In the end the probability for a mate are very slim. Now, I'm 47, reached my sexual peek a few years ago and I have the libido to prove it. I'm a vibrant sexual being and like anyone else, every once in a while I want to wake up to someone else's breathing. I physically need to be held in someone's arms... It's not a question of ego or sexual desire... it's the need to be touch gently, the need for an affectionate gesture, for a connection with another human being. The sex is almost accessorie to the tenderness and touches. If I have to opportunity to meet someone that I'm attracted and also knowing that this won't lead to anything long term, helps in waiting for the more meaningful relationship, without having the feeling that I'm letting my life go by waiting for my mate and contemplate settleling for less then the real thing. But then does everyone have a mate??


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wyldechild
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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 18:08

Quoting RWGROOT60: Ty for your Response Red. I am absolutely in agreement with you. Everyone does. But if your profile says you want serious or marriage, why would you go with Friends with Benefits idea....I am not saying you but in general. Isn't that changing your focus from finding the "one" to finding one at a time. I hope i don't sound like I am passing judgement, I'm not. I truly just would like a discussion

I think some might think that friends with benefits refers to casual encounters only or "hooking" up. For me it never has. Just someone who's been a good friend in which we both happen to enjoy intimacies other than just friendship here and there. Now I have to go see if it's on my profile...LOL. Cause it's not something I'm really in need or want of at the moment. I think many people seek what you do as well for the most part, there are times when it becomes frustrating or we need a break. Besides, dealing with the scammers can get pretty damn annoying sometimes.


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 17:18

You aren't insane or out of touch. I think most of the WOMEN on here feel the same way you do. There might be some on here that are merely looking to hook up, but MOST are looking for a long term relationship. As for sex - I got lucky there. My fiance and I have great sex, but we both agree that its not the sex, but the intimate physical touching - that is the most important physical part of a relationship for us.


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aimeefla
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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 16:31

If you're insane or out of touch then you are on the same boat with many here. As red said also, we are looking for the entire package. Trouble is so many have been hurt and they don't know how to get out of that bag that they carry around. What are the rules? Do we make them up as we go? How does one get out of the bag of hurt that protects us from more hurt? How do we let that person in? How do we learn to trust again. I say trial and error. I know it's tiring, but it's a tried and true method. Take it slow, talk, if you find you have a good feeling explore more. Be brave, step out into the light or asking and learning. You survived that pain, you can again until you find what you really want. Being with another is going to cause great joy as well as pain no matter what you think. Get over it and get out there and make some connections. There are folks on here just sitting and waiting to be contacted. Well put your hands to the keyboard and talk to someone. We are looking for ONE person, there are about 200 active on here. That means that 199 will not be THE ONE for you. SO what? that's the breaks, it's that ONE that you're looking for, right? Okay I'm off my soapbox. _ \_ \_ \ =====>>>> Aimeee walking into the sunrise in Florida ;-)


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ozredhead62
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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 16:21

Quoting RWGROOT60: Ty for your Response Red. I am absolutely in agreement with you. Everyone does. But if your profile says you want serious or marriage, why would you go with Friends with Benefits idea....I am not saying you but in general. Isn't that changing your focus from finding the "one" to finding one at a time. I hope i don't sound like I am passing judgement, I'm not. I truly just would like a discussion

Really, honestly I think that at times when the dark pains of the past, or the loneness of the present hit us, we will turn towards whatever solutions we have put into place to help us deal with it. We all have different ones, some of them are healthy and some are not. Some will engross themselves with work, others alcohol, and then you will have those who will take that warm body and illusion of intimacy/love to help them through. There is the physical needs element of friends with benefits, but I dont think that this is the main thing one is trying to handle. If it was just the physical then a one night stand would be a better choice. Friends with benefits provide some of the intimacy and a somewhat pseudo feeling of love. Hard to give up if that is what you are missing in your life. Does it change your focus? Well good question. I am now beginning to believe that its just like all the other ways that we use to avoid/prevent us looking within ourself and sorting out our feelings.


Life is only as wonderful as you think it is.

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Posted on Fri, Sep 05, 2008 14:18

I think that there are an "old fashioned" core of people out there. The thing is that sex is so pushed out into your face today that those that are "old fashioned" may just go "with the flow" for an easier way of life. It isn't always easy admitting you are not on the same track as almost everyone else. No I dont think that you should be going into a padded room just yet. Just know what you want and stick to it. Make sure that you communicate what you are looking for and what you will and will not accept in a form of a friendship. It's fun to flirt, but even better to think that the relationship may just go that step beyond.. I for one want that part of a relationship to be shared on a very personal and private basis.. with someone who is not rushing me and who I know isn't just "for the sex". I had that in a marriage for to long. This time I want it MY way!!!


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