How do you love someone you have never met? This question came to my mind a few minutes ago while I was typing up a list I call "My Ideal Mate." I have nearly 40 characteristics so far that I believe have some kind of importance in the person that I feel is right for me. As I was reading over the list the smile on my face became bigger and bigger but what surprised me was the familiar warm feeling in my chest and mind. It was love...really I couldn't believe it either. What was really surprising was that when I realized I couldn't roll over and kiss him, letting him know how he made me feel...I became sad. And that's when I asked myself, "How do you love someone you have never met?"
Did you notice the question I didn't ask? I'll give you a minute.
Tick
Tick
Tick
I didn't ask, "Does this person exist?" It was no need for me to ask that question because I know he does. He is out there and if I'm as blessed as I feel, I know I...
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How do you love someone you have never met? This question came to my mind a few minutes ago while I was typing up a list I call "My Ideal Mate." I have nearly 40 characteristics so far that I believe have some kind of importance in the person that I feel is right for me. As I was reading over the list the smile on my face became bigger and bigger but what surprised me was the familiar warm feeling in my chest and mind. It was love...really I couldn't believe it either. What was really surprising was that when I realized I couldn't roll over and kiss him, letting him know how he made me feel...I became sad. And that's when I asked myself, "How do you love someone you have never met?"
Did you notice the question I didn't ask? I'll give you a minute.
Tick
Tick
Tick
I didn't ask, "Does this person exist?" It was no need for me to ask that question because I know he does. He is out there and if I'm as blessed as I feel, I know I will meet him. And yes I know I will be able to love him. I'm not crazy and I'm not expecting EVERY last thing on my list to fit this person especially since I put in some ranges. (For example Education: High School Graduate to PhD) Some people may think that because I have my BS in Psychology I would only want someone with a degree. Not true, because I know people who I feel are just as intelligent if not more as I am and they have never attended one college class in their life. And you have the idiot currently in office that went to Yale (to be a cheerleader) and we all know he's as dumb as a rock. Sorry didn't mean to offend the rock.
I don't feel strange announcing I love someone I've never met. At one time in my life I would have and no one outside of my journal would have known this, but I don't feel strange at all. I feel proud that if what I wrote down could stir and move me so much that I know if I accept nothing less in a mate for me the feelings would only be greater. Yes I have things in there like height and hair color (you know I love a good redhead), but there are things in there like Political Views, Emotional State, Parenting Skills and Household Responsibilities (50/50) too.
So how do you love someone you have never met before? Easy, you write down everything that you would love about that person and know and BELIEVE he/she exist.

So I was in my favorite thinking place, my shower, and I started to think about Angels. "Free, what would you say if an angel just appeared before you?" As the water rained down on me my mind went to work...hmm what would I say?
My first thought
...oh my goodness if an Archangel came to me I would just stand there with my mouth open like why would you come to me. Just as quickly as that thought popped in my head I corrected it. I'm worthy of any angel popping in for a visit, my grain of sand is just as special and great as anyone else's in this hourglass that we all live in. Once I got pass that I thought again? "Free, what would you say if an angel just appeared before you?"

And just like that it popped in my head.
After the first initial shock and the angel saying those magic words that would instantly let me know, yes this is my guardian angel. I would stand there with my mouth open for a moment and then with a smile on my face ...
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So I was in my favorite thinking place, my shower, and I started to think about Angels. "Free, what would you say if an angel just appeared before you?" As the water rained down on me my mind went to work...hmm what would I say?
My first thought
...oh my goodness if an Archangel came to me I would just stand there with my mouth open like why would you come to me. Just as quickly as that thought popped in my head I corrected it. I'm worthy of any angel popping in for a visit, my grain of sand is just as special and great as anyone else's in this hourglass that we all live in. Once I got pass that I thought again? "Free, what would you say if an angel just appeared before you?"

And just like that it popped in my head.
After the first initial shock and the angel saying those magic words that would instantly let me know, yes this is my guardian angel. I would stand there with my mouth open for a moment and then with a smile on my face and my hand out stretched I would say, "Can I touch your wings?" Without skipping a beat the angels wings would unfold, rising up behind the shoulders and catch the sudden waning sunlight. Just as my slow moving finger tips near the awe inspiring wings? said wing would flap me on my side and the angel would let out the biggest, bellowing laugh I would ever hear in my life. Angels have the greatest sense of humor.

