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Romance, sub and dom do they mix? Sort by:
wyldechild
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Posted on Mon, Dec 03, 2007 18:26

Re: ladyhawke1 write: Well said wyldechild :)

Grazie...and great posts from Blue and SDLrgLady too. I think many don't realize that D/s does not have to include B/D (bondage/discipline) or S/M (sadism/masochism). They are three separate pieces that can be individual or work together. It all depends on the couple. D/s doesn't have to include using titles like Mistress/Master, asking for permission to do things, outfits, etc. and for most D/s couples, they are equal partners. D/s doesn't mean stronger and weaker, far from it. One last thought as well. How do you define romance? And why would it be any different for a couple in a D/s relationship? Having someone brush my hair, make me dinner, go to a movie with me or me giving them romantic notes, a present or flowers just because? No different than anyone else.


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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 19:25

Well, there is absolutely nothing vanilla about my sex life... LOL... but I still don't relate romance with dom/sub. I have experienced the whole dom/sub thing (along with a whole lot more) and I just don't see the "romance" of it. Maybe I have a totally different viewpoint of romance. Oh well... just my opinion. Variety is the spice of life!


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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 16:53

Well said wyldechild :)


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bigtom77
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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 15:42

Hi all, I just can't see where sub/dom could lead to romance. I think that we have to see someone as our equal to be romantic. like Amy said I am answering without any knowledge of this kinda thing but I also don't think that sub/dom people are looking for romance. I beleive these two things are as far apart as FL and CA there is too much between them to link them together easly(if that made sense)---Tom


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wyldechild
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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 15:34

God yes!!! There is nothing in a D/s life that says flowers, hand holding, kissing, kids, fun, play, life, etc. are not part of a relationship. Often in a healthy D/s relationship there are trust and communication levels above and beyond what is often found in a standard "vanilla" relationship. I have two very special submissive friends that mean more to me than anyone ever has. We talk about life, work, kids, home, how we feel, our desires for life, etc. as well as exploring our D/s desires. The trust I have in them and vice versa is unimaginable for most. It is all integrated, there is no "line" between our D/s interests and our lives. It all fits together. Unfortunately the media has really portrayed the D/s lifestyle in a very limited way. Whips, leather corsets, pony play (as Nat mentioned), bondage, etc. is only a small part of the lifestyle. It is significantly above and beyond the physical. It is emotional, mental and playful as well. And for the general bdsm population, what you see on tv or magazines, etc. is not how they live their lives. There are many couples that have almost a completely vanilla sexual relationship and the power exchange does not happen 24/7. There are others that live a more bd/sm lifestyle. I would have to say with the advent of the internet, which brought about some wonderful ways to communicate and learn, it's also pushed the stereotypical imagery of the lifestyle as well. I could go on more but it's a very extensive subject to write about. Granted there are relationships that appease only the kinks between a dom and a sub. You'll find that in the vanilla world as well. Women looking for men to take care of them, men looking for women into sex. People looking for others to give them meaning, purpose, etc. You can read about it here on the boards in fact. I was introduced to the lifestyle over 15 years ago. I have not lived my life that way all the time since then but even in my marriage there was a distinct D/s underpinning. And now, I would never go back to a standard vanilla relationship.


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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 13:53

Hi Amy, I'd have to agree, also from the outside looking in, just the control factor, if it's an all the time thing, would bother me. Romance waxes and wanes in any relationship. To maintain a high level of romance is difficult. However to keep the fires burning might include many different things for any relationship. As you said an occasional splash of spice is good for the soul. Some excitement now and then - being the proverbial "bad boy or gal" is fun ! I've seen shows on the D/S part of life. I don't know how far anyone goes with it in their personal lives but some of the shows were down right demoralizing to me. One show was about one person being a horse in full harness and bit and being wiped. The curious had to watch the entire show. Bottom line, to each his or her own and more power to them. They don't thrust it on me and that's the way life is supposed to be. Natalie


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SweetCicely
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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 12:50

Hey Ni! As per usual, I am going to jump in with a not entirely formed opinion. I see romance and the sub/dom relationship having different uses. Romance feeds a particular need for a feeling of intimacy/connection/specialness and what I have observed of sub/dom lifestyles that relationship serves needs for feelings of place and belonging/power. However, I have heard people who are lifestyle subs/doms say that their relationships also serve their need for intimacy, but I don't see that, looking at it from the outside. Perhaps the crucial point is the purpose behind the relationship. Simply playing games with power may not qualify as D/s, and D/s can meet suprising needs in a way very different from that of traditional romance. I guess what I am (eventually) getting at is that if D/s meets a persons needs for intimacy then, no, romance is not likely. However, if D/s roleplaying is simply an occasional spice in a relationship, I don't see why romance would be out of the question. Amy a-sittin'-on-the-fence


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bluegirl2006
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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 10:54

Oh yes. Romance can definitely exist in a dom/sub relationship. But it is something that should occur naturally. There are many variations of this type of relationship and each is different. Some exist only in the bedroom. Some exist in all aspects of the relationship. Some take it to extremes and include some s&m type behaviors. Some barely touch the realm of d/s. And some couples take turns with one being the dom most of the time, but switching off on some occasions. I think the key to having romance in a dom/sub relationship is a lack of humiliation. A dom can be a dom without humiliating the sub. When humiliation becomes a part of the relationship respect becomes lost. I don't believe you can have romance (or love) without respect. Another key aspect for someone looking to have this type of relationship is not to force any part of it on your partner. You can introduce the subject, and discuss it a bit, but you have to let your partner take the next step and never NEVER push your partner beyond their comfort zone. Speaking purely from the female perspective, if the female is the dom she can feel very loved because her sub virtually worships her. He puts her needs and desires above his own. He pampers her. If the male is the dom the female can still feel very loved because he takes care of her and protects her. And believe it or not there is power in being a sub...in giving control to someone else you gain a very different sort of power. And it can be very pleasurable to be rewarded when your dom thinks you've been a good girl. Does this help?


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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 09:47

I agree.... a romantic experience is one of give and take... equally meeting your partners needs and wants.... a dom/sub experience is a little lopsided if you ask me. I am not into myself... never have been really.


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truefriendinme
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Posted on Sun, Dec 02, 2007 09:13

I suppose if one partner is one and the other is the opposite? But it's not for me. I like to be a little of both, minus the chains and whips!


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