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AGAINST THE CODE OF SISTERHOOD? Sort by:
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gurlydd
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Posted on Sat, Jun 17, 2006 15:32

Two years ago when I was still living in New York and visiting Connecticut during the weekends, I met a guy. As I was exiting the train in Connecticut, he slipped me a note telling me about himself and leaving me his phone number. My best friend convinced me to give him a call. We talk and set up a dinner date. However, because of my schedule and his mother's illness, we had to cancel. We were not able to reschedule because, two weeks later, he was leaving to teach in Lithuania for a year. We did not keep in touch. A week ago he emailed me and wanted to get reacquainted. The instant I finished reading, I called my best friend, who is now my roomate. To both of our surprises he had emailed her also, except her email was through a dating site. She wrote him back and told him that we knew one another and that he would have to choose between us. I was totally uncomfortable with her giving him the opportunity to choose between best friends. Considering that I had met him two years before, I thought it proper that she walk away from the situation and give us a chance to get to know one another. But since she did not, I did. I shared my discomfort with both of them and let the man know that if he chose to date my roommate, then I would FOREVER be off limits to him. So the two of them set a dinner and movie date for the next day. My friend actually wanted me to help her choose an outfit for the date. I decided to be a good friend and helped her. The date was a disaster and they quickly discovered that they would not be a good match. The next day the man sent my friend an email which basically insulted her appearance and said that her internet dating profile was highly misleading. He wrote that, had he known, he would have chosen to date me instead. She was, understandable, crushed. I stayed up until 2 o'clock in the morning consoling her. At work on Monday, he sent me an email which basically reiterated what he had written to my friend and asking me if I would reconsider dating him. I, of course, said no. I also told my friend about his email. She said that it would be a betrayal for me to date him. I had already told him no and to please not contact me again. I mean, who writes an email debriefing a date? I was upset with him because he had hurt and disappointed my best friend, but I was also upset with her. I feel like it was a betrayal for her to have gone on a date with him in the first place. She took a week off of work to throw herself a pity party and expected me to join in. Am I overreacting or did my friend actually break the sisterhood code?


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lovegoddess2006
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Posted on Sun, Aug 20, 2006 21:26

Let me get this straight, you hadn't seen/ heard from this guy in like 2 years, you never went on a date with him, and your room-mate is not allowed to go out with him? OK, so luckily for you both he turned out to be a world class jerk and you are both right to not speak with him anymore. But face it, men will come and go, your friends are here to stay. She should have bowed out gracefully, but you shouldn't have demanded it. You should have BOTH told him that it would be an all in all uncomfortable situation and let him move on. But since that wasn't the case, tell your friend your sorry she was hurt but a week long pitty party is too much even for the faint of heart and she needs to get over it and move along. It was one date for crying out loud!!! You'll both have other dates and eventually find Mr. Right (or at least Mr. Rightnow).


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kissyroo06
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Posted on Thu, Aug 17, 2006 14:36

That was like a 2 way betrayal!! A. u were right she should have just walked away graciously B. he should have not agreed to choose between you The good news is it sounds like he would have a total chump. At least it was your roomate who was up all night feeling upset instead of you! Good luck! kissyroo06


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dteddy69
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Posted on Thu, Aug 17, 2006 13:04

I have a question, 'Why do women claim men'. And why is it that if you claim him that he's off limits to anyone that may know you. This is crazy. Neither of you have the right of domain. You barely knew the guy. As a mature woman you need to know that people date as a way of getting to know someone to see if there's anything worth pursuing. If you stop claiming then this wouldn't be and issue. I'm my view you both were wrong. She for going out with him and lying on her profile. You for laying claim to him as yours when you know nothing about him. He's just a guy. There will be another, and another, and another. You need to let go of you bitterness, but I can understand you not wanting to console her being that he chose her over you. Take solice in the knowledege that he dug your appearance but was seemingly repulsed by her's.


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KBTOYZ
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Posted on Tue, Jun 27, 2006 15:38

I'll chime in for a spell, if you please... I think the "choose" from her was too soon. I mean it's not like you all were a group of friends. You can and should go out on "dates" with many people at once. You have to search through them to find the right one for you. However, let me be clear - my expectation of dating is NOT sleeping together. If that happens, all bets are OFF and there should be a decision made.... I dated my best friend's ex. I almost married him. Why rule someone out simply based on them dating your friend? Remove the "gross" factor for a second. At least you know what you're getting INTO LOL! At least you know what their s@xual history looks like. How often do we NOT know that?!?! It was a bizarre for us all for a bit... in the end, he and I didn't work out but my best friend and I are peachy. Remember, if they are TRULY your best friend, they (and you) should want the other to be happy no matter who that person is and they will understand if it happens to be their ex or their brother (or whatever). :-) Just my thoughts.