So, that being said...if you believe in angels and one showed up what would be the first thing you would say to him/her. I mean after they prove to you they are an angel.

This is hysterical.....Read the WHOLE thing Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great
gift for the wife... IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TASER IS YOU BETTER FIND
OUT.........

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal s...
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This is hysterical.....Read the WHOLE thing Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great
gift for the wife... IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TASER IS YOU BETTER FIND
OUT.........

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm writing this blog as I take a break from cleaning my small walk-in closet...that I can no longer walk into because of the junk. I can't even blame the accident on the state of the closet; it was bad before the accident and only got worse afterwards. I wish I could say that I have made peace with my wrongful termination but I haven't. And a friend of mine told me that you have to get rid of the bad to get the blessings. I believe the words and the meaning behind it. That's why I'm fighting turning into a pillar of salt like Lott's Wife.

Sometimes I find myself thinking back on those 10 out of 11 good years I had with the company and I miss it so much. And that's were Lott's Wife got into trouble. You have all these happy memories and get stuck in the past. 10 years is greater than the 1 year of hell and the majority of the people were wonderful. (One bad apple doesn't spoil the hold bunch.) Here's were the problem comes in, who's to say God had not plan for Lott'...
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I'm writing this blog as I take a break from cleaning my small walk-in closet...that I can no longer walk into because of the junk. I can't even blame the accident on the state of the closet; it was bad before the accident and only got worse afterwards. I wish I could say that I have made peace with my wrongful termination but I haven't. And a friend of mine told me that you have to get rid of the bad to get the blessings. I believe the words and the meaning behind it. That's why I'm fighting turning into a pillar of salt like Lott's Wife.

Sometimes I find myself thinking back on those 10 out of 11 good years I had with the company and I miss it so much. And that's were Lott's Wife got into trouble. You have all these happy memories and get stuck in the past. 10 years is greater than the 1 year of hell and the majority of the people were wonderful. (One bad apple doesn't spoil the hold bunch.) Here's were the problem comes in, who's to say God had not plan for Lott's Wife to have riches beyond her wildest dreams. She was so fixed on those happy memories she couldn't move forward to the memories ahead of her. They had to be grand to be saved from what was in the past, right?

I didn't do anything wrong and did not deserve to be terminated. I told the truth, I reported people falsifying information and fixing reports. And yet, I'm the one unemployed and my brain can't wrap around how telling the truth put me in this situation. And that's when it hits me...I AM Lott's wife. Also it hit me where the term being called salty comes from...LOL. I am salty about my situation, but I believe it's only a thin crust on me (I hope). I'm going to move forward, because I know I was taken out of a bad situation and the reason I'm not in a better is no one's fault but mine. My blessings are in front of me, all I have to do is reach out to get them.

...and knowing is half the battle, Go Joe!
- GI Joe Battle Cry

I often times feel that I am placed in my friends life for various reasons to help them, but I have one friend that I know was placed in my life by God to teach and expose me to things that I would never know was around me. I may not always let her know just how important her friendship is to me but she might know after this blog. Let's just call her Lady D from here on out.

I've never been much of a girly girl and until about two years ago I never wore make-up. That's where Lady D comes into the picture. About a year before this infamous make-up incident, Lady D came into my life as a co-worker and quickly became a good friend with "interesting" arts and crafts projects?LOL. Anyway as Lady D was broadening my "creative" horizons I thought maybe I would increase my girliness (ok, it's word in my vocabulary). There was this co-worker that I was very impressed with her ...
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...and knowing is half the battle, Go Joe!
- GI Joe Battle Cry

I often times feel that I am placed in my friends life for various reasons to help them, but I have one friend that I know was placed in my life by God to teach and expose me to things that I would never know was around me. I may not always let her know just how important her friendship is to me but she might know after this blog. Let's just call her Lady D from here on out.

I've never been much of a girly girl and until about two years ago I never wore make-up. That's where Lady D comes into the picture. About a year before this infamous make-up incident, Lady D came into my life as a co-worker and quickly became a good friend with "interesting" arts and crafts projects?LOL. Anyway as Lady D was broadening my "creative" horizons I thought maybe I would increase my girliness (ok, it's word in my vocabulary). There was this co-worker that I was very impressed with her make-up skills. And I asked her if she would help me learn how to wear make-up without looking like a clown. To this day I believe way too many black women need lessons on applying make-up successfully, which is why it wasn't until I turned 31 before I thought I would take on the challenge for myself. This co-worker took me to the MAC store in the mall and the make-up guy picked some colors and products and applied them to my face at lunch. According to people at work he did a great job, and I must admit it wasn't all that bad. Lady D must have called and rounded up everyone to come stare at me and I thought I would die. Honestly it just didn't feel like my face especially when I looked in the mirror.

