In my last blog, written all those months ago I was early on in my pregnancy with my 2nd child; excited about a schollarship to uni and leaving my partner. It's been over a year since then and how things have changed. As it turns out I DID NOT get into Uni. The schollarship was approved, but I had to be accepted by the uni on my accedemic merits, and was not. I had my baby girl on July 29th. She was induced 2 weeks early due to horrifically high blood pressure. I spent 6 long, lonely and regretful months away from Jamie (my partner) after which we reconcilled. I've been back with him, in Queensland for almost 10 months and I don't think our relationship has EVER been this good.
Jamie has a job that he enjoys, and we live in a beautiful townhouse near the water. We both grew and learned a lot during our time apart. I love my man so very very much.
In not so great news, I have galls stones. HEAPS of them, which I've had for years apparently. Very recently they have been causing me hell on earth. I've been hospitalised twice because of the pain, only to be discharged because they can't "justify" the emergancy surgery to remove my gall bladder. Doctors... grrr
I'm going to VNV Nation concert in Sydney on August 16th. SOO excited!!!
I finally worked up the courage to apply for a scholarship to University and I've been accepted. GO ME!
So I start uni in March AND I give birth to my second child in August... big year for me.
The biggest challenge of them all is that I will be leaving my partner of 7 years after I've started Uni. I cannot handle his laziness any longer. He will not work, he will not help around the house. I'm sure he thinks my being pregnant is a big joke. We can BARELY afford to keep our son in day care for 2 days a week. I would get more money and more support as a single mother than I do as the partnered mother of a drop-kick.
So this year, is a huge year for me. Full of challenges and new experiences and new friends. Hopefully, somewhere in that mix, I will meet a man who'll treat me right.
I'm reading this book by Camryn Manhiem for the 3rd time now. It really is an amazingly inspirational book.
There are parts of that book that make me weep with sorrow at the pain that Camryn went through during her childhood. At times I felt like the book had been written about my life.
Parents bribing her to lose weight, the looks of disappointment on parents faces when - after some time away - you haven't lost any weight.
My father abused me emotionally when I was child, brining me up to believe that I would never be desired by a man. He taught me that love was only deserved by slim, blonde, bikini babes. He would watch every single morsel of food I put in my mouth at every meal. He would bribe me (and still does) to loose weight.
I'm 25, and the last bribe was for a new car. Told me if I lost all my weight he would by me a brand new car. I should have asked him why he didn't just fork out for the liposuctions.
Reading Camryn's book gives me hope that one day - as I get older - I will become more comfortable with my skin. I will stop doubting my partner loves me. I will stop living in fear that one day he'll suddenly realise how big I am and leave me.
If you haven't read Camryn's book Wake up! I'm Fat, I really urge you to track it down.
I got a copy of "RealBeauty" magazing the other day. It's issued by DOVE's Campaign for Real Beauty and it's quite a good little magazine. It's also $7 so it's not something I'll be buying in the future. However, it's lovely to see a magazine with "real women" in it, and not your normal enslaught of size 2 waife like women who are bordering on the masculine because of their tiny box like frames.
Completely broke this week and it sucks... I wish my man would get a damn job!!!!!
Got come correspondance from Uni yesterday, they have recieved my application for a scholarship and are reviewing it now. I get butterflies just thinking about it.
Got a few winks over the past few days which is nice... but because i'm not a gold member I cannot reply to them, which is a shame really because I'd like some more bbw/bhm friends. I just cannot justify paying the money to a site so I can contact a potential friend. I'm already married so any contact would be for friendship only.
Go Me! LOL
till next time, I'm off to make myself another cuppa!
I've been reading a few blogs about men "really" liking BBW women... and it got me thinking about why there always seems to be bucket loads of FA's online... but so very few IRL.
Take my fiance for example, I live every day knowing that I do not have his "ideal figure"; I know this, because he told me many years ago when we first met. I know he loves me, but knowing my figure isn't one that he's naturally attracted to makes me feel a tad insecure a lot of the time...
I often wonder if I embarass him, does he wish he didn't have to introduce me to his friends, does he wonder what they think of me?