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cinnamon36dd
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Posted on Tue, Jun 27, 2006 13:06

I have to give you alot of credit for the way that you handled the situation. First off I want to start out by saying that your friend was definitely in the wrong. If she was a true friend she would of stepped off to the side. Of course the guy also has some blame in this he sounds like a closet a##hole if you ask me. Nice sweet and kind to your face and then goes and makes planes with someone else. I would not worry much about him though he is the one that is missing out you seem like a great person! Better luck in the future.


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sweetsnfl
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Posted on Mon, Jun 26, 2006 23:03

I'm sorry but when your friend knew it was him before she even responded she should have walked away. Reguardless of her dating experience. How would she feel if it were reversed?? I don't know you or her but let me ask you something...you know your friend what do you think that outcome would have been? I applaud you for keeping your friend even after that faux pau however, if it happend again I'd say she's no friend.


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jjiggl
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Posted on Mon, Jun 26, 2006 15:40

I too, would have felt uncomfortable, if my friend/roommate told a man that he had to choose which of us that he wanted to go out with. Your friend should have stepped aside to allow you and the guy a chance to see if there was anything between you two. He actually saw you first and was so attracted to you that he wrote his information out to give to you. He also contacted you and wanted to get to know you, therefore, it seems to me that you and he had unfinished business to attend to. Any woman who wanted to avoid the chance for any drama between the three of you would have done that. But she did not do that. But if you might have the slightest thought for even a split second that it might not be wise to introduce your next date or potential date to her, don't second guess yourself and think that you are thinking crazy. Go with that thought because I am thinking the same thing, honey.


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Posted on Wed, Jun 21, 2006 20:55

Glad to hear you decided to grab the bull by the horns and that the outcome was good for both of you. While I understood "he" was trifling from the outset, I have to say I do not believe that wanting to date more than one person is what made him such. While I personally date only one person at a time, I just watched a show that advised women to manage their dating expectations by "playing the field" until there is connection. Again, I think expecting to date friends is beyond the pale. The fact that he tried to push past when he found out however, to me is evidence that he was not trying to play on the DL. Yes, he was a jerk, but an honest one. Many people feel that dating is a compare and contrast game. I don't think they are so much expecting folks to compete, but rather feel that having a selection makes for a better choice. I believe this comes from not knowing who they are and what they want, thus they go to market hoping to "trip" over a match. While I do not cosign to the approach, I also will not condemn them for it, as long as they are honest. All of this is an aside. As you said, what was important to you was the friendship. You clearly know the value of a good friend, and clearly this is someone you have invested in. Thus I am glad that you were able to find the closure you needed. Good on you for keeping it real and hanging in there. Blessed ever be.


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Kissable2005
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Posted on Tue, Jun 20, 2006 18:06

I have been in a similar situation where my action was to declare I would not compete for the attention of EITHER person. I am not prepared to fight for a man's interest if he doesn't know his own heart and Ilost respect for the friend. It definitely is an eye-opener when either the potential date or friend presume that there SHOULD be a competition for a partner.In my particular situation I sensed a lack of maturity and social sophistication.It is a judgement on values that only you can define for yourself.


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gurlydd
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Posted on Tue, Jun 20, 2006 07:45

Airemus, I understand what you are saying and knew that there was another way to view this situation. I appreciate your comments and everyone else's. I must add that there was no way that this man could have been my ONE. He was quite a bit older and I was not positive that we had much in common. I conceded and backed out of the situation because I trust my instincts. The fact that this man got "caught" online dating while at the same time pleading with me to consider dating him was clue #1 for me. Clue #2 is that when he discovered he was caught with someone I not only knew, but lived with, he did not have the sense to cut his losses and RUN as fast as he could. Instead he expected us to prance our best qualities in front of him so that he could choose. I would have been willing to fight for him had I felt he was worth it. My issue with my friend had to do with the trust in our friendship and not who got the guy. Yesterday I let her know how I felt about the situation and reminded her of a similar one we had encountered a few years ago. She had met someone online and they were exchanging emails. He responded to my profile and I let him know that my friend and I knew one another and that I would not interfere. Even though he continued to write to me, I never responded. He would even send her emails asking about me. She got upset about that and stopped corresponding with him. I simply let her know that the way I handled that situation was the way I felt she should have handled our latest one.


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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 14:03