Well for most people the story would end there, but you have to remember that I hadn't worn anything more then the occasional (rarely) brownish, red lipstick in 31 years. So I get home and I know I need to get the make-up off my face...but how. I didn't have any make-up remover and I only used a washcloth and warm water to wash my face daily. I had sense enough to know that water was not going to be enough to get the job done and I didn't want a break out just because I wanted to look cute. *sigh* As I looked around my bathroom sink and under the cabinet I knew I had to get creative. I washed my face and began to towel dry it. That's when I saw it, foundation residue on my towel and I wondered how the hell am I going to get that out my towel. Then I realized how the hell am I going to get this stuff off my face.
At this point I wondered why women wore make-up and how safe is it if you can't get it off your face. I sighed and figured I needed to buy some make-up remover during lunch the next day. Knowing Lady D was the queen of product, I thought I would give her a call, for advice or to save me a trip to the store. This was still early in our friendship so I think Lady D still had some disbelief in my line of thinking, but after this I?m sure she never questioned it again. After some small talk I asked, "What else could I use to get this make-up off?" To which she replied, "Do you have some remover?" she listed some other items to which most I said nope. "...how about some facial cleaner?" I had these Oil of Olay facial cleansing pads but I read the box and it didn't say anything about make-up remover. That's when I heard her sigh on the other end of the line. "How was I supposed to know if the box didn't say anything, now I have to figure out how to get this stuff off my towel?" I think that's when it clicked in her head that I might have attempted to clean my face prior to the phone call.

"NoDrama, did you try to remove the make-up before you called me?" Well, that's when it clicked in my head; I might not have used the best method in my first attempt. So my reply was, "huh?" I did my best to redirect my attention and avoid her questions, but she's good and I had to confess. "Ok, I used the anti-bacterial hand soap to wash this stuff off." I don't think it's a combination of letters to spell out the sound I heard on the other end of the phone. I can't really remember the rest of the conversation but I got my butt chewed out. How was I suppose to know I wasn't suppose to use the anti-bacterial soap, I figured it was safe because it was "anti-bacterial." Come on, who wouldn't have made that mistake?

So knowing is half the battle and now I know. For my 32nd birthday, Lady D gave me some facial products...LOL. Thanks!

What is it about me that is so unappealing I cannot find or keep a man? I don't usually ask this question, but I've been trying to reevaluate my life. I must admit that because I loved my job, a lot of my world revolved around it. I guess that's why it seems everywhere I turn, it's a reminder of what use to be and I'm trying so very hard to live it the present, welcoming the future. But that's getting off subject. Now that the job isn't a big infrequence it seems that I'm more focused on the love life.

It's strange how whether online or in person guys will say, "Oh, I'm just looking for friends," yet if they do not find you attractive, it is no longer a reason to talk to you. A lot of the times it feels that if they (men) don't have a use (whatever it is) for you there is no reason to keep you around. So I guess my question really should be, "What is it about me that guys feel is so useless to them?" Ok, let's take the job thing out of the equati...
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What is it about me that is so unappealing I cannot find or keep a man? I don't usually ask this question, but I've been trying to reevaluate my life. I must admit that because I loved my job, a lot of my world revolved around it. I guess that's why it seems everywhere I turn, it's a reminder of what use to be and I'm trying so very hard to live it the present, welcoming the future. But that's getting off subject. Now that the job isn't a big infrequence it seems that I'm more focused on the love life.

It's strange how whether online or in person guys will say, "Oh, I'm just looking for friends," yet if they do not find you attractive, it is no longer a reason to talk to you. A lot of the times it feels that if they (men) don't have a use (whatever it is) for you there is no reason to keep you around. So I guess my question really should be, "What is it about me that guys feel is so useless to them?" Ok, let's take the job thing out of the equation since that's temporary (hell, I've been working since high school nonstop until now). That being said I support myself, any luxury I have I've worked hard to get buy, make or fix it; all with enjoyment and completing my goal in mind. I'm strong and independent but very supportive of everyone around me. If I climbed a mountain I would trail a rope behind me to help those that follow. Is that a weakness?

