I frequent two different sites, as a bbw. The one I found first -- a free site, and it's done wonders for my perspective -- and this one, which I pay for, on occasion, because it lists a lot of people within driving distance of me. I'm not on either just to make friends. I'm here (and there) because I want to meet someone, hopefully my future significant other, and I know that if I want to have success in searching for that, I need to put myself in places where, bottom line, my weight is not going to be the deal-breaker.
I realize this sounds a tad egotistical, but I don't care because it's true: I'm fucking amazing, and it's a damn shame that so many guys I know miss out on realizing that because they're simply not physically attracted to me. I have a high self-esteem when it comes to literally everything but my body. I am here because being here means I don't have to worry about what someone else thinks of that. Save for a few rare outliers, my bases are covered.
The trouble is that here? And in the other place I frequent? My body is somehow the only thing that I'm ever complimented on. It's the conversation starter. I had no idea that the exact opposite of my initial problem -- people who were turned off by my appearance -- could be just as troublesome, if not more. I don't talk to people who open conversations here by telling me that I'm beautiful or -- which is more often the case -- my "pics r hot". Does anyone here besides me realize how screwed up that is? Now, I realize some guys may actually think that's the angle they need to approach from, but seriously, word to the wise: If we have pictures up and you message us, we kind of ASSUME you are into how we look. You are on a site for meeting bbws. If this weren't your thing, you wouldn't be here. Talk about something else.
It's frustrating, even discouraging, that neither of these places have worked yet for me. I very rarely meet guys I can hold an interesting conversation with -- and while I harp in my profile about literacy, sometimes it's not even that. You can always tell if you're on the best possible wavelength with a person because the conversation flows naturally. You're witty when you talk with that person, and they are, too. You banter. It's absolutely exhilarating. I've officially run into that -- maybe twice. Once recently.
Part of my problem is that I'm completely unwilling to start even potentially building a relationship with someone if they don't live within at least 200 miles of where I am. I can't drive, and meeting is absolutely essential to me. If they're not willing to travel, I don't see it working out. "Why can't you do long distance?" you might ask. Well -- the fact of the matter is that I'm looking for a relationship and am not willing to pretend to be in one with a person I'm never going to meet. The last time I was in a long distance relationship, when the guy decided he was done with me he just disappeared. This was a person I'd worked up to phone conversations with, who I conversed with really well, and -- I'll admit -- who I had begun to love and who professed the same feelings to me first. And then he just disappeared. Changed his net stuff. Screened my calls. And just never spoke to me again. I certainly did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I was kind and uncontrolling. I didn't demand all his time -- in fact I cherished personal time a great deal. I didn't stalk. I didn't nag. And really, I almost wouldn't have been as angry if he'd just broken up with me, but I seriously went about a month terrified that something had happened to him. All because -- as far as I can tell -- he wanted out but didn't want to deal with any consequences or look like the bad guy.
Another word to the wise, to anyone who decides to break up in a relationship, man or woman: The acrobatics you try to pull off in order to avoid confrontation and becoming the bad guy? Is what makes you the bad guy.
So no, I don't confidently feel I can strike up that sort of bond with a person anymore if they live too far away.
And very recently, I found someone who was not only close by, but within the span of a few emails he was absolutely excited about making arrangements for us to meet. He had me scoping out local places for dinner and a movie, and he was looking at hotel rooms. And the conversation? The only complaints I had were that it'd span one to three emails a night and then I'd have to be patient until the next day. I've never been so excited to email a person before. It was that good.
And then he disappeared for a week. I thought I'd said something wrong or that he'd gotten hurt or worse. So after seven days I emailed to see if everything was fine. He tagged me back a couple days later to inform me that he was fine, and that he hadn't really been to the computer at all due to hectic things at home -- work and a lot of drama, and he did not want to bring a single negative thing to me. But he promised that once he was on his feet again he'd email me. I honestly prepared for the worst. Not because I was certain it would happen -- I was actually really confused. Up until he stopped emailing, things were going smoothly, and we were absolutely clicking. A week later, I was getting the "He's just not that into you" vibe. It was a complete turn around.
A couple days later, I found out why. He'd quit his job, in what he described was a very "Jerry McGuire" fashion, and had interviewed for another. On the other end of the country. And he got it, and had to move immediately. It meant he was getting to do what he loved, for good pay, in a better environment, and he was absolutely thrilled -- while understanding that these heaps of opportunities for him meant there was absolutely nothing good in store for whatever friendship we were shortly attempting to build.
I congratulated him, and never heard from him again. Which I can hardly blame him for -- we've been so similar up until now, so I can only imagine that he's just as unwilling to manage a relationship at so great a distance. And I'm so happy for him that he got such an opportunity that I feel selfish and bitchy for thinking about how much hope I'd started placing on this turning into a relationship, and how unfair that was to him, and how unfair the entire situation was in general. The absolute wrongness of it all immediately shot me into the sort of mindset where all you can think is that you must have done something horrible in another life that you're being punished for now. And that's a terrible feeling to have. You want to be happy for people, but when you go into something on sites like this -- expecting something to come of it, you can't help but feel just a little selfish, too.
The direction this blog has gone in pretty much accurately describes what's become of me. I went in strong and confident and ended feeling like there's something I'm not fundamentally getting about this place (or the other). I think I'm a little right to have something like this damage my self-image, no matter how little there is to blame on anyone. It's just exhausting.
Loneliness, in general, is exhausting. And damaging. I came here to fix that, so why is it that it just keeps getting worse?