For me this is a little more murky. It's about values. Values are very individuated and rarely black and white. As such, we can not talk in the absolute of what is right or wrong but rather in the subjective of what is right or wrong for US. On the one hand, I have a strict no date rule when it comes to someone who has "been" with a friend. On the other hand, I have also dated a man, who dated a friend once to discover they were not a match. She in fact set up our date. There was no gross or betrayal factor, as they were never intimate. Your situation is different, as your girl knew you were attracted to him. While he owed you nothing - he is a free agent after all- I feel she owed you the space to find out if there was a possibility. She however clearly does not relate to a perceived sense of ownership, which when you really think about it that way, is a little high school. From her perspective however, YOU ceded the field. I know that was a control move, one designed to maintain maximum dignity. In most cases I would say that is a great thing. When it comes to love however, as much of a pacifist as I am, I am prepared to throw 'bows. What if that was your man? Why would you give him up without at least a token of struggle? Where I he, I might have made the same dumb choice thinking you were not really into me. No I am not about to "compete" for love. Until there is clicking however, it's game on. Why not propose a stronger counter move. Say the three of you meeting for coffee. One open group date then an all round choice. On an open field, nature could take its course without hard feelings. If any of you had clicked, the other would have had to get over it or risk loosing the friendship anyway. Moreover, you both might have discovered he was trifling and would be sharing some good jokes now. In the end, she did you a favor. Regardless of what a disaster the date was, the fact that he felt free running her down to you, shows you what he is made of. Moreover, karma is a . . . and she is paying the emotional piper. You are clearly too good to revel in her comeuppance, so I will do it for you. Here is a tip of the hat to Universal justice. As Ms. Angelou says, "if you want to know how a thing is going to end, look to how it began." She hurt you going in, thus the law of three states she gets it back three fold. Irregardless of them, I am more worried about you. It is clear that this girl felt comfortable pushing past the boundaries of friendship and even has the nerve to expect you to be her emotional safety net. What is also clear is that while you have misgivings, you have not expressed your feelings. As such, the greater betrayal is the one you are doing to yourself. Speak up sister. Cause if you don't, it is guaranteed to happen again. Moreover, every time you allow someone to walk on you with out putting up a fight, you feel worst about yourself and do damage to your self-worth. The only thing you risk by speaking up is finding out that your friendship is not as solid as you think. If you ask me, that is something worth knowing. Next time she whines to you, teach her the law of three and show her how she manifested her destiny. Tell her as her friend you forgive her, which you clearly want to, but continue to build your friendship in the light of truth. You don't have to call her out and have a big fight. Instead use this as an opportunity to sit down and explore what are your expectations of friendship and define where your boundaries lie. You're hurting now but remember: "Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures. " Joseph Addison 1672-1719


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xanni
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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 10:44

Beware of your "friend". She clearly has self-esteem issues that have now spilled out into your personal boundaries. Believe me, there is more drama to come.


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gurlydd
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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 10:00

I posted this blog just to get other people's opinions on whether I was being unreasonable and insensitive. Now I know that I was not. I must defend my friend a little though, because I think that her actions were a result of a lack of dating experience and a certain level of awkwardness when it comes to dealing with men. She simply has not dated much in her life and just wanted to go out. This is her first misstep in a ten year friendship. She is, in fact, one of the kindest people I have ever met. I do not believe that she was actually trying to hurt me.


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UKBiggie
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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 05:58

Honey, that woman is no friend of yours! What you have to bear in mind however, is that if he was on a dating site and sending messages out (and you have to assume it went to many women including your friend) you would have been wise not to give him the time of day anyway. The fact that he came back to you after so long is sweet, but the fact he was casting his net far and wide at the same time surely takes the shine off it. More fool your friend for going anywhere near him and shame on her for compromising your friendship over it. Sisterhood rules clearly state you DO NOT tread on a friend's toes - that fact that she knew you were interested in him, at whatever level, should have put him off limits from the get go. I hope you choose your friends more wisely from now on. Kaye -x-


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kforyou
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Posted on Mon, Jun 19, 2006 00:27

In my opinion, there are cerain unwritten rules pertaining to dating someone who has been with a family member or a close friend. I think that your friend should have have given you the opportunity to decide instead of him and told him that she would not compromise her friendship by dating him at this time. And no, you are not wrong to feel as you do. It seems as if your friend is someone who bases her decisions solely on what she wants. How could I possibly put this without being nasty...but she definately has nerve. To actually feel betrayed for thinking of doing the very thing that she just did to you. All I can say is simply move on because to keep an ill feeling over this is not healthy for "You". But never leave a man at your place while she is atill around. Since neither of you were intimate with him, it is not the ultimate betrayal but it does allow you to see everything from now on with open eyes. Good luck my sister. If she is a true friend who has you back in times of need, who has always been there for you and with whom you can share your deepest hurts and secrets and know that it will go with her to the grave, maybe this "man thing" does not merit such a big deal. Tell her how you feel and that you would not have done this as she did. A true friend will love you for being honest and not make it such an issue. Get it out and move on. If she cant seem to do this....well maybe you need to look at your friendship in a different light. A man should never come between two true friends. Good luck my sister.


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docd
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Posted on Sun, Jun 18, 2006 01:00

Sister, Your tolerance is noble...You looked after everyone ...but not yourself. This cat is shopping, er' working the crowd, so too speak. He is feeding off any response to rouse and manipulate...When in doubt, do nothing. If you walk into a dark room, do you keep walking around and bumpin' into stuff...Or do you wait by the door until your eyes adjust so that you may navigate w/o consequence? Peace, Doc


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canongirl
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Posted on Sat, Jun 17, 2006 23:59

my opinion, based on recent events of my own. She was out of line and shouldn't have dated him.


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