"You're too good for me." How many times have I heard that? If I was a different person it would go to my head. I use to think...oh that's just BS, but I heard Dr. Phil say one day...if a guy tells you that, believe him, he knows himself better than you do. It makes since to me now, especially since some of those same guys turned around and treated the next girlfriend like crap (or worse). It could be they were doing me a favor by walking away. It still hurts no matter how you cut it. So is the question really, "Why am I picking such low quality guys?"

I know relationships are about more than having someone to dance in a light, summer rain. I know it?s more than that gentle, welcome home hug and kiss. As a good listener I am ready for the challenge. So I'm going to say the real question might be, "Where are the men, the real men that can handle a mature woman that has so much to offer?"

In reading some male blogs, blogs comments and profiles there seems to be a repeated theme of wanting "someone comfortable in their own skin," "confident BBW," and "someone who can take a compliment." And all I want to say to these men is "WAKE UP!" Now I'm not going to tell you that every BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) is proud of her size and walks around with her head up, which would be untrue. But if society was excepting of BBW's and BHM (Big Handsome Men) then there would not be a need for this site. Women that are all shapes and sizes have days when they do not feel so "sexy" and that's ok. It's a little harder for a BBW because even on the days that we believe that we are at our sexiest it only takes one disapproving look or overlook to shatter our spirit.

To give an example, I'm a confident and outspoken person on most days. One day I was at my sexiest, nice fitting clothes, make-up on and hair freshly done...no on...
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In reading some male blogs, blogs comments and profiles there seems to be a repeated theme of wanting "someone comfortable in their own skin," "confident BBW," and "someone who can take a compliment." And all I want to say to these men is "WAKE UP!" Now I'm not going to tell you that every BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) is proud of her size and walks around with her head up, which would be untrue. But if society was excepting of BBW's and BHM (Big Handsome Men) then there would not be a need for this site. Women that are all shapes and sizes have days when they do not feel so "sexy" and that's ok. It's a little harder for a BBW because even on the days that we believe that we are at our sexiest it only takes one disapproving look or overlook to shatter our spirit.

To give an example, I'm a confident and outspoken person on most days. One day I was at my sexiest, nice fitting clothes, make-up on and hair freshly done...no one couldn't tell me anything. I was walking around flirting left and right and then it happened. My good friend, who is tall, slender and beautiful inside and out, went out with me. And there went any attention I was drawing my way. At first I felt like a little troll standing next to her, but it's only because my friend is such a wonderful person that that I regained my footing. When guys tried to exclude me from conversations or almost stand in front of me to talk to her, she turned her back on them and talked to me directly. Soon only the quality guys were around us and the conversation was great, with everyone involved. And this only happened because of the person my friend is and the person I am. The evening could have gone in a whole different direction, a very painful direction for me at least.

So WAKE UP guys! Just because you claim to be that guy that enjoys a full figured woman it doesn't mean she hasn't heard that before. I've heard my male friends talk about "trying" to be nice to the fat friend so they can get the skinny chick. I held my friend as she tearfully told me the story of a guy she had a crush on tell her he only dates fat girls in the winter time to keep him warm. No one wants someone that is needy all the time, but to think that a woman who most likely has been excluded most of her life due to her size can just be confident and comfortable with her size is unreal. I can only speak for myself, in the beginning of a relationship (friendship) it can be a little nerve racking, but once it settles down that confidence and outspoken nature will appear. And yes it's related to how I'm being treated by the guy, because if he makes me feel uncomfortable he won't see the confidence. And now that I'm more mature the only thing he will see is my backside as I walk away.

I felt a need to write this after reading some comments. Dealing with people trying to fire me for not kissing a$$, I like coming to LF an being able to kick back, relax and express my feelings freely. And everyone has a right to do that, but no one has a right to attack another. But if you are willing to attack someone you have to be prepared to be attacked back.

I wish I could say I'm not taking sides but I am. There are some good people having their character attacked and other good people being attacked for standing up for their friends. What I can't stand is every time it starts to die down, someone comes along for what ever reason and brings everything back up.

All I ask is that we put the "friend" back in Large Friends. Stop swinging blindly, we don't know what happened. And stop swinging at people that will support their friends. You wouldn't call someone your friend if they did not stand up for you when you need them...would you?

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I felt a need to write this after reading some comments. Dealing with people trying to fire me for not kissing a$$, I like coming to LF an being able to kick back, relax and express my feelings freely. And everyone has a right to do that, but no one has a right to attack another. But if you are willing to attack someone you have to be prepared to be attacked back.

I wish I could say I'm not taking sides but I am. There are some good people having their character attacked and other good people being attacked for standing up for their friends. What I can't stand is every time it starts to die down, someone comes along for what ever reason and brings everything back up.

All I ask is that we put the "friend" back in Large Friends. Stop swinging blindly, we don't know what happened. And stop swinging at people that will support their friends. You wouldn't call someone your friend if they did not stand up for you when you need them...would you?

I hope the people that I call my friends on this site realize this is in support of them as it hurts me to see them attacked. And I hope the people that keeps attacking know that it's past old and that they should let sleeping dogs lie (wink). Let's agree to disagree and walk away.

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great holiday.

I need some legal or otherwise advice. I'm at my wits end with the job. 10 years at a company and never had to go to HR now I'm in there almost every week or emailing the manager. The VP, Director and Manager are all friends so I have nowhere to turn. All they keep telling me is to find another job, but no one is trying to help me with the Manager and Supervisor that are writing me up for things that they are letting the other 7 members of the dept get away with.

Today, I had to go into the office while everyone else was given the option of a Company paid day off. I showed them where I came across the other members "falsifying" information and I got in trouble for reporting it.

Honestly the only reason they have not fired me is because I broke my ankle on the job and have been battling that for a little over a year. I have never mentioned a lawsuit but every time I go to see the HR Manage...
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Hey everyone, I hope you all had a great holiday.

I need some legal or otherwise advice. I'm at my wits end with the job. 10 years at a company and never had to go to HR now I'm in there almost every week or emailing the manager. The VP, Director and Manager are all friends so I have nowhere to turn. All they keep telling me is to find another job, but no one is trying to help me with the Manager and Supervisor that are writing me up for things that they are letting the other 7 members of the dept get away with.

Today, I had to go into the office while everyone else was given the option of a Company paid day off. I showed them where I came across the other members "falsifying" information and I got in trouble for reporting it.

Honestly the only reason they have not fired me is because I broke my ankle on the job and have been battling that for a little over a year. I have never mentioned a lawsuit but every time I go to see the HR Manager he mentions I don't have a case for a lawsuit. At this point I'm starting to wonder if I do have a case.

It has to be a way to stop them from harassing me until I can find another job. HELP!

This is one of my funnier blogs. It really did happen about 2 years ago.

About 2 years ago, I was being hard headed and thought I could out run a sinus infection. I had things to do, places to go and no time to be sick. Anyway, by the time I went to the doctor I had pneumonia, a sinus and ear infection and one very nasty cough. The thing about mind over matter is that the mind eventually has to take a break, and all those things that you have been hiding from yourself will appear. So needless to say, I went straight home from the doctor's with my 101 fever to Eckerd .

I had 3 items to pick up 1) Antibiotics 2) Codeine cough syrup and 3) The Miracle Pill (women we all know this pill well, you need it when you're on antibiotics)

I've never taken codeine before, so I followed all the little warnings on the side of the bottle. I fixed something to eat, sweating all along from the fever. Forced myself to eat all of it and carefully measured the ...
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This is one of my funnier blogs. It really did happen about 2 years ago.

About 2 years ago, I was being hard headed and thought I could out run a sinus infection. I had things to do, places to go and no time to be sick. Anyway, by the time I went to the doctor I had pneumonia, a sinus and ear infection and one very nasty cough. The thing about mind over matter is that the mind eventually has to take a break, and all those things that you have been hiding from yourself will appear. So needless to say, I went straight home from the doctor's with my 101 fever to Eckerd .

I had 3 items to pick up 1) Antibiotics 2) Codeine cough syrup and 3) The Miracle Pill (women we all know this pill well, you need it when you're on antibiotics)

I've never taken codeine before, so I followed all the little warnings on the side of the bottle. I fixed something to eat, sweating all along from the fever. Forced myself to eat all of it and carefully measured the prescribed amount into the cup. Because I never know what I?m going to be allergic to or how medication will affect me, I reached for the phone. I called my sister to tell her about the doctors and the medicine. Then I called one of my friends here in Atlanta and took the codeine cough syrup. I talked on the phone for about an hour with no effects. As I was getting off the phone, I started moving around and then I started to feel dizzy.

Side note- I have trained my kids (Kats) to go to bed, in their own room by 11 pm. I give them a treat and close the door. I'm a light sleeper.

Back to the story. I put the kids to bed and carefully climbed the 15 stairs to my bedroom. Which was the last thing I remembered until around 2 am in the morning. At which time I woke up to find a dog curled up on my bedroom floor...it was a pretty big one too. Did I mention I don't have a dog? I was trying not to panic and I especially didn't want to wake the dog. My mind was racing...did I leave the door open, how long has it been in my room, it's laying between me in the bed and the door to safety, did it eat my kids, where's the phone, how can the police get to me without breaking down the door and setting off the alarm? All the while, I'm looking at this dog in my bedroom and trying not to wake it, so I tried to calm down and think my way out of this.

Inside my head

"No Drama, relax and move very slowly." I was reaching for my flashlight. It is a small flashlight and couldn't hurt a fly, but I slowly took my arm from under the covers. "It's ok, it's ok, ND, just move slowly" My head was swimming and it looked like I could see the dog breathing. I got to the flashlight and flicked it on as I prepared to throw myself to the other side of the bed and make a mad dash for the bathroom. Needless to say, the light exposed my clothes in a heap on the floor. Somewhere between the top of the stairs and my bed, I had stripped and left my clothes in a pile on the floor, which I never do. Once my heart stopped racing I went back to sleep.

In the morning I read the warning paper again that was stuffed in the bag with the medications...

"May cause hallucinations"

It's a funny thing about memories you never know when one from so many years ago will rise up and put a smile on your face. As I was jamming to some 80's tunes while sitting in Atlanta traffic, I thought to myself "Man, I miss the stoop." Just in case, a stoop is the city version of a porch. It's the stone steps to the apartment buildings. I remember sitting out there with a family, friends and neighbors from the building. Scareface has a rap about "My Block" but each building was really like its own community. Living across the street could have been a town away. People moved from one apartment within the same building to another based off of family needs, hardly anyone just "moved away." Here in Atlanta it seems people change apartment communities like they do their underwear...just my opinion.

I loved our stoop; it had two tiers with a small courtyard like space in between before you reached the locked entrance. I guess you could c...
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It's a funny thing about memories you never know when one from so many years ago will rise up and put a smile on your face. As I was jamming to some 80's tunes while sitting in Atlanta traffic, I thought to myself "Man, I miss the stoop." Just in case, a stoop is the city version of a porch. It's the stone steps to the apartment buildings. I remember sitting out there with a family, friends and neighbors from the building. Scareface has a rap about "My Block" but each building was really like its own community. Living across the street could have been a town away. People moved from one apartment within the same building to another based off of family needs, hardly anyone just "moved away." Here in Atlanta it seems people change apartment communities like they do their underwear...just my opinion.

I loved our stoop; it had two tiers with a small courtyard like space in between before you reached the locked entrance. I guess you could call it the city version of a gated community...LOL. There were four large, square pillars (two on each level) about six feet tall from the bottom up. Now if you were standing on the top step an adult could easily see over the flat top of it. As a small child I was beside myself with joy when I was able to an arm across the top. Now if you went around the back of the pillar and could reach the first decorative brick work ridge you could climb up and sit on the top or if you were lucky you could get a boost. I could only climb up on the one on the left by myself because it had a crack below the ridge that allowed me to reach the ridge with the ultimate goal of dinging my legs over the edge while watching people go by. The world was a really tall place for me for a very long time.

There were always people on the block, people you knew, people you trusted. One day, I somehow missed meeting up with my sister and walked home by myself. Of course I didn't have a key to get in, I think I got one the next year; it was placed on a red corded chain that went around my neck. I was so big time then. Anyway, I went up to the neighborhood elderly guys and asked if they would baby-sit me until my sister got there. They did and my family gets a good laugh out of that 'til this day. No one would dare touch "Boots'" kids; my dad had much respect on the block. There was someone other than the guys that baby sat me that day but I didn't noticed then.

My unsung baby-sitter was named Hobo; he was the block's dog. If I interjected my childhood memory with my adult knowledge I would say Hobo was a large yellow Labrador that needed a hair cut (brushed) and a bath. He didn't really stink but the yellow was faded and had dark, dirty patches around it. He was a friendly dog, too friendly at times because people would steal his dog collar purchased by various people on the block. A collar and his decreasing speed was the only thing between his freedom and the pound. Everyday I would save half of my school snack for Hobo. And on special occasions he would meet me at the top of the hill and walk me home, even after receiving his half of the cookie, cup cake, apple or orange slices. And if he didn't look too dirty I would pet him. Hobo always listened to my stories and never made fun of my speech impediment. I never thought anything of it, Hobo was just there. I loved him as if he was my own dog which he often came along for her walks too.

Here is the part of the memory that brings happy tears to my eyes. One day when I was walking home from school alone the world became quite. This was NYC but everything had gone quite, no cars, no trains in the background and strangely enough there weren't any people. There was a bodega on every corner but even at that age I realized no one was around. I turned onto my street and not even the old men were sitting outside. And none of this scared me...why should I have been scared; I was standing in front of my building. That's when I saw the first dog standing between the stoop and me. I wasn't afraid of dogs but it was clear this one wasn't friendly. So I attempted to make my way around it. And that's when I saw dog number two, three, four and five. Where they appeared from I don't know but I was surrounded and they were growling. I knew not to run and I was much to scared to scream. I knew I couldn't let them knock me down through I felt so small we could have been at eye level to each other. And I knew to protect my neck and face but what I didn't know was how on Earth I was going to get away and into the building at least the first door. I would have to run up two tiers of steps and open a heavy, black metal door without the dogs getting in too. The tears started.

Just as the circle stared closing in Hobo came out of nowhere and my furry baby-sitter turned into this huge, dirty yellow wolf-like animal and started kicking butt. He took on the pack and they tried to take him on. I took off as fast as I could with my book bag swinging as back up until I reached the door to safety. I could only see a little of the fight and wasn't going out there to check. I hit the button and I "think" it was my mother that buzzed me into the building. What I do know for sure is I went upstairs and made two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and when my sister got home and we could go downstairs I took my hero his victory meal.

Ok, if you are still reading I will tell you why this memory is so powerful for me. I felt safe then, not just because of Hobo; who I'm sure saved my life, but safe to sit with old men without getting molested. And when I needed help it came running without me uttering a single word. I miss being protected like that, I miss having someone run out of nowhere to put them self between me and the danger. Now I would do it for the ones I love and any small child but I miss having it possibly returned. I'm going to get it back because recently it has been coming to me what exactly I am looking for and what I will put up with and the more focus I have the more blessing I will have in finding it.

One night I had a dream, but it was like no other. I saw a pregnant lady sitting on her knees in a strange living room in a home I had never seen before. She was watching a baby taking some of his first clumsy steps toward a couch. And I felt as if I was there, my heart raced as I beckoned him on to reach his goal. And as he lurched towards the couch barely making the last few steps, I smiled in victory with him. And then my heart stopped as his little face turned towards me. The first thing I noticed was his beautiful green eyes but it was those cheeks that caused the air to catch in my throat. They were mine and the woman I saw was me. I was looking at myself watching my child cross a room to get to...his father.

Sometimes I still see those green eyes when I close mine, when I take a deep breath, when I am a lone with my thoughts. If it is possible to miss someone that never existed, then I miss that child, I miss him a lot. It doesn't help that I keep running into peopl...
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One night I had a dream, but it was like no other. I saw a pregnant lady sitting on her knees in a strange living room in a home I had never seen before. She was watching a baby taking some of his first clumsy steps toward a couch. And I felt as if I was there, my heart raced as I beckoned him on to reach his goal. And as he lurched towards the couch barely making the last few steps, I smiled in victory with him. And then my heart stopped as his little face turned towards me. The first thing I noticed was his beautiful green eyes but it was those cheeks that caused the air to catch in my throat. They were mine and the woman I saw was me. I was looking at myself watching my child cross a room to get to...his father.

Sometimes I still see those green eyes when I close mine, when I take a deep breath, when I am a lone with my thoughts. If it is possible to miss someone that never existed, then I miss that child, I miss him a lot. It doesn't help that I keep running into people with green eyes though green is not a common color. I don't think it's fair that my inability to find a good man should affect my ability to be a good parent to a two legged child (yes my kats count). So, I've come to the conclusion that after I get out of this job situation that I am going to start real preparation for a family.

I know being a single mother is hard and that part I'm not looking forward to facing, but life can be hard sometimes. I'm not giving up finding that guy that I can wake up next to every morning with a smile on my face. But if he is really out there, not only could he love me but he could love my child. And yes I know the odds of really having a child with green eyes...LOL. It's ok, I just want a healthy child, well maybe two.

Today I went to Goodyear Tires in need of one tire. Yes just one tire, long story. Anyway just as they were lowering my car on the rack, this guy walks in the door. I could tell he was shorter than me but it was something about him. He had one of those one-piece, blue, mechanic's jumpsuits on. The top was down and arms tied around his waist. I smiled at the faded white t-shirt that was clean but still said he had been working on his car all day. I'll refer to him as The Mechanic from now on. The Mechanic repeatedly looked out the window towards his car. I thought maybe a child or his girlfriend was in there.

As I walked up to the counter to pay for my service, I took a closer looker look at The Mechanic. I could see his warm, grey-blue eyes and dirty fingernails. I do so love a man with some dirt on him. It's so many ways to clean it off. Once I pulled my mind back from fantasy I notice the longing look The Mechanic was giving, well how I can say this, he was looking at...
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Today I went to Goodyear Tires in need of one tire. Yes just one tire, long story. Anyway just as they were lowering my car on the rack, this guy walks in the door. I could tell he was shorter than me but it was something about him. He had one of those one-piece, blue, mechanic's jumpsuits on. The top was down and arms tied around his waist. I smiled at the faded white t-shirt that was clean but still said he had been working on his car all day. I'll refer to him as The Mechanic from now on. The Mechanic repeatedly looked out the window towards his car. I thought maybe a child or his girlfriend was in there.

As I walked up to the counter to pay for my service, I took a closer looker look at The Mechanic. I could see his warm, grey-blue eyes and dirty fingernails. I do so love a man with some dirt on him. It's so many ways to clean it off. Once I pulled my mind back from fantasy I notice the longing look The Mechanic was giving, well how I can say this, he was looking at his car as if the sexiest woman in the world was walking by. And for a split second I was envious of a car. I looked out the window to see a car that looked like it was in the process of being painted and primed. And there were brand new tires and shiny new rims. The car slowly rolled by and those grey-blue eyes never left it. And to no one in particular he said, "Oh, I think those rims are a good choice, yeah they look really good." It was no more than a whisper and it sounded like audio sex.

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I read this article on "Race remarks get Noble Prize winner in trouble." It was about the Noble Prize winner James Watson, who helped to discover DNA.

(He told the paper he hoped that everyone was equal, but added: "people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.") This was one quote; he also said people with darker skin have higher sex drives.

Maybe I'm so upset and near tears because I had a hard day at work or maybe because way too many males (black and white) have every race selected except African American. I stand up for myself and I'm labeled as an angry black woman. Even black women have told me not to be "so direct" that I can be intimidating. I'm 5'6" on a good day when the wind is blowing in the right direction, how can I be intimidating?

James Watson isn't some radio Disc Jockey, this man helped to discover the blueprint of life for Pete's sake. And I can?t explain the hurt I feel...
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I read this article on "Race remarks get Noble Prize winner in trouble." It was about the Noble Prize winner James Watson, who helped to discover DNA.

(He told the paper he hoped that everyone was equal, but added: "people who have to deal with black employees find this not true.") This was one quote; he also said people with darker skin have higher sex drives.

Maybe I'm so upset and near tears because I had a hard day at work or maybe because way too many males (black and white) have every race selected except African American. I stand up for myself and I'm labeled as an angry black woman. Even black women have told me not to be "so direct" that I can be intimidating. I'm 5'6" on a good day when the wind is blowing in the right direction, how can I be intimidating?

James Watson isn't some radio Disc Jockey, this man helped to discover the blueprint of life for Pete's sake. And I can?t explain the hurt I feel right now. Really I think it's the stress at work that is wearing me down. I have more moments of happiness than these moments, but when I'm hurt I try to reach out. I'm working on a funny blog, I just haven't finished it. So please don't think I'm always so sad, I really do laugh more than I cry. I guess I'm in such disbelief.

Everyone is welcome to comment, but if you are one of those men that have selected just about every race but African American, I really would like to hear from you. I would like to know what's so unappealing about a black woman.